Fleeting Thoughts, Favorite Moments

What's in a Touch?

2011-11-14T10:18:00.007-06:00

Sitting close to someone. A brush of the leg or the arm. Cuddling.

What could possibly be wrong with that? We didn't kiss, there was nothing "sexual" about it.

I beg to differ.

This is an area in my life in which I have struggled...ok, still struggle to set boundaries and stick to them. As someone with SSA, I find myself pulled, as if by gravity, to guys around me. Their looks, their humor, their sense of self-confidence....any one of those is enough to set off the radar and make me turn my head. Could be a stranger, but more often it is a friend. Someone I have known or met thru other circles in my life. But ever since I was a teenager I can remember actively pursuing "touch" with or without permission. To clarify, this is about intentional touch, touch that I initiated, or prolonged.

Sounds awful, doesn't it. But it's okay, right? Because I wasn't touching them sexually...

So what do I mean when I say "actively pursuing touch"? Let me give you some examples; In highschool I remember sliding down in my desk so my knee would just touch the guy in front of me, if he didn't move...well, he must be saying its okay, right? Another time, I sat next to a foreign exchange student in some boring school play and let my hand rest against the outside of his thigh...for the entire play! I even had experiences while I was camping of people rolling close to me in their sleep, and I made sure to not move, and not wake them...just so it would last.

It gets worse.

I have had a habit of sexual jokes, but some of it involved physical antics. Butt-slapping, pretend caresses, passionate embraces, rubbing up against people...all in the name of humor. But was it all just a joke?

What about giving a backrub? Come on, everyone likes a backrub! Nothing wrong with that!

Not so fast.

I have given alot of backrubs. I'm trained in First Aid, and am almost always the "go to" guy on trips (camping, canoeing, climbing) for ailments and aches. I simply want to help. Or do I?

Here's the ugly part.

While the above listed actions could be rationalized away as not crossing any major legal or moral boundaries. Is that the truest telling of the story? What is it about me that is compelled, like a moth to the flame, to touch those around me? And no, all touch is not bad. But if I am honest in me there is almost this vampire-like habit of getting what I "need" from unsuspecting people around me. It's about the condition of my heart. Am I seeking touch from a place of health and balance? Or am I vampire seeking the warmth that only others seem to possess?

Harsh. I know.

If I am ever to get better at relating to the people around me (attractive or not) then I had best be brutally honest about my motivations. I believe that God made me a caring, empathetic person. And healthy 'care-taking' is gift and blessing to those around you. But if I am focusing on how what I do for them will improve our friendship, or I have thoughts of how "our friendship is more special" because of what they allow me to do for them. Or even the simple fact that they do not experience touch in the same way or view it with the same significance as I do, am I being honest by keeping them in the dark? Would they allow the touch if they could see how it affects me? (And I not talking just erections here, the most serious of connections we make outside of physical{sexual} intimacy is emotional.) So for me to pretend that it has no effect on me puts me in a precarious position, lust is crouching at the door, ready to pounce.

Matt 5:27 "You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery’; 28 but I say to you, that everyone who looks on a woman to lust for her has committed adultery with her already in his heart.

Jesus said it's not about how far I go with him/her...it's about the motivation of my heart.

So these are the questions I need to ask myself:

Why am I going there?
What needs am I attempting to get filled?
Would an emotionally healthy person (who knows my struggles) be okay with this?*
Would I do this in front of other Christians (that I look up to?)

*(just because someone might be okay with it does not automatically make it right)

Do I crave touch? You bet. Is it ok for me to take it whenever, wherever, and however I want?

No. I need to trust that God has a plan to meet those perceived needs I have in ways that don't compromise healthy boundaries.

Can I look at healthy males and simply mimic what they do? Maybe, maybe not. Why? Because a healthy, straight guy isn't attracted to the guy he's touching...I am, and that makes all the difference. It isn't about them, it's about how this affects me.

Disease or Choice?

2011-10-10T15:49:00.003-05:00

The power of addiction cannot be adequately appraised until addiction is understood as a misguided enactment of our quest for right relationship with God.

Kent Dunnington. Addiction and Virtue: Beyond the Models of Disease and Choice (Strategic Initiatives in Evangelical Theology) (Kindle Locations 81-82). Kindle Edition.

This brick house of a statement is found in the preface of this book that I have only just started reading. Obviously the topic is of personal interest for me, being both Christian and Addict. If my addictive behaviors are simply sinful choices....then I am just a bad person who chooses to sin continuously. But if they are an 'addiction', something that I am afflicted with, then perhaps I have no choice in the matter - or if I do have a choice it is so unfair a fight as to make Don Quixote seem sane in believing he can joust a windmill.

As Dunnigton suggests, the truth lies closer to the middle. It looks like a pretty technical read, but its high time I pursued more than just sugar-coated recovery and begun to expose the insides to the light of truth.

Sexual sin is a heart that doesn’t trust God.

2011-09-26T15:07:00.001-05:00

"Sexual sin basically says, “I can’t trust God to meet these needs. I can’t trust God to provide these needs in the way that he chooses, therefore, I need to go outside of his provision” —whether that’s through the internet and looking at women in ways you should never look at them, masturbation, sleeping around—it’s really saying, “You’re not true, God. I can’t trust you to be good. I have these desires and urges in the moment, and I need to go take care of them because I can’t trust you to.” So I think that’s really the heart of sexual sin. It’s a heart that doesn’t trust God. It’s a heart that, instead of worshipping the God who is trustworthy, who knows our every need, and who’s good to provide what we really need, we commit idolatry and say, “I need to worship sex instead of you, God." (from Dave Bruska)

Ran across this today. And it hit me like a ton of brinks. Not that I haven't come to the same conclusion before, but simply because it re-reminds me that I have issues...specifically a trust issue.

I don't trust God.

Holy crap.

The God who made the Universe, the God who designed DNA, laminin, quarks, black holes, the God who knew me in my mothers womb, the God who sent his ONLY Son to die for my sins, the God who has relentlessly pursued me with his grace....THAT's the guy I don't trust?

Well, I usually say that I trust God...but what I say and what I do don't always line up. So I have to see again that my repeated return to lust as a coping mechanism robs God of his rightful place in my life. His place is as Provider, Sustainer, Healer, Counselor, Friend, and Savior. I have let lust come in and occupy most/all of those roles in some fashion or another.

What’s difficult about sexual sin is it has a unique shame factor to it. It’s just a downward spiral. And what happens when you commit sexual sin is you typically withdraw from the things you need the most, whether that’s first and foremost Jesus, and his people, and so, it’s just a downward spiral, it’s a really downward spiral. But it’s an issue of the heart. And the good news is Jesus changes hearts. (also from Dave Bruska)

Thank God for Good News.

And now...the rest of the story.

2011-01-19T17:14:00.001-06:00

My Testimony

I was a sensitive, emotional kid. The second son of a young couple who divorced by the time I was 4 years old. Mom did the best she could as a single-mom in the late 70’s, working 2^nd and 3^rd shift jobs. We saw our Dad about one weekend a month; he was always faithful in picking us up, and eager to spend time with us when we were staying with him. Both of my Grandfathers had passed away by the time I was seven. My older brother and I were not close and I don’t remember having any significant male friends during those years. Mom worked very hard but, in struggling to deal with her own issues, was not emotionally available to me.

At around 10 years old both my Mom and my Dad got remarried. My step-Mother and my step-Father were caring people who treated me the same as any natural parent would. I looked to my new step-father for the male affection that I had been starved of so far in life. And while he cared and provided for his new family; he did not seem to understand me. I was talkative, not sports oriented, read a lot of books, and generally found odd bits of information fascinating…almost as fascinating as being able to share those newfound bits with the adults around me. In Junior High, I struggled to be accepted in the small Christian school I was attending. I struggled at home to live up to the expectations of becoming a good Christian boy. And in the midst of this, I also struggled with a growing sexual interest in the guys around me.

Escapism and fantasy were not foreign concepts to me. I had learned to utilize them to occupy myself in the years since the divorce. I could play endlessly with Lego’s, read books till I was nearly cross-eyed, and dream about far-away places for hours. I can’t tell you a specific date or instance that I remember as the ‘turning point’ in my sexual development, but my craving for male affirmation, coupled with the sexual discoveries of puberty, has fueled my struggle with same-sex attraction ever since.

I identified as a Christian from 5^th grade on but still wondered how I could think and/or do the stuff I was doing and actually be a Christian. My desperate need for approval even colored how I approached God. I never internalized that I was accepted just as I was, not because of what I did. My stated beliefs were that God is all-loving, all-powerful, kind, and accepts me just as I am. My operational beliefs told me that I needed to be good in order to have God really bless me, that the things I struggled with were ‘different’, and that God did not view them the same as other sins.

Jr. and Sr. High were not my most memorable years. Suffice it to say, I was not popular, and my attempts at sports were not encouraging. Even though I was involved in theater, and attended our church youth group, I never felt fully accepted. I was very alone and desperately wanted NOT to be. The thought patterns, experiences, and habits formed during that time hardened into deeply imbedded attractions, patterns of coping, and a set of false beliefs that would undermine any efforts of self-will to overcome.

After graduating high school, I attended a very conservative, Christian college in Virginia. I had hoped that something I could learn or do there would be the key to overcoming these un-wanted attractions. Despite those high hopes, my lusting and struggles continued the entire time. For my sophomore year, I left Virginia and attended UW-Milwaukee. I was diagnosed with clinical depression during that same year. I turned again to lust, fantasy, and sex (with other guys) to escape the reality that life was hard, and I wasn’t able to handle it on my own.

The following year I began attending a large church, a church where I would eventually find some connection, get involved in peer ministries, and even become a volunteer youth leader. As a youth leader, I thought I had found my calling, my purpose in life. The un-cool kid was now the cool guy to hang out with. I was able to connect, to relate, to listen, and to speak. And as I did well in ministry, the affirmations flowed. I began to think that this is what would make God and others proud of me.

Even though I had stopped having sex, my struggles with pornography and masturbation continued, and I dare not tell anyone. I could and did share about other stuff, but I always withheld that last bit of information, the true nature of my struggle. I agonized over it; cried over it, pleaded with God to heal me, take it away, take me away, something, anything! But still the attraction remained. Here I was trying to do HIS work, what I thought HE asked me to, what others told me I was ‘gifted’ for, and yet He appeared unwilling to heal me of this. This hated part of me that I was sure would cause everyone to reject me once they found out. So I hid; I kept silent, and I continued to die inside.

My inner life was in chaos. Attempting to bear the weight of it alone; the shame, guilt, fear, self-loathing – was all too much. I wanted to perform well, to please God and the people around me. I wanted to be accepted and loved in a way that touched the deep longings I felt inside, but didn’t know how. For many years I believed that I was a failure as a “Christian”, I obviously didn’t pray enough, love God enough, or try hard enough. The chaos continued; depression, addiction to pornography, and hopelessness characterized my life; the severity of which I hid from nearly everyone. The depths of my failures, the crushing weight of shame, and the full story of how God has worked to draw me close to Him again would take hours to share. But I will at least tell you how God has brought me here, sharing my story with you.

In the summer of 2006 I attended a men’s group where I learned the name of a counselor. That counselor encouraged me to pursue recovery in a 12 step group for sexual addiction; he later pointed me towards an Exodus affiliated ministry called Broken Yoke to receive support in my struggle with SSA. It is within those safe environments that I have begun to accept that I am a beloved man of God who happens to struggle with SSA. That, as a young kid, I tried to satisfy legitimate emotional and spiritual needs in ways that I could never have known would further entrench this struggle in my life. It is through acceptance of my condition, and the hope that God can and does work – even in this area - that has turned the tide in my life.

Am I “healed”? No. I am still "in process", but even on its’ worst days…this is far better than the shell of a life I used to live. I don’t have all the answers; why do I still struggle, will I ever be married, will I struggle with this my whole life? I don’t know. But what I do know is that I have to place my trust in the only one who has the power to raise the dead to life again. If death is no obstacle for Him, then I can have hope that my struggles are not either.

"Then the Lord said to him, 'Take off your sandals; the place where you are standing is holy ground. I have indeed seen the oppression of my people in Egypt. I have heard their groaning and have come down to set them free.' Acts 7:33-34a (NIV)

God sees our oppression, God hears our groaning, and God has come to set us free. Freedom, for me, is not the absence of SSA. It is that I am now free to admit that this is my struggle. That I am now free to share that fact with others. And that I now know that this struggle does not define me, nor does it disqualify me from all of the love, grace, and forgiveness that God has pre-apportioned for my life.

Escape Artist

2010-08-09T09:00:00.002-05:00

So I'm realizing some consistent traits that are part of the template of how I do life. This is not completely new, nor especially earth-shattering but it's what I'm thinking about today and I want to write it down.

Obviously my current struggle with lust is a huge factor in my day to day life. In the early days of the Program (Sexaholics Anonymous) a person usually comes to realize that sex, pornography, and masturbation are not the issue, they are symptoms of the issue, the issue is lust. And lust is definitely an issue for me. But I'm seeing that lust is not ultimately what I 'want', lust is what I use to get what I want.

What do I want? I want to "feel good".

As I look back at life I see this pattern feeling bad and then escaping into fantasy. It was/is all sorts of fantasy; books, daydreaming, money, power, adventure, social, sexual.....almost anything to escape the reality of where I was at that moment. It's no wonder that once I discovered lust I used it consistently...it was cheap, powerful, and (seemingly) very effective at achieving my unspoken #1 priority of "Feel Good".

So if my main priority in life is to "feel good", I can see why I struggle so hard with sobriety and consistency in my walk with Christ. I pursue sobriety because I'm supposed to feel better when I'm sober. I think (at some levels) I pursue Christ and Christian life because the hope is that it will make me feel better, that life will in fact be better. But when sobriety or Christianity doesn't produce the more immediate results of "feeling better" I let go and turn to the one thing that appeared to make me feel better, for a little bit at least, fantasy.

So my prayer today is, "God please help me to live the life I have been given, not the life I wish I had."

Characteristics of the sensitive soul:

2010-06-21T13:32:00.001-05:00

They are very emotionally sensitive and are deeply moved by the emotions of others around them.
They are inherently drawn toward beauty, structure, order, symmetry, intimate relating, color, texture, expression of feelings, and the natural and spiritual worlds around them.
They have a tendency to believe they are somehow connected to everything around them and often feel they effect or can impact their world both in subtle and grand ways.
They sometimes are viewed as self-absorbed and even egocentric or selfish by others.
They are intuitive feelers and deep thinkers.
They often contemplate things deeply and for days and can be strongly moved by
subtleties that others would not recognize.
They see detail and notice nuance more than others.
They are moved with strong emotions of passion, desire, pain, hurt, and love.
They often are highly sensitive to feelings in general and can sometimes be overwhelmed by highly stimulating situations where the stimuli are coming from multiple sources at the same time.
They are often loners and enjoy spending large amounts of time alone.
They often escape to alternative realities they create or ones that have been created through video games, movies, or reading books.
They are highly creative and desire an outlet to express their creativity

excerpted from LivingHope.org "Parenting the Sensitive Soul"

On regrets, and Ap. Paul

2010-06-20T11:13:00.001-05:00

I deal (poorly, most times) with regret for how my attitudes and addiction has affected (or potentially affected) the people around me and ministries I've been in. One thought that God dropped in my lap in the middle of a counseling session this past Friday was about the Apostle Paul...he hunted and killed Christians for a living! That was his mission in life. How much regret did he have to deal with once Christ revealed Himself to Saul on the road to Damascus? How did he not think every time he met a new Christian, "Did I kill your father, mother, brother, or friend? How can I look you in the eye and say 'follow me - as I follow Christ'? I(Paul) cannot undo the damage done by my sin and rebellion." Yet God choose him, anyway. What did they talk about in the desert? I can only surmise that Paul's confidence in the completeness of forgiveness, the sovereignty of God, and power of grace understood allowed him to move forward in obedience to preach the Gospel despite his past.

