Feeling like I don't belong

So I goto 'group therapy' sessions, and I am always feelign liek the odd man out. Mostly due to the fact that I'm the only one losing my sobriety between the last session and the current one. Everyone else there has like 6 mo or more. So I was making noises and taking steps towards pulling myself out of those sessions. I feel like "group" work is like Level 2 stuff, level 1 being basic sobriety, meeting's, phone calls. Staying sober. And I'm not doing Level 1 consistently, or even inconsistently.

But maybe I'm trying to pull myself out not as a way to help myself, but moreso to remove myself from the spot that makes me feel guilt and shame over my actions. I wanted to stop going as a way to re-focus on Level 1 stuff and start seeing the Pope one on one more. maybe I just have to admit that I'm not doing what I should and instead of running away I should be running into...into not only group session every other week, but commit to one on one sessions with the Pope on the opposite weeks.

I have no idea how I'll be able to fit that into the schedule with PT, and the exercise stuff I need to do to rehab my back. But I guess that is why it is a God-thing, not a Brett-thing

So what am I supposed to talk about?

I hear alot of newcomers to the program ask, "Ok I know I'm supposed to make phone calls....but what am I supposed to say?" I found this excerpt on the web and I thought it really answered that question, but it also points to the things I'm supposed to be still saying in my personal calls, along with a daily Renewal, I need to be asking these questions...and answering them...to a person, to my journal/blog, and to my Higher Power.

Describe any lust temptations you’ve had in the past 24 hours,
and how you’ve dealt with them.
Tell me about any “noise” in your head or heart, as well as anything that you need to bring into the light from the past 24 hours.
Do you anticipate anything coming up in the next 24 hours that could be a threat to your recovery?
Tell me about the time spent with your Higher Power, your Step Work, and any other victories you’ve had in the past 24 hours.

That is at least a starter list for what I should be trying to talk about in a phone call. Now the key is picking up the phone!!!!!

Renewal Pledge

Are you willing to admit you are powerless over lust?
Do you desire sobriety and freedom from the actions and obsessions of lust, as well as further recovery, for the next 24 hours?
Are you willing to do whatever is necessary to protect this sobriety, including being rigorously honest?

Pouring your heart out to God? Calling on Others?
Forgiving all resentments? Surrendering all lust hits as toxic?
Reading literature? Going to meetings?
Setting and maintaining boundaries?
Promoting an attitude of gratitude?
Refraining from negative thinking?
Putting goals before busy-ness?

Are you willing to do whatever is necessary to continue in recovery - including working the steps for at least 15 minutes (up to several hours if necessary) in the next 24 hours?
Do you realize this renewal does not keep us sober - God does - however, it does help us to be aware of ourselves and accountable to others?
Do you realize this renewal is just for today, and yesterday's step work will not keep you sober today?

Are you willing with me now to turn your will and life over to the care of God, the one who kept us sober yesterday and protected us from the full consequences of our lust and negative attitudes in the past?

Anywhere but here.

Today I sat outside and ate lunch (greasy McD's burger, horrible I know), while I ate I listened to music on my Ipod. I was sitting on a metal picnic table, on the top level of our 2 story parking garage for work...and the ache in my heart was almost enough to make me cry. I wanted to be anywhere but here.

Here. Where I feel lonely (still) too much of the time. Here. Where I rarely enjoy my day at work, nor do I give my employer the kind of day they prolly enjoy paying me for. Here. Where I am rarely sober for more than a week. Here. Where I am not fully moved in yet, and def not settled. Here. Where I can't even plan a camping trip because I can't walk that far, lift that much, or handle much in the way of elevation gain. Ugh, I hold back the tears as I attempt to type this. My life is not that bad...why do I dislike it so?

The answer is fairly obvious...because I'm not sober, because I'm not connected to the One Source that can bring balance to all this that is here. So that answer is get close to Him, I just feel like I don't know how to do that anymore. That's not true, I prolly know how to do it, I just don't because it involves obedience, patience, living within my means, and stepping out of my fantasy world and living each moment grounded in reality.

It's prolly related, and it's prolly an escape...but I really want to go camping. I just want to be out there, somewhere...prolly because it's anywhere but here.

Preachin to the Choir

I read this article on Crosswalk.com about how, in many christian churches, it's ok to hate gays. But really we are to see people who struggle with all forms of sexual sin as people who struggle with sin, not the sin they struggle with.

Even tho many things repluse us, how repulsive is the stench of our sin stained hands when we lift them up in praise, all the while hiding judgement and animosity in our hearts. Of which I am completely guilty.

I struggle to see myself as a person and not the tally of good and bad that I have done this week. There's a song out called "My Jesus" that really speaks to a much grittier, more common Jesus who reached into the lives of the hurting in the midst of the sin and pain to show them love.

When God makes you cookies

I was having a discussion with some guys, and the topic of affirmation came up. Where do we desire to get our affirmation from? And is that who we are supposed to get it from? In recovery we learn that we are supposed to get our affirmation internally and from our Higher Power. But how does one get affirmation from God? Cloud shapes that spell "Atta Boy!!!"? Talking donkeys? Actually I think I learned how to recognize God-originated affirmation from my Mother.

Mom made chocolate chip cookies, they would be just coming out of the oven when I got home from school. At that time, my Mom and I did not have deep conversations...but what I can see now in those cookies was written, "I love you, I made you cookies."

So today, how do I see the affirmations of an invisible God? In each and every moment that I feel His presence, or a special situation comes up and I am blessed, or a comfort is delivered to me in some un-expected, un-explainable way.

That is God saying, "I love you, I made you cookies."

What do I run to?

Well, I've been struggling pretty hard with life lately. And I have been seeing all of my addcitive tendencies come out in full force to meet the challenge.

I've been under stress at work (who isn't), an uncle of mine died last week, I have a lot of pain in my back, and I'm trying to find a place to live for May 1st. Many people have much harder things to deal with, but that is my plate...and for me - it's a full one.

How am I dealing with it, well; i'm eating constantly(junk food, soda, snacks, fried anythings), I'm irritable and crass, and my lust response is at full throttle. Oh and did I fail to mention that I stopped taking my anti-depressants a while ago? Yeah I guess I thought I didn't need them or was too depressed to take them...whatever. So I made the situation I am in.

But I realize that I treat my needs like a shopping list. Even tho SUPER-Walmart exists...I will get one thing from this store and a few things over there, and then this one thing only from this one store. But if I was a Faithful Wal-mart shopper, I would say to myself, "Self, if'n Wal-mart don't got it, then it must not be somethin' yer really needin." And I realize it's not the best analogy, but truly we are blessed with a great God who promises that he will supply all of my needs.

So when I need something....where do I go? Lately, and in the past, I go to different places to get different things, Super Wal-mart (God) being just one of them. But God wants to be my one and only stop - for everything.

Hopefully this will save on gas....