I need to dig into this issue more....or is it that I just need to accept this as true and move forward in that knowledge? Hmmm

Headed to Exodus Freedom Conference 2010

2010-06-20T11:10:00.000-05:00

Yah, it's been crazy here, alot of which is my own fault. I leave Tuesday to goto the Freedom Conference! I'm excited, nervous, and hopeful. It's really crazy how this process works, the times when it seems the least is happening or I feel less engaged...God is setting the stage for something to happen or be shown to me.

Thru various means God has been showing me how my view of "recovery" and of "healing" is skewed. Deep inside I want a recovery and healing that 'fixes' it completely. No residue, no regrets from the past, no more mess...but that essentially means I want God to erase the memory of what has happened. And that erases the record of His mercy, grace, love, forgiveness, strength, patience, and ability to take what man intends for evil and use it to His glory.

Mankin the Sponkey

2010-03-08T14:30:00.003-06:00

I think one of the bigger issues for me with lust is that I am still more than willing to "go there" in my head. 'mankin the sponkey' isn't the issue...its a symptom of the issue. And the problem is I am willing to go there, hang out, come back, chill....but its only when I do something physical that I feel bad and have to admit I've lost my sobriety. It's like losing control of my car 10 miles back, but I didn't officially have an "accident" until I hit a tree. I have had some painful (emotional) experiences lately that have brought some more of the issue to the forefront, as a result I've started seeing my counselor more often and we have begun to dig back into the manure pile of stuff that has assisted me on my journey here.

One of the other issues that really contributes to this is unforgiveness...namely by me - for me. I feel (incorrectly) like I have failed in ways that it is impossible to really forget. Which while contrary to the Gospel and Christs message of grace...is a point I still struggle with - I know it in my head, but the operational belief is still that I have err'd in ways that disqualify me from holding my head up and living life without always attempting to "make up for" the past.

Wordle?

2010-03-01T10:40:00.007-06:00

So here is a copy of my Wordle...What is a Wordle? I'm not sure, but near as I can tell its a graphical representation of emphasis. It takes the text you enter and based on repeats and such displays it. This wordle below is based on my blog. I need to look more at it, but it seems pretty accurate to what I tend to write about.

The Manhattan Declaration

2009-12-09T13:25:00.003-06:00

"We acknowledge that there are those who are disposed towards homosexual and polyamorous conduct and relationships, just as there are those who are disposed towards other forms of immoral conduct. We have compassion for those so disposed; we respect them as human beings possessing profound, inherent, and equal dignity; and we pay tribute to the men and women who strive, often with little assistance, to resist the temptation to yield to desires that they, no less than we, regard as wayward. We stand with them, even when they falter. We, no less than they, are sinners who have fallen short of God’s intention for our lives. We, no less than they, are in constant need of God’s patience, love and forgiveness. We call on the entire Christian community to resist sexual immorality, and at the same time refrain from disdainful condemnation of those who yield to it. Our rejection of sin, though resolute, must never become the rejection of sinners. For every sinner, regardless of the sin, is loved by God, who seeks not our destruction but rather the conversion of our hearts. Jesus calls all who wander from the path of virtue to "a more excellent way."
excerpt from The Manhattan Declaration

I read this and thought that it was a good summation of the stance I hold regarding the struggles in my own life. But even moreso, I hope that it can become the stance that the greater Church, at large, can adopt in relating to those who struggle, and even fall.

The ISM factor

2009-09-28T12:44:00.010-05:00

Came across a website today...have been feeling sorta low due to a question that was posed to me (that echo's my own questions),

"So you've been at this like 3 years, what is keeping you from having longer sobriety, what is holding you back?"

When I think of the spot I'm in, the amazing amounts of resources I have access to (quality counseling, the number of available meetings, my safe living arrangements) I can't list one specific factor that I would say holds me back...expect "me", I hold me back.

Well I ran into this page that really described how I feel and the situation I find myself in,

The God given balance of my instincts for security, survival, ambition, safety, and protection is threatened;

I exhibit childishness, grandiosity, emotional immaturity and belligerent denial;

The symptoms associated with this maladjustment are manifest in and exacerbated by self-centered fear, and my perception of and reaction to self-centered fear compounds my unmanageability;

The results of my distorted thinking culminate in the deterioration and corruption of my system of beliefs and personal values, which spirals into a gradual, often imperceptible descent into "spiritual depression."

I appear of my power and unaided resources incapable of rationally and reasonably overriding my mind and emotions, the results of which I expose and express in obsessive, compulsive, impulsive, and excessive desires and drives in daily living.

My unrestrained excessive desires gradually develop into demands, resulting in self-defeating behavior that is injurious to myself and others. My behavior engages feelings of guilt, remorse and shame; I feel resentment, self pity and fear.

My self-centered'ness exacerbates feelings of separation. This intensified separation leads me to be consumed with and baffled by feelings of difference, which is to suggest I don’t fit in, belong, or feel a part of; I feel separate from others; I feel abnormal and I often wonder (to myself) "what’s wrong with me, I feel different."

I am maladjusted to life. I vacillate between feelings of inferiority and superiority. I live defensively and guarded. I feel restless, irritable and discontent with life. I am ill-at-ease and subject to self-delusion. I seek consciously or unconsciously an effect which will afford me a sense of relief extemporaneously. Without relief and a solution, I condemn myself to live a continuous, unending frustration of self-will, with an obsessive desire (and drive) to act, feel, and be normal.

So now the key is to accept that this is where I'm at, emotionally at the level of an adolescent. And my addiction is in full-effect as it relates to these things.

Calling a spade...a spade

2009-09-16T20:48:00.004-05:00

When do we not call a spade a spade....when we think it might hurt someone's feelings.

In his blog, Love is an Orientation, Andrew's guest blogger Jon shared about his church going, gay family.

What I sense more from the comments to this post(and others) is that "love" and "acceptance" are the highest expressions of Christ that we can emulate. I dont' think that is true. Christ's love drove Him to bridge the gap so that we might gain "acceptance" with our Heavenly Father.

The heart of the debate and I think even the start of any bridge-building must come from a settling of the issue (within ones own heart) as to wether or not "gay is okay". If homosexuality is not a sin, then no one has any right to deny a gay couple anything. They are fully and equally yoked as any straight couple.

But if being gay is not a God-approved expression of love between the same-sexes. Then by what authority is equality demanded, expected, or even offered? We accept the person, just as they are, but we do not need to accept their beleifs in order to love them as Christ loves us.

Running out of lives

2009-09-10T12:02:00.001-05:00

If you have known me for any length of time, you've prolly heard everything I'm going to say from me before. But yet again I was in the hot-seat in my bosses office for doing what it is I do best. In this case it is related to my not being to work on time, and basically the acrimonious communications between my boss and I.

I'm at the same spot I always am. This time he said I will face disciplinary action if I am late again. I've reached the end of my 9 lives.

Problem is; I've been here for the past 3 years. And the issue is the same for all the areas of my life. I've been in counseling for 2+ years, and I'm not functionally more sober than a few months after I started. I've been late to work at OA for 6 years. I'm late to most everything I goto (except maybe Adv Rock). I don't take hold of the things I know I need to do to improve my physical, mental, program, or spiritual life.

I know what I am 'supposed" to do...why is it so hard to do it? Am I chronically flawed such that I am unable to? (Doubtful) So then I'm left with the simple fact that I believe I am entitled. I am entitled to be late, not sober, and unhealthy...and then piss and moan about the consequences of those decisions make my life "difficult". Except if you look at it, my life is great...I have a job, insurance, car, decent apartment, church, friends, counseling, family. I get to go places. I have people who are willing to take my phone calls.

I lack for nothing, yet I barely have the will to get out of bed most mornings. I not asking for answers...I just need to let people know where I'm at, and ask them to pray (for whatever God intends to do in my life). I'm going back to the Dr to talk about meds again. I've been on and off meds for depression several times in my life, but maybe there is more going on than I am aware of. But even if it can help level the playing field....my sin is still a choice, my entitlements are directly resultant from a lack of humility. That I am not in control, and am not meant to be...but the petulant child inside of me says, "But I WANT it!!!!", or "I don't FEEL like it!!!!"

So I guess I just figured out what I want to be when I grow up...

...a sober, on-time, humble, helpful, God-fearing, Christian man.

Passive Deviants

2009-08-31T15:20:00.003-05:00

“If you think about it, when someone has a same-sex attraction, whether they act on that attraction or they don’t act on that attraction, they are automatically passive deviants to mainline Christianity.” (quoting from Andrew M. in an interview by CW)

That line TOTALLY resonates with me. I feel THAT!!!! And it has been a source of intense shame for me in my christian walk.

To speak the Truth in love.

2009-08-24T13:40:00.004-05:00

I am re-posting a comment I left on another blog, not sure if that is bad form in the blog-o-sphere...but it is my blog, so I'll do what I want :)

Here is my response to this post "Another Denomination and Gay Ordination" by Andrew Marin of the Marin Foundation. You might read the original post first so you get a feel for what I'm responding to, but the comment also articulates for me my position in this ongoing debate over taking a public stand on this issue. Here's the link to John Pipers blog post that got the natives all riled up in the first place.

Anyway, here's what I said...

I have read this blog for a while, listened to Andrew speak, and basically dug around to see what I could see for myself. And after all that...I'm still unconvinced that 'bridge-building' is God's main message. Jesus didn't come to make sure that no one was poor, even tho he had compassion for them. He didn't even tell slaves that beleived in Him that they were now free, even tho he must have spoken to and saw hundreds in his ministry years.

So this comment thread is supposedly about the ELCA decision and Pipers "rant". But it still turns into a "how dare he say such vile things". Are we allowed to call our doctor a bigot for telling us that our diet is killing us? So it seems like the comments run along "party lines"...if you are a 'bridge-builder' you feel bad that someone issued a harsh statement condemning the open, unrepentant practice of homosexuality. If you are in Pipers camp (or even the outskirts), you say he's is just supporting a reasoned and accurate interpretation of scripture. After which, all the "bridge-builders" sigh and shake their heads at us unenlightened simpletons who are stuck in the dark-ages and have not achieved this new level of 'maturity' regarding such important identity issues as sexual orientation.

I, for one, am tired of it. Before you write me off...hear me out. I AM a struggler. I have lived with homosexual attractions since I was young. I have experimented, embraced, suppressed, rejected, and/or lamented over them at different times in my life. I have felt the terror of letting anyone in my church know of my secret struggles, I have felt the sting of actual rejection, even when it was only theorized that this might be what I struggle with.

So what if you build a bridge? So what if you come sit with me in my sack-cloth and ashes and tell me how sorry you are for all those "meanies" out there who don't understand the issue? Fact is....I still have an issue that I need to work out...either God is or is not for open homosexual relations among His Creation or He is not.

Does God love me? You darn betcha. Does He forgive me, even if I never stop lusting after every half-attractive, 20-something that walks past me? Again, a resounding YES! Does the Church have a long, long way to go in learning how to deal lovingly with others whom they don't understand and do not share the exact same set of doctrines? YES! But does God potentially love me so much that He is unwilling to leave me in the same condition he found me? Even if I think I'm pretty comfortable with it?

But is watering down the issue, by not taking a biblical stand and honestly conveying that, the answer? I don't think so. Is there no room for approaching the LGBT person (not the Community) with the premise that I can love and relate to you as a person, and we can talk about God loves and relates to us as individuals. And if you ask me, I will honestly tell you that a "gay" lifestyle isn't God's 'best' for you...but only because I love and care about you as a whole person would I say that. 'Cause if I just wanted to be popular and loved by lots of people...I'd stick with, "I'm not sure what God really meant, but it's okay for you to be you and we'll celebrate that instead!"

So rip on Piper all you want...he's just doing his job. Are you sure you are doing yours?

To merge, or not to merge...

2009-08-19T21:05:00.004-05:00

My counselor threw out a word that has been rattling around in my head. It relates to my pattern of needing people to "go with me" into the middle of my despair, loneliness, whatever drama is going on at the moment.

(n) merging: the act of joining together as one

As I said in the previous post, I really felt like i did not fit in (still do). So it makes sense that this is a big part of my issue. I'm trying to puzzle out how to walk in that tension between trying to merge and trying to yield to appropriate relational boundaries.

His comment was originally related to a regular, everyday situation and my very emotional response to it, but it also sheds light on my struggles with SSA. In fact, it highlights that I can still be operating out of my broken desires to see my needs met thru illegitimate means, even if I'm not trying (consciously/actively) to be sexual with that other person.

Tracking the source

2009-08-19T20:39:00.004-05:00

As a kid I did not feel like anyone was there for me emotionally. I was left to deal with my feelings on my own. So in thinking about this void and legitimate need that went unmet, I came across a blog post that articulated what I see as my progression into struggling with homosexuality.

It should be no surprise, then, that when a person longs for intimacy with another, that longing may include a desire to share sexual pleasure. For most people, that longing is directed toward members of the opposite sex. Normal development usually includes, as stated earlier, an early phase of bonding with the same sex. By the time this need for same-sex bonding has been satisfied and the child is ready for relations with the opposite sex, he is also entering puberty with its accompanying sexual drives. Perfect timing! Right when we’re emotionally prepared for romantic love, our bodies are following suit.

But what happens when we’re not emotionally prepared for relationships with the opposite sex? What if, by the time we reach puberty, our need for same-sex love is still unsatisfied and predominant? Our bodies won’t wait for our emotions to catch up. Instead, we may develop strong sexual desires which may cross, like wires, with our emotional needs. In that case, the emotional need for closeness and identification with other people of our sex becomes a sexualized need, with members of our own sex being the object of both our sexual and emotional desires.

......

It probably started with your perceptions. You began to see yourself as a child without resources. You know better than I exactly what resources you were lacking: affirmation, attention, a figure to identify with, or maybe a combination of all three. You couldn’t articulate it back then; you only knew that something was missing. And that “something” probably centred around a need for stronger bond with those of your own sex. Maybe you felt different from your peers or alienated from one or both of your parents, most noticeably the one of your own gender. That hurt, no doubt. You wanted closeness; you felt distance. You can’t really say, perhaps, who is to bless or who is to blame. Maybe there was obvious rejection; maybe not. But the result is the same either way.

Maybe you responded by withdrawing, creating your own world of safety and fantasy. Or perhaps you simply waited for someone special to love you and take care of you. You may even have become angry, resolving to never again let yourself feel hurt or rejected by another member of your own sex. Each of these responses affected your relationships with other boys/girls and, eventually, with other men and women. You felt different from them, too. They may never have known your feelings of differentness, but you were all too aware of them. They persisted, giving rise to an aching desire to bond, to be close, to feel accepted.

At some point, perhaps very early, maybe later, you realized that this desire was more than emotional. It was accompanied by sexual longings. Most likely, you were aware of those longings before you even knew what homosexuality was. Then one day you heard the word queer or fag, pondered its meaning, put two and two together, and realized you were one of “them.” It became your secret, most likely difficult to keep and even more difficult to bear. You didn’t ask for these feelings, but you learned that they were unacceptable to most people. That didn’t encourage you to talk them over with anyone, even those closest to you. Your secret became your private burden, one you carried for years. Perhaps even to this day.

So for you, homosexuality, whether expressed through actions or fantasies, represents legitimate emotional needs that have not been satisfied through normal means. You are not mentally ill, reprobate, or retarded. In fact, you may be a highly capable adult who functions well in most areas. But at some point you have found deep satisfaction through homosexual feeling.

<http://thetruthsetsyoufree.wordpress.com/sexualization-of-emotional-needs/>

Ugh this is so hard to put out there. But I need to, otherwise I will keep interacting with everyone I meet using all the unhealthy methods of relating that I have secretly used my whole life. It makes me think of a term that a fellow struggler shared, "emotionally handicapped", but that is a whole other post in and of itself!

A Mother's Love

2009-07-29T10:44:00.004-05:00

Today is my Mom's birthday. I called and left a message wishing her a "Happy Birthday" and said that I loved her. And it's true, I do love her but our relationship has a long way to go still.

This past Friday I chose to share with her my experiences and thoughts regarding the recent Exodus Conference I attended. This is the first time I have spoken to her directly about SSA struggles. I believe that she was nominally aware of them via my step-Dad and by the token that I was going an Exodus conference. I shared with her that I had struggled with this since I was 10 or 11. And that Exodus and their ministry is exactly what I and the Church needs. I also shared that while this struggle has been one of my deepest darkest secrets, God may be asking me to be willing to share my story in some more public fashion.

Her response? To say the Bible says it's a sin, even that it says this is a worse sin than others, and that I should consider how damaging me sharing my struggles could be to others. Case in point; she hoped I was not planning on telling my Aunts and Uncles about any of this because she "wouldn't be able to face them, they would think we were terrible parents".

That hurt.

It's not that I expected an amazingly positive, modern, mature christian response from her. But apparently I was hoping for a bit more understanding than I got. But I guess the whole point of sharing with her was to not have to hide my feelings and struggles from my own family. Mom has always been pretty distant, functional, but not warm and cuddly. I remember coming home from school (more than once) to find just-made chocolate chip cookies cooling on the counter. Mom was there to serve up cookies and milk...but no conversation. I ate in silence.

I'm not sure how all this ties in my addiction, SSA struggles, or what not. And I'm not sure it even matters, but what matters is that I get it out and don't have the toxic effects of it continuing to erode my insides.

Note: This is a small vignette of my interactions with my Mom. She is and has been a very hard working, dedicated, single mother (from my age 4 to 10). She has done the best she could with what she had (mentally, emotionally, physically) at the time. But I have to acknowledge where it wasn't enough...some of my needs went unmet (maybe still do). The process of working this out is proving to be pretty difficult, and I'm sure this was a tough for her to process. With God's help, hopefully she will, in time, begin to accept my struggle and what God may decide to do with it and/or me.

Another Slip

2009-07-29T10:18:00.005-05:00

For those of you new to my blog, I have been part of a 12 step recovery program (Sexaholics Anonymous) for almost 2.5 years and I have been keeping track of my sobriety*.

Until today I had 32 days of sobriety (consecutive). That ended this morning. Nothing too hideous, morbid, or illegal...heck there wasn't even porn involved. But there doesn't have to be for it to be a problem for me. The trigger this time was feeling 'less than' compared to some friends I interacted with over the weekend. That led to fantasy and ultimately to acting out. There is also a thread of pride/entitlement in there, the idea that "I can manage this. I won't go all the way. It's ok to allow this thought/fantasy to roll around in my head". I did more than let the fantasies in - I welcomed them, all the while saying to myself, "I should be able to handle this."

Obviously, I was wrong.

Now begins the process of revealing my 'slip' to my sponsor, program fellows, and close accountability people. This is the part where I want to run and hide. I can't, at least not if I want to pursue a healthier way of dealing with life than I had chosen in the past. Most of all I need to run to Jesus, my Saviour. I struggle with that too. But I don't have a choice, He is the only one who can help me.

# days sober = 0

* SA sobriety is defined as "no sex with ourselves and no sex with any partner other than the spouse"

Who are you? And what are you doing here?

2009-07-27T21:53:00.001-05:00

One of the first questions at the Exodus Conference that really struck me was asked by Alan Chambers in his opening address.

"Who are you? And what are you doing here?"

This question really resonates with me on so many levels. In the past I have tried to answer that question by where I was. I'm in church - I must be a "christian", I'm helping the youth group - I'm a "youth leader", or I'm into a particular sport - THAT must be who I am. And in truth most people only knew me in the context of those roles. It gave me the "rules" I needed to know to act appropriately within that construct, but I was terrified that I would be discovered, that my secret would get out (he's one of THOSE!!!).

But without those rules to play by, the question becomes even more important.

"Who am I? And what am I doing here?"

I have allowed people and circumstances to say who I am (gay, pervert, failure, useless) but who has the power to truly name me? Who can discern my true nature and name that?

Only the One who created me.

So I need to ask Him, "Who do You say that I am?" When those old voices want to tell me who they think I am, I need to go back to God and ask Him to remind me again who He says I am. This may seem like a very basic idea for some, but for me this is something I really struggle with.

# days sober = 30

Exodus 2009 - Make us One

2009-07-22T23:01:00.006-05:00

I had the awesome privilege of attending my first Exodus Conference in Wheaton, IL. this past week. I will have to take bits of it and develop them into different blog posts - simply because I could not possibly get it all into one.

So I'll just start with the overall impression of the conference, my first formal introduction to Exodus, and meeting many of its key players.

I guess what really struck me is the humility and honesty with which Alan Chambers opened the first evening. This wasn't "Change Camp", nor was it promised that your struggles with SSA would be "greatly reduced" it you just followed these "17 simple steps". What was emphasized throughout the week was that God is glorified and Christ in formed in us during the 'process'. He has a plan and purpose, change is possible - but change may not look like you expected it to.

All very nice catch phrases, but the conference workshops and subsequent speakers fleshed these ideas out with practical applications and exhortations to pursue Christ and healing would come as byproduct of that pursuit.

There are several key areas that God spoke directly to me on, namely in my unforgiviness of self, my disbelief of God ever using me again, and a barrier that I felt was affecting my ability to connect with God.

And if that wasn't enough...there were the people! I have read some posts from individuals who feel that gathering a bunch of SSA strugglers in one place is like the "blind leading the blind" (Heaven forbid that we let sinners actually get together on a regular basis....oh no...we call that CHURCH). It actually was the Church that met there this week, the Body of Christ, doing what it supposed to. Loving, laughing, binding up hurts, teaching, correcting, worshipping...it was all there. In almost any church service I have been in (for years) I have felt that "If they only knew....they wouldn't want me here". The lie is straight from the Pit and this conference was chance to participate freely in worship and have the power of that lie broken. They DO know, and I'm STILL welcome!

# of days sober = 25

2009-06-30T08:47:00.003-05:00

I listen to people say, "I'm turning <#of years old>, and I wish I had ". I hear others share their painful experiences with regret. Or the fear that they have somehow missed "God's Best" for them.

I can relate. I wonder where I would be today if I didn't have an addiction. What would my life look like if I did not struggle with SSA? Is God disappointed to find me here, today?

God looked down through the corridors of time and knew what each of us would need to become more intimately connected with Him and then He ordained our days – overseeing our circumstances, directing our paths, and providing enough of Himself to be available to us when we feel we’re at our wits’ end – so that we would live that story and find Him as our all in all. http://www.crosswalk.com/spirituallife/women/11604138/page0/

On Singleness

2009-05-27T09:31:00.002-05:00

This article on singleness (www.crosswalk.com) peaked my interest. I like reading Hudson's stuff, I actually emailed him once in comment to something he wrote, and he replied! Holy Cow the Internet talked back!!!!! The article is basically about the questions of "why am I still single", and "if so, what is wrong with me"??? It really echoed a lot of the questions I hear inside my own head.

And it rang similar to the other questions of worth and value that I have struggled with all thru the recovery process. I need to dig deeper into this, I feel like the heart of my recovery centers around gaining and applying this understanding of my position and worth being found in Christ alone, and not in anything else I say, do, don't do, have, stand near, or know something about.

Yes its been forever since I have written in the blog, no it hasn't all been good times. But it is what it is.

Run Away!!!!!

2009-04-09T13:34:00.006-05:00

So some days, the last thing I want is to meet the resurrected, glorious Christ. He just exposes too many flaws. Christianity Today "Christ is Risen- Run Away"

This pretty much sums up what I feel like lately. We are supposed to "approach the throne of grace with confidence" but my life seems to ooze anything but confidence in the presence or the potential presence of Jesus. I'm the non-compliant patient, the one with the infected sore. I fail to follow the Dr's orders - which would allow me to live a normal life and keep the infection in check, but again and again I become inflamed with 'stuff' trapped beneath the surface. Maybe its where I've been (not the cleanest of places) , maybe its lack of care - but it's gotten out of control again. I need to see the Healer...but I don't. I don't call, I don't go, I know I should...but I don't.

# days sober = 2

Am I a Practical Atheist?

2009-04-06T14:01:00.004-05:00

I'll let you read the whole article for yourself (the link is below) but I will quote the part that tore me up and made me sit back and ask, "Is this me?". Unfortunately, the answer is "Yes, yes, and yes"

Speaking of being fair, let's. I wonder if our fascination with atheism is well-focused. If Lent, the season we are currently slogging through, reminds us of anything, it reminds us that Christians are often practicing atheists. As I said, philosophical atheists cannot hate God. Christians, on the other hand, know God exists and therefore can and do hate him. One thing you do with persons you hate is pretend like they don't exist.

We dutifully say our prayers in the morning, but then go about the day hardly giving God a thought, making decisions and engaging the day as if we had left him at home. At the end of a whirlwind day, we fall exhausted into bed, and, if we are particularly devout, we offer up another prayer. But the picture at the center of this prayer-framed life is often blank.

Take simple moral choices. Jesus tells us not to lust. But that doesn't stop the occasional peek at porn. We are told to speak the truth in love, and yet we tell so many white lies, we need an Excel sheet to keep track. We know we should turn the other cheek, but we delight in imagining rituals of revenge.

There are unconscious sins — the thoughtless word or angry gesture that comes out of nowhere. But then there are the deliberate sins: we have a moment to ponder our duty, which lies clearly before us. No question what God is calling us to do. And we do the opposite.

If this isn't a form of atheism, even of hating God, I don't know what is. No wonder Jesus uses stark language to describe faith: We either hate Jesus (John 15:23-24) or we hate ourselves (John 12:25). That's what it comes down to. And we often know who "our first hate" is.
ChristianityToday "Where to Find the Real Atheists"

The God that invited us to "do life" with Him, knows all about my tendency to live as if He doesn't exist in whatever situation I'm in...and He's forgiven me for that already.

That is the message of hope for me this Easter.

The Hundred Dollar Bill

2009-03-19T20:44:00.002-05:00

A crisp new one hundred dollar bill - how much is it worth?

Same bill, crumpled up - how much is it worth?

Crumpled bill, lying the the dirt, stepped on, repeatedly

- how much is it worth?

One Hundred dollars.

No matter the condition it is in - a hundred dollar bill is worth $100.

So too it is with us, no matter the condition we find ourselves in
- we are still worth our full face-value to God.

We all want to see ourselves as crisp, new bills.

Truth is...those bills are crisp and new because they haven't been used yet.

Man in the mirror

2009-02-11T12:18:00.003-06:00

So it's been a bit since my last post, it appears that I really like to post when things are going well, but totally go underground when it's not. That seems to be true in several facets of my relations with people around me. I was out of town for a few days on vacation. It seems like "vacation" is good excuse to take time off from recovery. Once I returned home I did not make the effort to reintegrate myself into the Program. As a direct result, as slip was inevitable.

But as I finally started to go back to meetings and begin to re-apply the principles of the program, I do see this one area that has been a consistent 'soft-spot' in my program. I can go to meetings, I can fill out forms, I can make tough phone calls about my past, but the one thing I have consistently avoided doing on a daily basis is honestly looking at (and dealing with) the character defects and broken beliefs inside of me.

I refuse to look in the mirror and be honest about what I see there.

But there is no other way, the problem is not "out there" in the world (or other people). The problem is in me, the diseased attitudes, beliefs, fantasies....it's all in me. And all of my interactions with the people around me are perceived thru that distortion, hence the irrational fears, or the misread relational cue's that seem to plague my life.

The key? Time spent with God in honest introspection, healthy interaction with others, and desire to become transparent (even vulnerable) to others in this process.

# days sober = 4 days

2009-01-21T11:37:00.002-06:00

Came across this today, really convicting as to how I react to the world around me based off of my own insecurities. When of all peoples in the world, as a Christian I should be the most secure, not because of anything in me but because of who has claimed me.

.....from the book The Search For Significance by Robert S. McGee.
"Our true value is based not on our behavior or the approval of others but on what God's word says is true. Our behavior is often a reflection of our beliefs about who we are. It is usually consistent with what we think to be true about ourselves (Prov 23:7). If we base our worth solidly on the truths of God's word, then our behavior will often reflect His love, grace, and power. But if we base our worth on our abilities or the fickle approval of others, then our behavior will reflect the insecurity, fear, and anger that comes from such instability."

I have been learning the truth of those words in recent months. When I trust who God says I am I begin to stock the ingredients listed on the fruits of the Spirit menu board. God declares all of the following list to be true about me…a broken down TV director. And all of these things became true from the MOMENT I trusted Christ.

I am forgiven. Col 2:13–14
I am a child of God. John 1:2; Rom 8:15
I received Christ's KIND of life, eternal: John 5:24
I was delivered from Satan's domain and into the Kingdomof Christ
Col 1:13
Christ came to dwell with me. Col 1:27; Rev 3:20
I am a new Creation: 2 Cor 5:17
I am declared righteous by God: 2 Cor 5:21
I entered a love relationship w/ God: 1 John 4:9-11
I am accepted by God: Col 1:19-22
from Confessions of Bad Christian blog

I need to spend more time than just making a blog entry on these verses. I have not been committing any time to bible study, maybe some recovery, and a quick prayer. But actual, honest study and prayer is really missing in my life.

Acceptance

2009-01-16T11:24:00.004-06:00

The goal of our relationships is not that anything gets fixed, but that nothing is hidden.” TrueFaced

I was again faced with my shame last night. I was faced with communicating (a friend request) with a person from my past whom I feel that I have let down. I failed, I failed to be what I said I was, I failed to live up to what they thought I was. What was and what it looked like were not the same thing in my life. I hid my struggles, I tried to hide my failures. (I even failed at that!)

So when I saw the message from him, my heart quailled, my stomach clenched, and I began to rehash all of the failures that brought me to the point where the relationship was broken. This was a person I used to trust, I called him my friend. And I can't say that he ever stopped being "my friend", I just allowed my shame to create this wall between us.

I'm scared; scared someone will point out the past failures, or bring to light previously unmentioned ones, more examples of how I missed the mark. And I'm worried my tenuos grasp on intrinsic worth (coupled with my deep seated need for affirmation) might not be strong enough to handle much of a blow.

I cannot undo the past, but it's not healthy for me to keep running from it. I need to trust in the goodness of God that He knows what is going on here.

Oh be good, for goodness sake

2009-01-16T10:57:00.004-06:00

I read this and it really made me think, it really seems to reflect how I felt growing up and how I relate to God on many occasions. And how I relate to people around me.

John Coe, the Spiritual Formation Director at Biola University talks about moralistic parents who “exacerbate the original sin inherited heart habits by shame or guilt. These parents are often caring and kind but don’t know what to do with their children’s badness except to exhort or train their children to be good. They merely move the child into covering their bad by being good.” So the child learns to think, “My parents can not handle seeing me as I am; they can not handle the truth of my badness. So, I must hide my heart from them and others. I’ll just try to please or I’ll pretend to please until I am out of their home…No one can love me in my bad. And no one can handle my badness but me. I am supposed to deal with my badness by being good. Being good will make me more acceptable and lovable…”
Coe says, “Many are taught about Christ’s work on the cross, the forgiveness of sins, that God loved them unconditionally. But the love modeled and experienced at home was a kind of conditional love. Their parents did not intend this and they even told their children they loved them unconditionally. The truth, however, was that their children typically experienced more love from their parents when they were being good than when they were being bad.” Or in this case, when they were behaving in a way that embarrassed the parent.
He says, “As a result of shame parenting, the child feels loved but not known.”

quote excerpted from TrueFaced blog

# days sober 4

Fear and Loathing in Wheaton

2009-01-05T17:32:00.002-06:00

Well maybe its not as bad as the title sounds, but I was in the process of signing up for an Exodus Conference that is happening this summer in Wheaton, IL. The conference will cost about $600.00 (plus travel) and it will last 5 days.

5 days...yah try to hide the fact that I am taking off from work, leaving town and going to a conference that I cannot tell my family and most of friends the true nature of - and hoping no one notices. Good luck.

I know I need to go. I know that God really blessed the last mini-conference that I was at. But my feeble excuses are just fears; fears of being found out, fears of what-if, and fears of not being in control of all of the details. So I need to save, pray, and trust that God will provide all that I need according to His riches in glory.

# days sober = 2

Happy 2009

2009-01-02T16:29:00.002-06:00

Not sure how I expected 2009 to start. Two weeks ago, I would have told you how great it was going to be starting off the New Year with more than 60 days of sobriety. (pride goes before the fall...) But even tho I do not have 60+ days of sobriety, I do have the lessons and skills I have learned over this year. I can see a thread of grace running all the way back thru the different ups and downs I have experienced.

I've met new people, I've re-connected with old friends, and I've shared more openly in the relationships that I have. I have much to be grateful for. I start 2009 with a caring, supportive community of friends (and family). I have a great place to live.

Yes, I want 2009 to be different than 2008, but I need not write 2008 off as a wash. The year, and it's choices, existed. I cannot undo that, but I can pray that thru Christ I do not have to redo the same mistakes I made in '08 and I have much to look forward to in '09

# days sober = 1

Zero

2008-12-23T09:19:00.001-06:00

I regretfully write that I gave up 61 days of sobriety last night. A blog entry certainly does not take the place of actually having to admit that in person, but in the interest of timely disclosure I did not want to allow myself to keep it a secret, possibly prolonging the duration of the "slip".

As direct result of my poor choices last night I only got 4 hours of sleep, I have a previously scheduled appointment with my counselor at 11am and I am also feeling very much like I need to be at a meeting, but the only one today is at noon. I'm going to ask my counselor if he wants to do a half session and have me attend the meeting also. But I'd be gone from work like 2.5 hours and that is really hard to sell to my boss, given my other, less than stellar, work habits.

Yes, it sucks. Yes, I feel like crap today, but I know that I had 60 days and that thru Gods' grace I can have another 60. But right now, I have to focus on today and not belittle and shame myself for failure.

# days sober = 0

Is it over yet?

2008-12-21T14:50:00.002-06:00

Today is 60 days of sobriety.

I am thankful, and even a bit surprised that I have made it this far. But I keep waiting for it to get easier. I keep hoping one day I will wake up and find it gone.
But that is not true of today, so on my 60th day of sobriety - I still struggle. Struggle as in, "I think I might like to see some porn" struggle. Struggle as in "If had the chance, I'd make a break for it" kind of struggle.

But I guess the struggle lets me know that I'm still alive.

# days sober = 60

Un-answered prayer

2008-12-14T23:52:00.003-06:00

A friend wrote to me, "But if when you ask to be healed and nothing happens, it makes sense that nothing would happen if it's really important to some big plan." And it caused me to think some on this topic, I am sure that I don't have a lock on the truth of this - but this is what falls out when I tilt my head.

We know that nothing happens except that God allows it to happen, and my understanding of my own SSA struggle it that my desires for masculine affection (eros) are a sinful expression of God given desires for real fellowship and godly intimacy with other men. So I don't know if this a chicken before the egg argument or not - but I hesitate to think of my struggle as some intentional design element in God's greater Plan. More like this is something that, thru early circumstances and my own (sinful) choices, I now struggle with...that even in this struggle (a struggle born out of human causes) - even thru this God has said "All things work together for good to them that love the Lord" Rom 8:28. So that even this, what man intends for evil, God will use to his glory. I'm not sure of the theology, but I struggle with the idea that God would break someones leg in order to further His plans on the earth...moreso that He appears to be willing to use broken things, dirty vessels to carry His water to a dry and thirsty land.

grinding it out...

2008-12-14T22:42:00.003-06:00

This is a phrase I hear a fellow in recovery say pretty often. Now I think I know why he says it. I've been in a funk these past few days, and have been toying with the ideas of lust too much, getting way too close to the edge of sobriety. And why I am toying with lust, people all around me are suffering.

A friend is going thru some very tough times in close relationship.
Another friend is struggling with un-answered prayer.
One is shipping out to Iraq in April.
There are "family issues" across the board. (fighting, yelling, threats of being kicked out)
One is drinking himself silly, for another it's drugs.
A family's son is faced with a surgery (in Jan) to remove a portion of his brain to control his seizures.

And I wonder if today is a good day to lose myself in some good old fashioned lust and pornography....of course the answer is no. I should not beat myself up because of the temptations that roll thru my head, but I can remind myself that God is calling on me, on us, to "watch and pray". The pain is real, the hurts are there, God we need You. We need You to do what only You can do! We need your Grace, we need your Mercy, we need Your Forgiveness.

O God, give me a heart that would be broken by the hurts I see around me, a heart that would bring these things to you as any child would bring a broken item to his earthy father and say, "Papa, it's broken...will you fix it?" In a child's mind there is no question if Papa can fix it, only will he.

In my brokenness I want God to fix things when I pray. Isn't that what prayer is for, " God, fix this."? There might be a different angle, God may have a different idea. In the garden Jesus prayed for the Father to take this cup from him, but "not my will, by Thy will be done". My will is that everything be peachy and rosey, His will is that we may know Him more deeply and draw the world around us into relationship with the Father so that they may, in turn, know the Father more deeply.

Maybe tonight I need to utter a different prayer;

Papa, you see these things that are broken, lives that are hurting, painful struggles that don't go away, rejection, illness, grave circumstances...I know you can fix it, but will You? And when? But until the when becomes now, would You grant us the strength to deal with life as it is? Upholding your promise never to leave or forsake us, but walking with us thru the very things we are sure will be the death of us. Make Yourself known, be in our midst, be our covering - hide our shame, heal our hearts, strengthen that which has been weak. And the hope we have, we have in You, hope in anything else is fanciful wishing at best.

Not my will, but Thy will be done.....

# days sober = 53

45 days

2008-12-05T13:32:00.002-06:00

So I have been sober 45 days now. It's certainly more of a credit to God's grace in my life than any real show of strength or obedience on my part. But I am thankful for it nonetheless.

The things I need to work on are:

Staying away from lustful things (i.e. lusty talk, lusty thoughts, fond remembrances of "old times")
Be at peace with others. I have been so boorish lately, I just seem to get riled up at the littlest of perceived injustices or slights (affects my pride and ego)
Live honestly within my means and resources. This applies to my finances, my time, and the amount of emotional resource I have to commit to any and all areas. Make good decisions about where I really need to be versus where I think I should be.

Bi-polar?

2008-12-03T10:52:00.004-06:00

No, I dont' think I'm actually bi-polar. But I was confronted yet again with how I have two faces, two loves, two trains of thought.

One loves God, one loves Lust. Ugh.

And it's so obvious after it comes out in some phrase, some direction of conversation, some way in which it's totally obvious which side I'm coming from.

10 And so blessing and cursing come pouring out of the same mouth. Surely, my brothers and sisters, this is not right! 11 Does a spring of water bubble out with both fresh water and bitter water?
James 3:10-11 NLT

17 But the wisdom from above is first of all pure. It is also peace loving, gentle at all times, and willing to yield to others. It is full of mercy and good deeds. It shows no favoritism and is always sincere. 18 And those who are peacemakers will plant seeds of peace and reap a harvest of righteousness.
James 3:17-18 NLT

These are definitely some verses I need to apply more directly to how I speak and relate to others.

No Brother of mine

2008-12-01T13:48:00.003-06:00

As I sit and think about having to ask my older brother about what it was like growing up in our house...I can't help but begin to see the myriad of ways that we didn't relate. We didn't share anything in common. We didn't play together by choice (it was only because we both had to utilize the same bag of Legos). He was not a confidant, he was not a safe person for me, he was not available, not protective...he was not my brother in all the ways I wish someone would have been.

Some of this has come up just because of this process of recovery I am going thru, but the more poignant observations were highlighted by a recent look at a buddies Facebook photos. Photos of he and his brother doing "brother hikes", camping trips, shirtless ski runs (family tradition). Photos of them arm in arm being brothers...the love, the bond is obvious. I have none of that. And that is a very sad realization.

So I cannot change the past. How do I then move past this? Can I forgive him for being a crappy brother? Is it even right to expect all that of him? Wasn't he just trying to survive the very same 'family of origin' that has already churned out two full-blown addicts?

What if I don't want to know?

2008-12-01T13:26:00.003-06:00

It appears that my latest task is to find out more about my childhood. Like the part of my childhood that I have completely blocked out and do not remember (My folks were divorced when I was like 4, adn I really don't remember much until 4th or 5th grade). And the really crappy part of it...I get to ask my older brother (whom I have never been close with) for those missing details - because he is the only other one who was there. My older brother, the bully, the "I don't know anything about you" - older brother. The "I got marreid, moved away, and haven't called since" - older brother. The "I limit any and all interactions with this part of the family" - older brother.

So what if I don't want to know? What if I really would prefer to leave the past and it's pain in obscurity? I had no idea this process of unearthing the past would prove so dreadfull, so filled with unreasoning fear. I have faced fears of divulging dark secrets, fears of losing everything I know to do, fears of what life might be like without my addictive crutch, fears of expectations of others....but this....this scares the $%^# out of me.

So why do I fear that part of my past so much? Maybe there is really nothing there and I will learn nothing new except that my brother isolated adn insulated himself from all of it, shutting me out in the process. Or maybe that he just didn't care.

Either way, there is the door...and there is only one way thru.

I'm really beginning to hate these single option choices.

# days sober = 40

Thanks for my Past???

2008-11-29T10:28:00.002-06:00

So I'm home for Thanksgiving. It's been good to be with family but I've been struggling with thoughts from my past. Things I participated in, and at the time thought I enjoyed, but now these memories are seriously dangerous to my sobriety. Things from my past that I am sorry for, or not proud of are much easier to push out of my head. But these things, I look back and relish the recall.

I think this is a direct result of being away from meetings and the regular elements of my recovery and support. I'm gonna have to decide if I can leave early to go back to the City and make church there on Sunday morning.

# of days sober 38

Milestones

2008-11-21T09:01:00.003-06:00

As a kid we always used to play this card game called Mille Bornes. Apparently its french for 1000 miles. The goal was to lay down milestone cards of 20 50 or 100 miles, with the goal of hitting 1000. The tough part of the game was you had to have a "green light" card in order to lay down miles...we'll that wasn't so bad, it was the obstacles that other players could throw in your way; Accident, Panne d'essence (out of gas), Creve(flat), Limite de vitesse(speed limit). Not only did this prevent you from laying down any more miles, you had to remedy the problem before you could move on. My strategy was always to get the BIG mileage cards and lay them down, so I would sorta ignore the smaller milestones constantly pushing for the big ones. Thing is, most of the time the winner did it by consistently laying down small milestones and avoiding the Hazards.

Today I am at 30 days sober. I have not had this many sober days in a row yet this year. So it is a work of God's grace and power in my life to bring me to this place again. But as I sit and think, "30 days...." - there are some voices inside my head try to tell me that 30 days isn't that long, or it's okay if you go act out again - you can get it back later. But those voices are not telling the truth.

30 is a milestone, it's not 90 days, it's not a year....but it's a milestone that says I'm on the road, I have the green light, I'm putting down miles, and hopefully I'm avoiding the worst of the hazards.

That, in Mille Bornes, is a winning combination.

days sober = 30

Prop 8

2008-11-19T00:25:00.005-06:00

In a recent conversation about a vigil being held on campus in support of Prop 8 (recently defeated by California voters), I had this response;

I really struggle with how to meet people where they are but yet not water down what I believe. I believe that far more people (than most church folks would like to admit) struggle with sexual issues (same-sex or addictions) So these issues aren't going away anytime soon, but the answer isn't to accept it, make it a happy part of society, and hope it doesn't have grave consequences on the kids growing up in those homes.
God made it so that kids got different needs and elements in their development met by the differing elements of mom and dad, male and female. The reason this idea of gay marriage seems so appropriate to the the rest of the world is squarely rooted in the same ideas that give rise to evolution, global warming, and extreme environmentalism.
God is a myth.
And if God is a myth, then Planet Earth is all we have - so protect it above even human life. If God does not exist, then there is no divine design for families and we can concoct whatever sort of thing we want and call it a "family" or a "marriage". And if God did not create life, in the Beginning, then there is no one to tell us it's not okay to end it when we feel like (early or late).
So while I struggle with the immediate pain that rejecting Prop 8 causes gay and enlightened folks, I have to fall back on the fact that God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve. Ultimately I rest easier in the knowledge that these are not my arguments, ideas, or rules...they are God's - I'm just following orders. But I need to follow those orders and see the underlying desperate need for acceptance that they are trying to gain thru this and other actions in their life.

The idea of needing to be accepted, and being willing to do almost anything to get that acceptance is not foreign to me. But how I choose to convey my beliefs in the hard conversations of late - that is where I struggle to show compassion and still hold the line on my beliefs. Right now I hold the line pretty darn good...it's the compassion that seems to suffer.

days sober = 28

God of Last Resort

2008-11-17T23:07:00.005-06:00

That was part of a phrase my pastor used on Sunday. And it struck me, not totally in context with what he had in mind, but it struck me nonetheless. And I had to ask myself do I use God as a "god of last resort"? Like the self destruct sequence in every SciFi movie, or the oracle that is so hard to get to that you only go if it is the very last thing you have left to do. Do I only go to God when I have used up all of my options? 50/50, phoned a friend, polled a room full of people I barely know....THEN if none of those work...."Ah, God. I could use some help down here."

The crazy thing is, God is so loving, so kind...He is willing to be my God of Last Resort. He is willing to help when I have played all my cards and the dealer is still winning. He is willing to let me phone ALL of my friends, and when I finally ask Him...He answers. I have to assume there is disappointment that I wouldn't come to Him first, hasn't He proven Himself faithful, hasn't He come thru countless other times? Would it be so hard to try Him first?

I need to do more than try Him first. I need to see Him as my only option, not the Holy Last Resort, but the sole option. Alpha - Omega. Only hope, only love, only shield, only healing, only salvation, only God, first resort....and my last resort.

Why do you always find the thing you were looking for in the last place you looked? Cause that is where you finally stopped looking.

God help me to find whatever it is that I'm looking for, in You.

sober 26 days

Free to Set Free

2008-11-03T13:06:00.002-06:00

So my weekend was not very exciting, no trips, no parties, no outdoor adventures...but it was okay. I went to a meeting Friday night and Saturday morning. I attended church on Sunday and hung out and talked with a friend afterwards. The message on Sunday seemed to be a big underscore to some of the things that God was pointing out on the retreat (last weekend) and just ideas that have been coalescing over the past couple months.

I have always had such shame and guilt over my same sex struggle, hence my strong desire to tell no one more than absolutely necesary. But it seems as if God is pointing towards a different model of disclosure...one that seems to involve a LOT more people than I would really be comfortable with. What I'm learning is that it isn't all about me...there are many people faced with the same struggles, many of whom struggle in painful, lonely silence. And God's heart is not to just heal me so that I might go about my own life in a less deficient or less malformed way, but that He might choose to use me to convey a message of hope and encouragement to a fellow struggler. Not that I am that much further ahead, but more so that God in His great wisdom and compassion for us does not want to leave us to struggle alone (He chooses to give us Hope by whatever means He can). So we are not only set free, just to be free, but that God may use our story of freedom to draw others to freedom in Him. (if I'm understanding my pastor correctly)

My next step appears to be to share my story with my pastor. I need to sit down with my support and get their opinion on this (thursday night) but I can actually see this happening...where there was only fear before. I do still have huge fears about who might hear of this...but I guess I have to trust the God has got my back on this one too.

So this most painful of all secrets in my life, this too can be used for the glory of God? This is a mystery I still find hard to grasp.

days sober = 12

Romans

2008-10-30T09:16:00.004-05:00

I have so much stuff rolling around in my head from the weekend that I was on. I wrote some of it out in my blog already. I've tried to have a conversation everyday regarding it (to keep it fresh). I'm still finding that one of the things I miss is human contact, spending face to face time with people on a consistent basis. Just the kinds of "hang out" time, play games, watch movies, climb. And I have so little of those right now, and what time I do get usually ends up being with either a non-christian or someone who doesn't know my story, and there is not the freedom to just share what is running thru my head. Phone calls make a pretty good surrogate, but there are only a handful of ppl outside of the program that I can talk to....and it seems like it doesn't always have to be about the issue (altho that seems to be the brunt of it) but simply being able to talk to someone who knows my story and my struggle with same-sex attraction...and still accepts me - that is the powerful element of it.

This weekend is one of the first in about 4 or 5 weeks that I will actually be in town. Which is scary because that means I have to deal with staying sober straight up, no excuses or distractions to fall back on.

These are the verses I read this morning that I really need to chew on for a bit still. (Rom 12:1-2 and Rom 12:9-21) But they really spoke to me about how I should be, those things which I should be striving for. And it made me realize how little striving versus how much struggling I have been doing. And for me, the difference between those two ideas is that when I just struggle, I am flopping like a fish out of water hoping that somehow I will, miraculously, flop back into the water), but striving, for me, implies a more directed force and goal to the exhertions.

Shameless

2008-10-29T08:54:00.002-05:00

One of the most amazing parts of this last weekend was not fully realized until some time after I got home. In the conversations that followed with friends, my sponsor, and my counselor; it became apparent that one of the elements with which I struggle so much (shame) was not present in my re-telling of the events and happenings of the weekend.

It was true...for possibly the first time in my life, I was shameless (or very nearly so). An unexpected gift of grace. Over the years my shame has crippled me, "I'm different", "they wouldn't like me if they knew what I was thinking", "I'm disqualified from ministry because of this". That shame keeps me from beleiving I will amount to anything, that I will be useful, or even that I deserve to be loved.

But in that moment, without much fanfare, God was showing me what it's like to live without that shame. The release from shame comes in being truly known; known that I struggle, known that I fail, and accepted anyway. In the end, I need to learn to accept myself - but it appears that God shows us how it's done when others accept us; sins, scars, struggles, and all.

Exodus

2008-10-27T21:58:00.003-05:00

I went to an Exodus Conference this weekend. My worst fears were never realized. I received that which I never expected. And things I couldn't even hope for were bandied about like they were the everyday!

There is no way to explain all of what went on in my head and heart as the weekend unfolded. I have lived since I was young hiding my sexual struggles, the only people that really knew them were people with whom I acted those struggles out. Even while growing up thru high school, college, and all thru the ministry years. What I felt on the inside was never meant to come out. Jekyll and Hyde. And the pain of that war within was slowly killing me. To give in to the temptation was only fleeting relief. Even as things began falling out, and almost up this very point....I have never gone any place where I could truly be 'me' and not fear immediate rejection. Never have I been able to simply accept that I struggle with same sex attractions and let that knowledge be known in any group (other than the clandestine meetings of other addicts seeking recovery, whom are sworn to secrecy and anonymity).

Today I know a freedom I have never experienced. In that time and place, it was okay to be known as one who struggles with this issue. It was like walking into an field hospital....seeing fellow soldiers; all with their own scars, missing limbs, and wounds taken in the battle. But this is not a funeral, this is a place of HEALING. They come here to get well, and the more well look after those just being brought in!!! I could finally talk openly with any number of people about the fact that I have struggled with SSA all my life. I was free, free to be me, free to laugh, and love, and share in the mess that is life.

And in the midst of it is Christ; nodding, pointing, directing my attention to things. Showing me hurts other than my own, allowing me to see with His eyes. My process is so far from complete, I feel like I have barely left the start line. But for a moment, the fog was lifted, my perspective was elevated (zoomed out - if you will), so that He could show me that I am not the only one who hurts. And the He has a plan to heal ALL those hurts, but it's going to take some time, and trust.

And the glaring hypocrisy of me believing that I could marry myself to an image on the screen and the lust in my heart and somehow not have to call it adultery....so now all of my pathetic rationalizations for allowing even those remaining expressions of my secret sin are shown for what they are...offal.

The headiness is scary because it all sounds great, but the truth remains - there is no helicopter coming to pick me up...it's just one foot in front of the other. The journey continues.

Exodus Conference

2008-10-27T09:14:00.002-05:00

Ok so I attended an Exodus Conference this weekend. I was so not prepared for what really happens there. There's so much that I need to process out. So much that I need to write down so I can remember it. This post just serves as a placeholder this morning...a reminder and a commitment to write more about this.

My Indian name

2008-09-02T14:22:00.002-05:00

No disrespect to those of actual Indian heritage, but the Indian tradition of giving names based on character traits has no parrallel in middle-american society.

I was at a group counseling session last week, again sharing my minimal amount of sober days with the group. Lamenting on how I don't seem to do better. The counselor chimed in and decided to tell me what my "indian name" is....Struggling Failure. Struggling Failure? The more he explained the more it seemed to fit. It is like I'm there saying, " Well, I tried, but this thing got in my way....and I wanted to do better, but I feel really bad....so remorse is good, right? I'm sorry I didn't live up to the standard, but aren't I lovable in my mess?"

Yes, the program does say, "Easy does it", but I've made a career out of being 'easy' on myself. So somewhere in true intimacy, the tolerance for continual failure is reached and someone begins to call you out on it.

Struggling Failure, not the name I woudl have chosen for myself, not a name to be proud of. So what does that mean? It means, I need a new name!!!! How do I get it, exactly the same way I got this one, by earning it.

The Withered Hand

2008-08-24T22:47:00.003-05:00

So I wasn't going crazy in church this week....I did write about the guy with the withered hand last week, the pastor mentioned it in his message today. But it could be more than just a hand, a withered faith, a withered hope, a withered spirit, it could be all those areas of you and me that have taken damage as a result of the sin in this world and the sinful choices we've made.

His hand was withered, probably for years....no normal hand shakes, curious stares from children (and prolly adults), whispers behind his back, can't open things right, can't work, can't feel, can't reach out and touch someone without them cringing...so he stops trying. Hand withered first, hope withering day by day.

Did he have hope that day? Why was he in the temple when Jesus was there? Did he think the Master would even notice him?

But Jesus knew, He knew without looking at him....He knew. He knew the pain that the hand had caused....regardless of how it got that way, and He was going to do something about it. If Jesus had asked the man to walk to another city to be healed...would he have gone? If Jesus said, do this and do that, would he have done it? If Jesus had suggested a 'course of action' that could begin to heal the withering....would he have followed it?

Or would he have said, "Well, I really hate this hand, but that city is quite far off....and I'm not sure if I can fit those things you asked me into my schedule this week...'healed' you say? Like functional healed, or cosmetic healed?" And in his heart the questions that ring even louder, "If you can heal my hand, can you heal all of me?"

And who is the "guy with the withered hand" when suddenly his hand is no longer withered?

God, you know the withered parts in me, the parts that keep me from being able to reach out and touch people, the parts that cause me to hide in shame. You've suggested a course of action, you've given companions for the journey....so why haven't I left town yet? (figurative, I'm not moving anywhere - that I know of)

Things to ponder...

Days Sober = 1

Consecutive meetings = 0

No summit for you...

2008-08-19T15:13:00.002-05:00

So I want to write some form of whitty, yet slighty bitter, semi-sarcastic entry on how and why I find myself sitting in Wisconsin - when by all of my best plans, and self-possesed will, I'm supposed to be sitting on a rock 12,500 ft up Long's Peak. I should be setting up a tent in the Boulderfield in about 2 hours, but in 2 hours I'll be punching out of work. Headed for a meeting with my sponsor, then yet another group meeting. The weather here in WI today is 67 and partly cloudy, it feels like I could be sitting on a Lake in the Boundary Waters, or setting up a tent somewhere.....anywhere...but I'm not. I know this sounds bitter and a bit hopeless, good - at least it reflects what I'm feeling.

Just yesterday I was thinking "wow, I had an alright weekend". Now, I couldn't give a rats-a$$ about the weekend. All I can see is all the things I cannot do because of my back or my addiction. And it sucks, but apparently it doesn't suck so bad that I actually want to DO something about it. It's easier to write a blog about things than it is to make those daily decisions to move toward health and sobriety so that I am not limited in what I can do. And maybe then I won't care so much abotu fulfilling MY dreams, as I will care about finding out what His Will for me is.

But right now, I feel like crap. The truth of it is, that I am not crap, I have friends and family who love me. I recently found a church that was pretty darn welcoming, and I will end up "outside" again. So the trapped, helpless, hopeless feelings...are just that...feelings, they are not the truth, certainly not "the whole truth and nothing but the truth".

So would me standing on the summit tomorrow have had any bearing on my addiction and struggles with same-sex attraction? Doubtful, I'd just have all those same struggles and be breathing alot less percentage of oxygen while I was standing there. Do I really beleive that climbing up 14,000 ft would somehow get me close enough to God so that He'd finally hear me? Cause obviously thats the problem - He can't hear me, cause if He could - He would have resuced me already. He would have come down and made all these nasty thoughts go away, and I would suddenly only want to do the "right thing"....unfortunately, or rather thankfully - God is not Prince Charming and knows far too well that to rescue me is to leave me bent and ill-formed. No, only on the long hike home can the scars and wreckage of my prior years be stretched and straightened into a form more human-like, less hunched. Much like the parable of the man with the shriveled hand, everytime he reached out to do anything - his deformity was painfully obvious...yet Jesus healed him in such a way as to completely overcome the deformity.

Crash and Burn II

2008-07-08T15:55:00.001-05:00

Ok, so I just finished with Pope.

The short answer:

"Yes, it will feel awful. Go to more meetings...."

Strangely enough I'm ok with that. There is alot more "fluff" as Russ called it that we did talk about, I do think I have a better idea of why we are going here, and what exactly here looks like. I'll def be writing more about it so as to solidify the thoughts around it.

"Loneliness does not equal Death"

"You decide if it is going to be death-loneliness or opportunity-loneliness"

I need to evaluate and share how I'm feeling, but if I were to write it down I would need 2 columns; one for "what am I feeling" and one for "what is the truth".

I need to use my support to help navigate the middle ground in between black and white....I'm far too all or nothing in my thinking.

So that's what I'm able to throw out there for right now.

Crash and Burn

2008-07-08T11:24:00.002-05:00

So this last weekend was a bust as far as attending 30 meetings in 30 days. I have been struggling so hard with this idea. Is it because I cannot let go that I do not pour myself into recovery work, or is it because until a month after my surgery climbing had no real presence in my schedule of events for the previous 6 to 8 months due to my back?

How do I balance participation in ANY aspect of life and still work on recovery? How do I not indentify with anything? Is that even possible? Is it that I don't value recovery as "real life" or the image of what life would look like (work, alone, go home, alone, weeknights, alone, weekends, alone....) too scary to comtemplate? Is it the fantasy of the future trip that keeps me alive? I don't beleive I thought that before....but take it away and I fall apart, what is that? A year ago, I had 83 days of sobriety, and I was climbing....so what is different about the past year where I have been physically sidelined from climbing - yet unable to maintain sobriety of any appreciable number of days.

Is it that I am terrified to be alone with myself? Is the answer to that to be forced to stare into the face of that which terrifies you and not turn away?

Climbing is a source of community, it is a context with which to interact with friends, it is an outlet that encourages physical development in order to better enjoy the activity, it provides an opportuinty to take trips that offer a break from the grind of work (and of life).

I've been accused of living in the pity party mode regarding this. I don't think (at least I dont' beleive that I think) that climbign is the answer to my sobriety...I don't think that more climbing, or climbing at some perfert level would render me suddenly sober, but nor do I beleive that my focus and energies are so consumed by climbing that it is the sole reason I don't do my homework, spend more time in prayer, journaling, meetings, or anythign else recovery related.

What am I doing when I wasn't at a meeting....tv. sitting at home, anything else...so is what I'm doing instead of recovery, or is the fact that I appear willing to sit and do NOTHING rather than work on my recovery?

What is this paralysis of the soul? Depression? Or lack of will? Lack of moral fibre? Simply resistance to doign what is right? Do all these questions imply a complete lack of surrender, or a desire to work this out?

I don't know....I see the counselor in a couple hours...we'll see what he thinks of all my questions.

1 down, 29 to go

2008-06-30T22:23:00.003-05:00

So I've been advised to attend 30 Meetings in 30 days. So that means I goto a meeting every day....well their are not SA meetings everyday of the week that I can make. So I have to fill in with some AA meetings too.

This is tied to my having to give up climbing and finding my identity in climbing. This is going to be hard. I'm not sure what it's gonna look like. And I am scared that I won't really be committed but just going thru the motions.

Do I really want to be sober, at all costs? Am I willing to give up those activities and associations I hold most dear to gain sobriety? Can I live life in such a way as to protect that sobriety in the midst of lust-crazed world? I don't know, but I do know that God can - if I am willing.

1 day sober

Give up Climbing....

2008-06-23T21:32:00.002-05:00

So today I went to see the counselor, I have not had an official one on one with him since Nov 15th. And today he dropped a bombshell.

"I think you should give up climbing" (he also said something about 30 meetings in 30 days, but I was still stuck back on the give up climbing part)

No climbing, no trips, no hanging out...just recovery. Why does that sound like such a pitiful life? I have been crying most of the night so far, fearing that I am being asked to give up the one thing that has brought me a measure of joy over the past few years. But is that joy a mere pitance compared to joy that God wants to bestow on life fully centered on him? A life that may yet involve climbing, but climbing in balance with the other areas and elements of my life.

Do I hang on to the life I know or do I let go and trust the Program to catch me? I'm so afraid, afraid to try, afraid to fail, afraid that all I will end up is alone, and still an addict. To say no to this....is to thwart every good thing that God is trying to do in my life...of that I am almost convinced. Yet I am remain terrified of the prospect.

Oh that my cowardly heart would suffer an untimely demise that a much more courageous one would take it's place.

Houston, we have a problem....

2008-06-16T23:26:00.003-05:00

Ok, so more than one, but it hit me today while sitting in an SA meeting that I have a problem relating with people who don't need me. There is nothing I have or can do that they don't have or cannot do for themselves, hence they don't need me.

And for some reason that makes it harder for me to connect with them. I have built a life around being helpful, giving advice, or passing on some skill...and I feel good when I do those things. Maybe even feel like it gives me a purpose. And when I don't feel needed; I feel lonely, old, and basically have a pity-party for myself.

But thsi idea of being needed also implies an in-equity in the relationship, and that without something to give (or get) there is little obvious reason for a relationship. I think this speaks alot to my co-dependant tendencies. And I'm only scratching the surface.

I have relationships that may have started in the needed phase (or a perceived need or teaching opportunity) and have progressed out of that. But I still find myself, in those relationships, hovering a little too much, maybe offering more advice than is really needed or wanted. I wonder how much damage am I doing to the friendship by being that way, and how the heck do I not be that way?

The click that kills

2008-06-11T10:21:00.003-05:00

It was broad daylight, there were people standing around...yet there it was, laying on the ground - dead, my sobriety. What happened? Who killed it?

Just a click, that's who.

I got a SPAM email, I knew better than to open it. But it had just the right words, and I opened it...no picture, just a link. "Hit DELETE, you dork!" "Naw lets' see if the Filter will catch this one, it does for all the others"

Click.

Whoa, guess they haven't blocked this yet, Free Tour? Click. Page 2. Click. Page 3. Click.

End of Tour...end of sobriety...funny thing is...didn't cost me a penny. Just a click.

# days sober = 1

Feeling like I don't belong

2008-06-05T00:34:00.001-05:00

So I goto 'group therapy' sessions, and I am always feelign liek the odd man out. Mostly due to the fact that I'm the only one losing my sobriety between the last session and the current one. Everyone else there has like 6 mo or more. So I was making noises and taking steps towards pulling myself out of those sessions. I feel like "group" work is like Level 2 stuff, level 1 being basic sobriety, meeting's, phone calls. Staying sober. And I'm not doing Level 1 consistently, or even inconsistently.

But maybe I'm trying to pull myself out not as a way to help myself, but moreso to remove myself from the spot that makes me feel guilt and shame over my actions. I wanted to stop going as a way to re-focus on Level 1 stuff and start seeing the Pope one on one more. maybe I just have to admit that I'm not doing what I should and instead of running away I should be running into...into not only group session every other week, but commit to one on one sessions with the Pope on the opposite weeks.

I have no idea how I'll be able to fit that into the schedule with PT, and the exercise stuff I need to do to rehab my back. But I guess that is why it is a God-thing, not a Brett-thing

So what am I supposed to talk about?

2008-06-04T22:56:00.000-05:00

I hear alot of newcomers to the program ask, "Ok I know I'm supposed to make phone calls....but what am I supposed to say?" I found this excerpt on the web and I thought it really answered that question, but it also points to the things I'm supposed to be still saying in my personal calls, along with a daily Renewal, I need to be asking these questions...and answering them...to a person, to my journal/blog, and to my Higher Power.

Describe any lust temptations you’ve had in the past 24 hours,
and how you’ve dealt with them.
Tell me about any “noise” in your head or heart, as well as anything that you need to bring into the light from the past 24 hours.
Do you anticipate anything coming up in the next 24 hours that could be a threat to your recovery?
Tell me about the time spent with your Higher Power, your Step Work, and any other victories you’ve had in the past 24 hours.

That is at least a starter list for what I should be trying to talk about in a phone call. Now the key is picking up the phone!!!!!

Renewal Pledge

2008-06-04T22:51:00.000-05:00

Are you willing to admit you are powerless over lust?
Do you desire sobriety and freedom from the actions and obsessions of lust, as well as further recovery, for the next 24 hours?
Are you willing to do whatever is necessary to protect this sobriety, including being rigorously honest?

Pouring your heart out to God? Calling on Others?
Forgiving all resentments? Surrendering all lust hits as toxic?
Reading literature? Going to meetings?
Setting and maintaining boundaries?
Promoting an attitude of gratitude?
Refraining from negative thinking?
Putting goals before busy-ness?

Are you willing to do whatever is necessary to continue in recovery - including working the steps for at least 15 minutes (up to several hours if necessary) in the next 24 hours?
Do you realize this renewal does not keep us sober - God does - however, it does help us to be aware of ourselves and accountable to others?
Do you realize this renewal is just for today, and yesterday's step work will not keep you sober today?

Are you willing with me now to turn your will and life over to the care of God, the one who kept us sober yesterday and protected us from the full consequences of our lust and negative attitudes in the past?

Anywhere but here.

2008-05-28T12:35:00.000-05:00

Today I sat outside and ate lunch (greasy McD's burger, horrible I know), while I ate I listened to music on my Ipod. I was sitting on a metal picnic table, on the top level of our 2 story parking garage for work...and the ache in my heart was almost enough to make me cry. I wanted to be anywhere but here.

Here. Where I feel lonely (still) too much of the time. Here. Where I rarely enjoy my day at work, nor do I give my employer the kind of day they prolly enjoy paying me for. Here. Where I am rarely sober for more than a week. Here. Where I am not fully moved in yet, and def not settled. Here. Where I can't even plan a camping trip because I can't walk that far, lift that much, or handle much in the way of elevation gain. Ugh, I hold back the tears as I attempt to type this. My life is not that bad...why do I dislike it so?

The answer is fairly obvious...because I'm not sober, because I'm not connected to the One Source that can bring balance to all this that is here. So that answer is get close to Him, I just feel like I don't know how to do that anymore. That's not true, I prolly know how to do it, I just don't because it involves obedience, patience, living within my means, and stepping out of my fantasy world and living each moment grounded in reality.

It's prolly related, and it's prolly an escape...but I really want to go camping. I just want to be out there, somewhere...prolly because it's anywhere but here.

Preachin to the Choir

2008-05-22T14:58:00.000-05:00

I read this article on Crosswalk.com about how, in many christian churches, it's ok to hate gays. But really we are to see people who struggle with all forms of sexual sin as people who struggle with sin, not the sin they struggle with.

Even tho many things repluse us, how repulsive is the stench of our sin stained hands when we lift them up in praise, all the while hiding judgement and animosity in our hearts. Of which I am completely guilty.

I struggle to see myself as a person and not the tally of good and bad that I have done this week. There's a song out called "My Jesus" that really speaks to a much grittier, more common Jesus who reached into the lives of the hurting in the midst of the sin and pain to show them love.

When God makes you cookies

2008-04-11T10:09:00.000-05:00

I was having a discussion with some guys, and the topic of affirmation came up. Where do we desire to get our affirmation from? And is that who we are supposed to get it from? In recovery we learn that we are supposed to get our affirmation internally and from our Higher Power. But how does one get affirmation from God? Cloud shapes that spell "Atta Boy!!!"? Talking donkeys? Actually I think I learned how to recognize God-originated affirmation from my Mother.

Mom made chocolate chip cookies, they would be just coming out of the oven when I got home from school. At that time, my Mom and I did not have deep conversations...but what I can see now in those cookies was written, "I love you, I made you cookies."

So today, how do I see the affirmations of an invisible God? In each and every moment that I feel His presence, or a special situation comes up and I am blessed, or a comfort is delivered to me in some un-expected, un-explainable way.

That is God saying, "I love you, I made you cookies."

What do I run to?

2008-03-27T13:09:00.000-05:00

Well, I've been struggling pretty hard with life lately. And I have been seeing all of my addcitive tendencies come out in full force to meet the challenge.

I've been under stress at work (who isn't), an uncle of mine died last week, I have a lot of pain in my back, and I'm trying to find a place to live for May 1st. Many people have much harder things to deal with, but that is my plate...and for me - it's a full one.

How am I dealing with it, well; i'm eating constantly(junk food, soda, snacks, fried anythings), I'm irritable and crass, and my lust response is at full throttle. Oh and did I fail to mention that I stopped taking my anti-depressants a while ago? Yeah I guess I thought I didn't need them or was too depressed to take them...whatever. So I made the situation I am in.

But I realize that I treat my needs like a shopping list. Even tho SUPER-Walmart exists...I will get one thing from this store and a few things over there, and then this one thing only from this one store. But if I was a Faithful Wal-mart shopper, I would say to myself, "Self, if'n Wal-mart don't got it, then it must not be somethin' yer really needin." And I realize it's not the best analogy, but truly we are blessed with a great God who promises that he will supply all of my needs.

So when I need something....where do I go? Lately, and in the past, I go to different places to get different things, Super Wal-mart (God) being just one of them. But God wants to be my one and only stop - for everything.

Hopefully this will save on gas....

God is in Control???

2008-02-26T10:41:00.000-06:00

So lately I've been experiencing alot of stress and difficulty. Some is a result of my own struggles, some is purely external and seemingly unrelated. Even if I choose to ignore it, the truth is....nothing is ever unrelated in God's economy. The most painful issue for me is my lower back, I hernaited a disk in January of 2007, after a long, slow rehab I had begun to feel generally better and had gone back to climbing and generally doing most things without too much restriction. Last week I apparently re-injured my back. Now I am faced with signifigant pain on a daily basis. I can barely put my shoes and socks on in the morning, I have difficulty getting in to my car (because I cannot bend enough to get in properly), I waddle like an old man when I walk, and sitting in a chair (for work) is no relief.

I can barely take care of myself (or so it seems).

So it's in this frame of mind that I hear KLOVE on my ride to work. Where all the songs were about "God is in control", "Hold fast, help is on the way."

I am struggling with this because the pain in my back (not to mention my struggle with addiction), is not driving me closer to God. Instead I retreat inside myself, keeping up the pretenses of interacting with people, but isolated none the less. I still don't take this opportunity to throw myself on the mercy of God and learn that in myself I have no strength, in myself I have no control, in myself I have nothing....I am powerless in the face of life and it's situations.

I hate this pain...I hate that I use it as an excuse to be rude to those around me, I hate that it interferes with the plans the I have for me, I hate that cripples me in a visible way, and that it prevents me from exercising - even if I wanted to. So then I feel trapped, that it will always be this way.

In some ways I am beginning to feel like Job, where systematically everything I hold dear or dream to have or be a part of is being taken away from me. Ministry, relationships, jobs, health, climbing.

A Waste of Suffering

2008-02-18T14:29:00.000-06:00

I just listened to a message from Mark Driscoll (Mars Hill - Seattle) on Suffering. He underscored that all suffereing is allowed by God (or else it wouldn't happen), not all suffering is caused by sin, and that suffering should not be "wasted".

Wasted???? As in not taken advantage of, as in thrown away without reaping the benefits, as in suffering might be a good thing???? Is he nuts? Well maybe, but I understood his point. The worth/benefit of the situation I find myself in, (whether as a result of my rebellious choices, or an external, uncontrollable set of circumstances) is completely determined by my response to it.

He stated that in suffering we can be drawn closer to God, that it is analogous to a nail. The harder you hit a nail, the deeper it is driven. We are called to be like nails, we do not enjoy the impact of the hammer, but we can be thankful that the hammer is driving us deeper. This is the "joy" response....not joy as in "happy, happy, joy, joy" but the kind of joy that says, "This hurts, but I am glad that God has not forsaken me. This is tough, but I am thankful that God is taking care of me even in the midst of it".

For me, I struggle with the "joy" response. How can I be happy that I made so many wrong choices that have now resulted in my being an addict? How can I even begin to say that I "suffer" as a christian....I am not Paul persecuted for preaching the gospel, I am not a martyr being tortured for not renouncing their faith in Christ...no my suffering is due to my own sinful willfulness run amock.

So how do I live so as to not "waste" my suffering? Do I let the hammer blows of life drive me deeper in? Or do I bend like a nail that refuses to be driven, now useless until it is pried up and straightened, only to be driven again. Cute pictures, but how do I live this in the real world? How do I remind myself 'in the moment' that this is an important choice to my sobriety, and whether or not I'm "wasting" my suffering?

Is Anybody Out There???

2008-02-05T09:01:00.000-06:00

I am finding that I am crippled, by loneliness...

It seems that even if I have a great time hanging out with someone, or a group, the fact of the matter is I go home alone. Ok, so I understand on a logical level that I am not alone. I have family and friends who care about me, I am part of a group of guys committed to dealing with the same issue of addiction, and yet I still feel lonely.

My loneliness seems to be tied to my feeling of not being accepted. And from what I read, the fantasy of sexual addiction is for that moment "I'm in relationship" with that fantasy person, they don't reject me, they are "present" with me when no one else is. Of course, it's all a lie...and eventually when the moment is over the loneliness comes back even stronger.

So I've been sober 9 days now, and it feels just as lonely as before. Except now I see myself yearning for people to contact me. Just send me an email, call me, 'need' something from me. And that exposes yet another sick twist to the addiction...relationaly I'm broken. I feel this need to be needed. And even when I do have seemingly normal interactions with friends...I am left wanting more. I can only liken it to sitting down at a big meal, eating the whole thing, physically you are full, but even before you push away from the table, you want more...more of what - you aren't sure, but you are left with this feeling that you are still 'hungry'.

The hope is that Christ has promised us satisfaction in Him. I am just looking in all the wrong places to fix my loneliness. That appears to be the story of the human race, so apparently i'm not alone in that! So how is it that I can find my satisfaction in Christ alone and not be crushed when my friends do not contact me at a rate sufficient to satiate my hunger?

7"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. 8For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.
9"Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? 10Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? 11If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! 12So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets. Matt 7:7-12 NIV

Messy

2008-01-29T10:44:00.000-06:00

This article said alot to me. It presents the thought "If a single person cleans out a closet and no one's around to woohoo it, does the accomplishment really count?" I have tried several times in the past month to get ahead of the curve on the cleaning. But alas I'm not making the headway I hoped for.

I was able to do my taxes, only because I need the money...but I don't clean "just for myself", I only clean because I dread what others think when they see me sitting amidst my pile of sheight. Then again its a strong metaphor for how I feel in dealing with my internal stuff too.

And I think the embarassment (read: shame & guilt) of inviting others to sit with me in my stinking pile of sheight, the whole rotting, putrid mess of it...it's too much. But if I don't...I'll die, alone, covered in sheight.

I'm left wondering, am I willing to to do the tough work of recovery just for me? Even if there is no future promise of someone walking into my apartment/life and tellign me what a great job I did.

If no one were to notice my recovery, would I still do it, just for myself?

Happy freakin New Year...

2008-01-02T13:07:00.000-06:00

Well it's 2008, and so far it's looking alot like 2007. I'm still doing the things I know I shouldn't, stuck in the fear of change and unable to surrender the very thing that is pulling me under.

A great deal of our lives – the people we want to become, the impact we want to make – is tied not simply to desire, but whether we will exercise disciplined ambition. Desire is simply longing, or wishing. Ambition has to do with such desire becoming focused on an objective, and thus resulting in someone driven toward a particular goal. Discipline has to do with a management of life which results in self-control, orderliness and efficiency. [source]

So, the road to Hell is paved with good intentions! It's not hard to see that I lack discipline, but even tho I cannot go out and buy a couple gallons of discipline. I'm not without hope. I need to take small, actionable, steps towards these goals, ideals, and good habits that I need in order to live a recovered life.

So with that in mind, I found a one-year bible-reading plan that I want to use in my morning quiet time, so that i don't have any excuses that I "didn't know what to read" nor am I just trying to find something that "speaks to me". Rather I follow the predetermined readings and let the Holy Spirit work thru that. (The online reading are in the NLT, of which I am not a big fan, so I just use the references and read in the NIV)

I have alot more action steps I need to take, but this one is pretty low-cost and ultimately can affect the foundations of my very life. So come rain, sleet, snow, hail, flood, famine, war, and or pestilence I pledge to read everyday....

Ok, ok pestilence was a little over the top ;) But you know what I mean.

Breakfast at Tiffany's...or just City Market

2007-10-31T09:51:00.000-05:00

So I did breakfast today with the old roomates from about 5 years ago.

It wasn't as bad as I expected it to be. I had some anxiety as to how it might all be.

Yes, everyone else is married, yes they all have kids, a kid on the way, or are in the process of adopting. Yes they all live in houses that they bought. They all are successfull at their jobs working firms, or large companies. So, I feel a little under-performing there. But none of them hold that against me, why do I feel the need to hold it against myself?

We mostly talked about what the others were up to, no one even asked me where I work, or if I was dating, or if I was still in ministry anywhere. (Which is prolly cause the world isn't all about me, I just forget that). We had some fun memories of stuff at the house, so all in all, it was good.

So I'm thankful for that, I really feel like I'd like to just forget the past. I can't, my past is what it is....and I cannot change it. What I have is today.

And thank God I'm still here for it!

# days sober = 5

Take heart

2007-10-16T10:13:00.000-05:00

I feel like my struggle lies under the surface, where too few know about it, and even fewer seem to be willing to stand knee-deep in the muck with me as I stumble thru this process...but to those trusted few, and fellow strugglers everywhere; take heart.

I found this quote by C.S Lewis:

But if you are a poor creature—poisoned by a wretched upbringing in some house full of vulgar jealousies and senseless quarrels—saddled, by no choice of your own, with some loathsome sexual perversion—nagged day in and day out by an inferiority complex that makes you snap at your best friends—do not despair. He knows all about it. You are one of the poor whom he blessed. He knows what a wretched machine you are trying to drive. Keep on. Do what you can. One day (perhaps in another world, but perhaps far sooner than that) he will fling it on the scrapheap and give you a new one. And then you may astonish us all—not least yourself: for you have learned your driving in a hard school. (Some of the last will be first and some of the first will be last.)

# days sober = 2

There's a skeleton in my closet!!!!!

2007-10-09T10:50:00.001-05:00

So I have had my 4th painful opportunity to drag the ugliest skeletons of my past out of the closet (that I never admitted existed) and show them off to a small group of people.

Not fun.

But completely necesary. There's an excerpt from the White Book that talks about "clear away the wreckage of your past, and join us", I knew it would come to this eventually. But I was really hoping to avoid it.

Ok. So it's out there. Now what? Good question. I think the next real step is to forgive myself. I've thrown this out there and felt the acceptance of others, God has made it clear that He loves me - just as I am, all that is left is to forgive myself. I have no idea why that is so hard...it just is right now. I know some people with pretty rough histories, and I think they are great people - I do not think about them with the same sort of judgemental intolerance that I seem to apply to myself.

# of days sober = 8

Whats wrong with the World...

2007-09-19T14:46:00.000-05:00

Right now I'm feeling pretty frustrated at work. Just regular situations that get me riled up, things that aren't handled the way that I think they should be. And I was thinking in my head, the program tells me "that whenever there is resentment or anger; it means that there is something wrong in me." Huh???? You mean when everyone around me is a bloomin' idiot...there is something wrong in me? When other peoples lack of planning constitutes an emergency on my part....there is something wrong with me?? When I get cut-off, crapped on, and jacked up....there is something wrong with me?????

That is a big pill to swallow. But they are right.

There have been stupid people for as long the caribou have roamed the tundra. And bad things will continue to happen, to good people...and me. The situations I will never have control over, but the one thing I am asked, by God, to do is "be self-controlled and alert". This is so hard, I don't want to believe that I am fundamentally (tho not permanently) flawed in the way that I respond to the world.

But I am. There is something wrong with me.

God, grant me the willingness to submit to Your care and healing in this and all areas of my life. Help me to act of love instead of react defensively. Show me how to give the same kind of grace to those around me that I expect to receive for myself. Help me to be humble in my failings, but not beaten down. Teach me to run to You when it hurts, instead of run away.

# days sober = 10

Desperately waiting for Connection

2007-09-17T14:37:00.000-05:00

So here I am trying to connect and feeling like I am missing it entirely. I make phone calls, go to peoples house to have dinners, have lunch meetings with people, and today I had lunch with a friend; even during that I wasn't sure that I was connecting.

I don't know how....but I feel like I am entirely missing the boat here. What am I missing? What am I doing wrong?

# of days sober = 8

Pop Quiz

2007-09-14T10:12:00.000-05:00

I found this "pop quiz" in an article on Crosswalk. I haven't even really had the chance to process how many of these I don't do...but given the last question...does my score really matter? It matters in the sense that I want to strive for a deeper, more abiding relationship with Christ that impacts my life and the lives around me in a positive way. But it can be a helpful benchmark to check myself against on a regular basis and ask, "Am I making progress towards these goals? If not, what can I do differently now that will make a difference?"

It's a tough quiz to pass, but I guess it's better to compare myself against reality than live a meager life clouded in fantasy.

Do I live like Christ is all that matters?
Do I put on mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience each day?
Do I make allowance for other’s faults?
Do I forgive those who offend me?
Do I understand how much I have been forgiven?
Do I let the peace of Christ rule my heart?
Am I always thankful?
Do I let the message of Christ fill my life?
Do I teach and counsel His wisdom to others consistently?
Do I sing to God with a thankful heart?
Is everything I do or say predicated on being a representative of the Lord Jesus?
Does Jesus still love me?

PS. The answer to #12 is definitive, absolute YES! (see here)

# days sober = 5

Job

2007-09-12T22:56:00.000-05:00

No sooner had I decided I really need to stay at my current job....then more stuff comes down about the limited space we are being allocated. Ugh.

But even if they give us too little space, I guess I need to stay long enough to get my temper under control and my program moved forward.

I have a meeting tomorrow where I really need to keep my emotions and my tongue in check. I need to pray about that.

# days sober = 3

S.A.D.

2007-09-11T09:55:00.001-05:00

SAD stands for Seasonal Affective Disorder, it is a seasonally induced depression related to lower levels of sunlight. If yesterday was any indication....this winter is gonna be rough! I have no idea why I was so bummed yesterday (versus any other day) but it wasn't good.

It was a long weekend, worked outside all day both days. That was enjoyable, but it really wore me out. I have yet to really move forward on my personal stuff since the big revelations of last week. I have a phone interview for a job this afternoon, not sure that I'm leaving my current job, but it's always nice to keep your options open.

I'm struggling with loneliness, but I can't be around people 24/7 because that is just a cover to not deal with my issues. At some point I am going to have to learn how to be "ok" with myself.

# of days sober = 2

Don't get me started

2007-09-06T09:48:00.000-05:00

Things at work are crazy, my apartment is still a mess, and I'm behind on more things than I am ahead....including sleep.

This really is not a fun spot to be in, but it is what it is. I can be thankful that I have a place to live, a job to work, and friends who care...the rest is outside of my control. And I'm still sober, I don't feel great, but that is to be expected at this stage.

I need to keep it simple and focus on the things I have some control over, the rest...meh.

I need to be thankful for today.

# days sober = 4

Music

2007-09-05T10:20:00.000-05:00

I had a very strange experience this morning, I was driving back from Madison and listening to music (no surprise there), but I have needed 3 songs to go with 3 DVD photo presentation I haev been commissioned to make of photos I took this summer.

I had been drawing a total blank for what songs to use....this morning all three played out in the space of 15 minutes. These are songs I know and have listened to (even recently), but somethign about today....I literally saw the pictures scrolling thru my head as the music played.

Free - Shawn McDonald
Into the Day - Bebo Norman
Peace be Still - Rush of Fools

I just need to see if I can get them to work in the DVD.....I got them all from I-Tunes, so I may need to find a DRM-free version...but that it the least of my worries. I am amazed at how the songs seemed to be 'given' to me at that moment.

Strange days....

# days sober = 3

Good Grief

2007-09-04T13:18:00.000-05:00

I didn't know there even was such a thing as good grief. But I think I'm experiencing it.

I had been holding some really painful stuff inside for a long time, and I finally let it out. That, unfortunately, is not the end of the situtation...it's really just the beginning. But one of the emotions I have started to experience is grief. Once the major fear and anxiety started to abate, the grief seems to be the primary emotion that I'm feeling. It really feels pretty similar to the feelings I had when I learned that my grandma had died.

In that moment, everything changes. What was, no longer is, and now a whole new reality is laid out before you. I can wish that it would go back to being like it was, but that won't happen. So now I need to operate under the new reality. I can't go back and change the past, I could hope that it is different...but it isn't, this is my reality. I've used lust and my addictive behaviours to run from reality for a long time.

So here I am, experienceing the raw emotions of life. It sometimes feels like a 600 pound gorilla is sitting on my chest, but that feeling will pass.

# days sober = 2

Flight 410 to Nineveh....boarding @ Gate 15

2007-09-03T21:49:00.000-05:00

Remember the ancient city of Nineveh? Crazy thing is...Nineveh still exists (this is a satellite image of it). God has asked a few people in the past to go to Nineveh, one notable fellow was named Jonah. God asked Jonah to go to Nineveh for Him. Jonah told God that he would go lots of places....just not Nineveh.

"No way! I am not going there! I will do lots of things, I've already plans to go to some other countries for You, I've given up stuff (sorta). I don't think I need to go to Nineveh. I'm sure we can work around this." Sure we can.....but it's gonna get mighty dark and fishy before it's all over.

I have spent countless hours in the past year trying to figure a road to Recovery that doesn't go thru Nineveh. I have looked at the guidebooks, I have consulted guidebooks, satellite photos, topographic maps, even Google Earth!!!! Apparently (for me) the only road from Here to There - goes straight thru Nineveh.

I know this sounds glib and even a bit tongue in cheek...but its not. Nineveh is dangerous, over the years I have gone to great lengths to avoid Nineveh. But now I have come to see there is no other way, the cost to avoid Nineveh is too great...I would have to abandon Recovery as a destination.

So I have booked a ticket, I'm just waiting on a final departure time. Nineveh is not the final destination, but it is definitely a necessary stop along the way.

And like Jonah, my fate is entirely in God's hand. It always was...I'm just getting around to agreeing with Him. I can't keep running. I have to face my fears in Nineveh, then we can move on. God, please keep me safe on the way thru Nineveh.

Does Walmart sell Empathy?

2007-08-24T10:31:00.000-05:00

So I spoke with my counselor last night.....

He thought the survey from work was great. He didn't think it was worded too badly either.

What?!??!!?!?!!???

Well...it goes like this. The questions on the survey (that I don’t' like) all deal with areas that I am admittedly deficient in. So my anger at the survey is based mostly in my reaction to the shame it causes me to feel. And the survey could possibly represent the first hint of real accountability in these areas (at work) for me. (It's okay to tell me what I "should" do; I'll even nod my head a lot in agreement, but don't make me do something about it)

And the thing I lack, the most, is empathy. At least for those poor souls who call the Helpdesk and get me. I do have empathy for alot of people in my life. And I have past examples where I have shown good empathy, but in this area, to these people....I apparently have none. So when the going gets tough, I'm stressed, calls are rolling in....I react like a caged lion to any perceived threat to my esteem. I think I'm over-worked, under-appreciated....isn't that the definition of a Nurse???(I'm not really overworked or under-appreciated) So I need to alter my expectations. They are Nurses and Doctors, or even Secretaries....but they know NOTHING about computers. I have to accept that they will call; unhappy, frustrated, and in dire need of a fix. Everyone who goes to the Emergency room believes they need service NOW, otherwise they wouldn't be there. I have to view the Helpdesk (especially phone calls) as the Emergency Room of computing and have empathy for everyone that comes thru the door.

So, it's Friday....here goes....oh wait I think I see Empathy in Aisle 7.

I'll let you know how it goes :)

Survey says!!

2007-08-24T10:30:00.000-05:00

A Survey was distributed on Wednesday afternoon, via mass email at work. Unlike an episode of Family Feud, this survey wasn't fun to see. It was from the CFO who is my Boss'es Boss. I have included the questions so you can get a feel for why I feel that things here are not very stable, adn why it irked me ALOT.

I can reach the IT dept when I need them.
When IT is not available, they get back to me in a timely fashion.
There is adequate back up and cross training among IT staff in order to provide me with an appropriate level of immediate service in emergency situations
I am satisfied with the speed of my computer when using the internet.
I am satisfied with the speed of my computer when using different applications (Word, Excel, Outlook , etc)
The IT dept has a "can do" attitude when it comes to solving problems.
During interactions with IT personnel, I am treated with respect.
The IT dept is approachable and interested in helping me as a fellow team member
I understand when to ask for a ticket to be opened for my IT issue.
The IT dept actively listens to my issues and understands the implications of the problem from my perspective.
The IT dept gets me answers on a timely basis
The answers provided to my questions are accurate and fix the problem.
The IT department provides instructions to me that are easy to understand.
The IT dept is good at getting back to me with updates and deadlines on projects that are longer in duration.
Overall, I am satisfied with the service provided by the IT dept.

Each of the questions is answered with a
Strongly Agree, Agree, Neutral, Disagree, Strongly Disagree.

Each section have a Feedback/Comments field at the end of it. Labeled "How can we improve in this area?"

So I'm not sure if this was a misguided attempt to try to get us more staff, or just a way to take potshots at the IT department.

Check your priorities at the door, please...

2007-05-17T15:32:00.000-05:00

I recently found this list of questions on Crosswalk. I didn't copy the exact link, sorry.

We are often asked to "check" our ego's at the door, meaning don't bring them into the situation or meeting to adversely affect the procedings. But I think the act of "checking my priorities" at the door is a practice I need to adopt. In this case, my priorities in life are supposed to follow me thru whatever 'door' I'm going thru. But in passing the door, it seems a logical time to assess why am I here? How does where I'm at today line up with my stated priorities? How does whatever I'm planning help or hinder my pursuit of these priorities.

Ask yourself these questions to check your priorities:
“What is my mission in life?”,
“Why do I do this kind of work?”,
“Where is my focus these days?”,
“What are my long-term goals?”,
“What are the important things in life to me?”,
“Who are the three people to whom I am closest?”,
“Are my relationships characterized more by giving or by getting?”,
“Are my relationships characterized by love?”,
“Who would I like to get to know better in the next six months?”,
“To whom am I accountable?”,
“Do I set aside a regular time and place for reflection?”,
“What does quietness look like in my life?”, “
What is the most common roadblock that keeps me from a regular time of quietness?”,
“How might keeping a journal help me to achieve more balance?” and
“What qualities would I most like to possess?”.

It seems like a pretty heady list, but I think the answers could prove very informative. Now I just need to take the time to honestly answer the questions...maybe share them with someone? (or vice versa)

Don't Worry, Be Happy

2007-05-11T12:36:00.000-05:00

I came across an article on Crosswalk.com entitled "Anxiety is a Thief". I found this particular quote in it that I really liked.

In an article titled “Getting to the Heart of Your Worry” published in the
Journal of Biblical Counseling, Robert Jones writes: “Your worry is a sign that
in some way you are trusting in yourself, that you are building your life on
things or people other than Jesus. Your anxiety is an automatic indicator of a
heart that is not fully following the Lord but is temporarily following something
else. . . . To worry is to deny—in practical ways—God’s power, wisdom, and love
for you in your situation. To worry is to forget the full implications of your
identity as one of God’s chosen, adopted, and deeply loved children.”

I really struggle with worry, I worry about everything. Anyone who knows me, knows this. This robs me of my ability to just accpet and enjoy life as it comes, I also see how this is related to an incomplete and/or inaccurate view of God and his omniscience. I also see how this retards my growth into new areas of my life, or even physically overcoming fears while I am climbing.

Seeing God as my loving Father who cares enough to supply ALL my needs, and developing that trust in the idea that He is goign to fulfill that promise...that I think is the antidote for my worry. And the realiztion that even if I die climbing...at least I'll have a good story to tell for the first hundred years or so!!!!

Secondhand Sex

2007-05-03T13:58:00.000-05:00

"We have what I call secondhand sex -- it's all over in the media and it's so ubiquitous, it's everywhere, we don't even notice it," Luce said. "It's like when you go into a dark room and your eyes can't see but then they adjust. Well, we've gotten used to the dark. We think it's normal like this. -Ron Luce
(as quoted by Nightline)

I was struck by this quote, even though I've known the concept for a long time. For me it's not just media, it's everywhere. My lust-radar is always looking for that next bit of lust-able material; visual, mental, verbal, tactile, olfactory. Doesn't matter, my lust will bend it to serve it's own purposes - given half the chance. But knowing this I have to recognize that when I'm out and about in the world, that I am not in a 'safe' place and I could be confronted with things at any moment in time that challenge my sobriety.

I need to be cognizent of the messages that the world is trying to sell me, and I need to have my responses memorized and ready to challenge them as they come into my brain.

So I might not be having sex - firsthand...but how many times do I permit myself to have 'second-hand sex'?

30 Days

2007-04-25T09:44:00.000-05:00

Well, today is my 30th day of sobriety. I have been working program and recovery related items for the past year (I can't beleive it's a year). And today is the first time I have had 30 continuous days of sobriety in a row. This is only possible thru the power and grace of God. Notwithstanding all the people and resources He has placed in my life to facilitate this process.

I really expected to wake up today and hear the birds singing, the sun would be shining, doves would fly off my balcony...in truth, it's raining, I got woke up early by work related issues, and today looks like it will just like any other day.

And there's no magic in the 30th day where suddenly I don't feel tempted to Lust, or that the people, places, and things I have lusted over in the past no longer have a hold on me. But that is reality, and reality is never as good as fantasy...just a whole lot more sustainable.

So, I'm not unhappy with my 30th day of Sobriety. I'm just coming to see the reality of it. I might have wished for more...but this is what it is. Thank God that He has brought me this far, and I need to trust that He has plans to bring me much, much farther.

Thank you to those of you who have been faithfully sharing this journey with me.

Resurrection...The Day After

2007-04-09T10:13:00.000-05:00

It occurred to me today that while I call myself a Christian, and I speak of the resurrection of Jesus as a settled fact within the framework of my beliefs...do I live differently today because of that?

For the most part; yes...but no. Do I do life in such a way that people are drawn to Christ? I can speak about Christ, but how many people come up to me and say you have qualities and aspects about your life that I want to have, what's your secret?

The answer? No one. At least not anyone in my "regular" life. I realize that I live a very meager existence as a Christian. I live on the fringes of joy, clinging desperately to little shreds of hope. Instead of living confident in the completed work of Christ on the cross.

This is not all bad, in the sense that no one lives the "life" perfectly. And that I have years to grow and learn more about Christ and how to relate to him in an ever deepening and more personal way. But I also have to realize the part that past sins (and some current ones) play in undermining the hope and confidence that God desires for His children to have.

So what do I do with this knowledge? I need to find concrete ways to put it in practice. How I respond to people at work is the only way that they know me...and my brusque responses are not winning me any popularity contests. I have look at how I view my current struggles, and I am defeated and forlorn, or should I seek to be more encouraged by God's persistence with me.

I was reminded this weekend that my internal beliefs have little value unless they become external attitudes and actions that bring honor and glory to Christ's name. I saw a commercial that indicated "....apparently execution does account for something". Also in James, it talks about faith without deeds being dead, so action (for me) is the working out of what I know into the realm of what I do.

But I need to be really careful, lest what I do become a smoke-screen for what I don't know.

Anger

2007-04-05T15:03:00.000-05:00

Wow, I am feeling pretty bummed right now.

I am frustrated over a laptop thing at work, I am really mad about a stupid copier my boss agreed to install to pacify a user. We make decisions around here for all the wrong reasons.

I am mad about all the things I can't control. I am mad about the mess both figurativily and physically I find myself sitting in the middle of.

I am mad when I wake up, I am mad when I goto bed. I am mad that I feel this way. I hate my job today, I hate the fact that I need it more than they need me.

I am mad that back still hurts, I am frustrated at my lack of consistency to implement the exercises that might make a difference. I hate where I'm at, but I fail to move to be someplace else.

I want someone to take care of me, then I resent the idea that I am so helpless as to be unable take care of myself.

Let's face it, I'm just mad...and that is just maddening.

Shame on me

2007-02-02T16:12:00.000-06:00

I try to surrender, I try to change, but I'm still stuck with these feelings about who I am. I have asked forgiviness for the things I've done, but how am I forgiven for what I am?

I think the problem is my definition of who I am. But I have been asked to look into this idea of what is shame, so as to facilitate my relegation of the inordinate amounts of shame in my life to their proper place.

"Guilt says I've done something wrong; shame says there is something wrong with me. Guilt says I've made a mistake; shame says I am a mistake. Guilt says what did was not good; shame says I am no good." Bradshaw (1988).
With guilt, the response is a desire for atonement, to make amends, to correct a mistake, or heal a hurt.
With shame, there is just painful feelings of depression, alienation, self-doubt, loneliness, isolation, paranoia, compulsive disorders, perfectionism, inferiority, inadequacy, failure, helplessness, hopelessness, narcissism. "Shame is a sickness of the soul. It is the most poignant experience of the self by the self, whether felt in humiliation or cowardice, or in a sense of failure to cope successfully with a challenge. Shame is a wound felt from the inside, dividing us both from ourselves and from one another." Kaufman (1996).

http://www.noogenesis.com/malama/guilt.html

I ran into this quote from a web article, it is something I need to ponder more. But it's something I need to ask God about. I seem to have several items that occur to me throughout the week that make me think, "Hmm, I have to remember to ask my counselor about that thought or feeling later" but yet I fail to have even a couple occurances of thinking, "Hmm, I really need to ask God what he thinks of that and what He might have me to do about it."

So, note to self; ask God about shame thing

Articles of Surrender

2007-01-17T13:18:00.000-06:00

In firm understanding of my condition and having exhausted all other avenues and resources at my disposal, do agree to a total surrender to the High King of Heaven. This surrender contains specific provisions that the King has promised. He has paid for all past and future rebellious acts thru the willing sacrifice of His Son. He has agreed, upon my death, to take me to His home and accept me as an heir to the Kingdom. He has promised never to leave or forsake me, regardless of the quality my adherence to the terms of this surrender.

This unconditional surrender includes all of me, my heart, my life, my soul. Having previously pledged my life to Jesus, the Son of the High King; the remaining portions of my life, that I have tried unsuccessfully to manage myself, are now to be turned over to the control and care of the King.

All of my property, material possessions, associations, friendships, and future holdings are subject to the rule and control of the King. Control over the direction and pace of my life forthwith are to be carried out in consultation with the High Counselor (Holy Spirit) and the duly appointed representatives of the Kingdom placed in my life for support, counseling, guidance, oversight, and encouragement.

This surrender is a conscious act of my will; I understand that I will need to renew my pledge to surrender on a continual basis. I will also need to examine the hidden areas and motivations of my person in order to surrender those areas as well. Additional areas and motivations are to be surrendered as they are revealed.

As a public token of this agreement; a ring inscribed with the word surrender is to be worn on the right hand. This ring is to be a constant reminder of my position as a surrendered soul, and the price that was paid to obtain my surrender.

Surrender

2007-01-07T20:05:00.000-06:00

Surrender. Not retreat, not "give up",
Unconditional surrender.

In war, you wonder about the character
of the one you are surrendering to.
Here, His character is evident.

Surrender. Not to being held captive,
He'll set me free

Surrender. Not to be forced out of my home,
but to move into the place He lives in

Surrender. Not to lose everything,
but to gain what is eternally important.

I surrender.

What am I worth?

2006-09-14T17:21:00.000-05:00

I had a conversation with a friend and one of the elements he heard in what I was saying was about my worth. Am I worth anything? What makes me worth something? He said that I need to confront the negative messages I hear inside with the fact that I have worth.

The Bible tells us we have worth, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. He died before we had a relationship with Him, so even that is not a measure of my worth. My worth is not even tied to my sobriety, I have the same worth sober or drunk....this is not to say that being sober doesn't matter, but it does not affect the reality of my worth. I have worth inherent in me irregardless of, unconnected to, or in spite of my thoughts, actions, deeds, mis-deeds, failures, successes, friends, relationship with Christ or any lack thereof. I have worth just because I was created by God.

So here goes...I have worth.

For additional insights, I found this article.

Depressed?

2006-09-13T11:11:00.000-05:00

I have been feeling blue, actually I've been struggling with depression for years at some level. I ran into a reading from My Utmost for His Highest(feb7) where Chambers states that "If I am depressed or burdened, I am to blame, not God or anyone else. Dejection stems from one of two sources— I have either satisfied a lust or I have not had it satisfied." That is bascially the story of my life! He also pointed out a key fact about prayer, "Whenever we insist that God should give us an answer to prayer we are off track. The purpose of prayer is that we get ahold of God, not of the answer."

"We look for visions from heaven and for earth-shaking events to see God’s power. Even the fact that we are dejected is proof that we do this. Yet we never realize that all the time God is at work in our everyday events and in the people around us. If we will only obey, and do the task that He has placed closest to us, we will see Him." I really see this at work in my life, I want a miracle...but find it a bother to do the daily mundane tasks that are close at hand, forgetting that its not all about the destination, the joy is in the journey.

This does not suddenly mean I will no longer be depressed, but it does show me that God is not to blame for my depression. My desires for things other than God or even the things of God (but I want them now) are to blame.

So the fix? Todays' Utmost for His Highest(sept13) is all about surrender. It isn't until I surrender my will and die to my own selfish desires that the warring within will cease and I will find peace and freedom in Him.

Everybody wants to goto Heaven...but nobody wants to die.

2006-09-06T13:24:00.000-05:00

Everybody wants to goto Heaven...but nobody wants to die.

That is a line from a David Crowder song that has been playing in my car for a while. And it really struck me, of course I want to goto Heaven, of course I want to follow Jesus, of course I want to live a christina life, and of course I want to be free from this addiction that threatens to overwhelm me at nearly every turn.

But do I? Am I willing to die? Am I willing to leave everything I know and say "Lord, your will, not mine."

Truth = I don't think so. I haev to look at how I really live my life and say "No, I'm not willing to die" I would hope that I was somewhat closer to that point, but I'm not there yet.

So where does that leave me? Outside of Heaven, cursing the day I thought that this might be for me? No, not if I beleive what the Bible says. But I do have a long way to go in laying down my pride and being humble enough to die. To myself, to my desires, temptations, and wild ideas of how to make it on my own. I need to decrease so that He may increase.

&%$#$@#

2006-09-04T20:50:00.000-05:00

I don't know what to write, my mind is in such a jumble. I'm angry, hurt, mad, sad, defensive, offended, depressed, lonely, gggrrhrhhhaaawwhhhgggrhh.

I don't know if it because I have been confronted by a truth I'm not ready to accept or because of the way it was delivered, I'm just not sure.

But I know one thing, my little world has been rocked yet again and I'm in for a long, painful night. Will the shelling ever stop?

Lord help me to turn to You in all of this.

Media Fast

2006-08-30T09:41:00.000-05:00

So today is an okay day, but I think I must've not paid my DISH bill recently because I think I have alot less channels available to me this morning!!! Like I only have the NASA education channel and one home shopping thing. Which made me think, hmmm, I'm not doing well at keeping up on my bills very well, but secondly...what if I don't NEED t.v.? I mean actually don't need t.v. That is a big step for me....t.v. is like my other roomate, it's just noise, but occasionally fun to have around. I always have the t.v. on, when I'm on the computer the t.v. is on, when i'm eating it's in front of the t.v., if I'm in the other room doing dishes...yep the t.v. is on. Thats a whole lot of t.v. and not a whole lot of quiet. I think it's the quiet that scares me. I am so afraid of being alone with myself, I'm not entirely sure why...I guess I'm afraid of actually having to 'feel' lonely. I know I am but if I'm distracted enough maybe I don't have to feel it.

So I'm considering a t.v. fast. I'm not sure for how long maybe 30 days, nor am I sure it needs to be a total blackout...just the fact that I don't have service to my house is good. I need to see how long I can keep my equipment and still restart service later. Someone out there is saying, "why not just not have cable anymore?". Those people must not live alone in Wisconsin in the winter! But if I can do this for some time to focus on the issues at hand and commit more time to reading instead of just being zoned out on the couch. I'll still have music, and I still have Internet so I can communicate with people and such.

So I'd appreciate your prayer regarding this, it seems like a small thing but I sorta think that it is just the start of peeling away the protective layers of noise and activity that I have tried to cover myself with.

The Mansion

2006-07-18T09:51:00.000-05:00

I need to work on my personal time with God, it's almost like having a rich benefactor...I am willing to go and ask for help (I'm desperate) but I feel too ashamed to stay for dinner. He is willing to help me with the immediate needs but He laid out a place for me at the table, He wants to talk, there is a room upstairs prepared for me, I can stay. But I feel too ashamed, it's too nice, I feel too dirty in His presense to stay very long. So I leave and trudge along the cold lane, while He stands at the door and watches me, knowing He could help, knowing He has so much more to offer, and knowing He will not force me to stay.

When will I realize that I was born for this house? When will I learn that it's where I belong, not because of what I bring, but because I'm related to Him.

So I need to get back to that point were I'm comfortable just being in His presence, not ashamed, just understanding that He desires to do more than just meet my needs...He desires to be in relationship with me. Salvation is only the start of the relationship, grace makes the relationship possible, but if salvation and grace are the only two elements...then I'm really missing the best parts.