So I want to write some form of whitty, yet slighty bitter, semi-sarcastic entry on how and why I find myself sitting in Wisconsin - when by all of my best plans, and self-possesed will, I'm supposed to be sitting on a rock 12,500 ft up Long's Peak. I should be setting up a tent in the Boulderfield in about 2 hours, but in 2 hours I'll be punching out of work. Headed for a meeting with my sponsor, then yet another group meeting. The weather here in WI today is 67 and partly cloudy, it feels like I could be sitting on a Lake in the Boundary Waters, or setting up a tent somewhere.....anywhere...but I'm not. I know this sounds bitter and a bit hopeless, good - at least it reflects what I'm feeling.
Just yesterday I was thinking "wow, I had an alright weekend". Now, I couldn't give a rats-a$$ about the weekend. All I can see is all the things I cannot do because of my back or my addiction. And it sucks, but apparently it doesn't suck so bad that I actually want to DO something about it. It's easier to write a blog about things than it is to make those daily decisions to move toward health and sobriety so that I am not limited in what I can do. And maybe then I won't care so much abotu fulfilling MY dreams, as I will care about finding out what His Will for me is.
But right now, I feel like crap. The truth of it is, that I am not crap, I have friends and family who love me. I recently found a church that was pretty darn welcoming, and I will end up "outside" again. So the trapped, helpless, hopeless feelings...are just that...feelings, they are not the truth, certainly not "the whole truth and nothing but the truth".
So would me standing on the summit tomorrow have had any bearing on my addiction and struggles with same-sex attraction? Doubtful, I'd just have all those same struggles and be breathing alot less percentage of oxygen while I was standing there. Do I really beleive that climbing up 14,000 ft would somehow get me close enough to God so that He'd finally hear me? Cause obviously thats the problem - He can't hear me, cause if He could - He would have resuced me already. He would have come down and made all these nasty thoughts go away, and I would suddenly only want to do the "right thing"....unfortunately, or rather thankfully - God is not Prince Charming and knows far too well that to rescue me is to leave me bent and ill-formed. No, only on the long hike home can the scars and wreckage of my prior years be stretched and straightened into a form more human-like, less hunched. Much like the parable of the man with the shriveled hand, everytime he reached out to do anything - his deformity was painfully obvious...yet Jesus healed him in such a way as to completely overcome the deformity.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Tuesday, July 08, 2008
Crash and Burn II
Ok, so I just finished with Pope.
The short answer:
"Yes, it will feel awful. Go to more meetings...."
Strangely enough I'm ok with that. There is alot more "fluff" as Russ called it that we did talk about, I do think I have a better idea of why we are going here, and what exactly here looks like. I'll def be writing more about it so as to solidify the thoughts around it.
"Loneliness does not equal Death"
"You decide if it is going to be death-loneliness or opportunity-loneliness"
I need to evaluate and share how I'm feeling, but if I were to write it down I would need 2 columns; one for "what am I feeling" and one for "what is the truth".
I need to use my support to help navigate the middle ground in between black and white....I'm far too all or nothing in my thinking.
So that's what I'm able to throw out there for right now.
The short answer:
"Yes, it will feel awful. Go to more meetings...."
Strangely enough I'm ok with that. There is alot more "fluff" as Russ called it that we did talk about, I do think I have a better idea of why we are going here, and what exactly here looks like. I'll def be writing more about it so as to solidify the thoughts around it.
"Loneliness does not equal Death"
"You decide if it is going to be death-loneliness or opportunity-loneliness"
I need to evaluate and share how I'm feeling, but if I were to write it down I would need 2 columns; one for "what am I feeling" and one for "what is the truth".
I need to use my support to help navigate the middle ground in between black and white....I'm far too all or nothing in my thinking.
So that's what I'm able to throw out there for right now.
Crash and Burn
So this last weekend was a bust as far as attending 30 meetings in 30 days. I have been struggling so hard with this idea. Is it because I cannot let go that I do not pour myself into recovery work, or is it because until a month after my surgery climbing had no real presence in my schedule of events for the previous 6 to 8 months due to my back?
How do I balance participation in ANY aspect of life and still work on recovery? How do I not indentify with anything? Is that even possible? Is it that I don't value recovery as "real life" or the image of what life would look like (work, alone, go home, alone, weeknights, alone, weekends, alone....) too scary to comtemplate? Is it the fantasy of the future trip that keeps me alive? I don't beleive I thought that before....but take it away and I fall apart, what is that? A year ago, I had 83 days of sobriety, and I was climbing....so what is different about the past year where I have been physically sidelined from climbing - yet unable to maintain sobriety of any appreciable number of days.
Is it that I am terrified to be alone with myself? Is the answer to that to be forced to stare into the face of that which terrifies you and not turn away?
Climbing is a source of community, it is a context with which to interact with friends, it is an outlet that encourages physical development in order to better enjoy the activity, it provides an opportuinty to take trips that offer a break from the grind of work (and of life).
I've been accused of living in the pity party mode regarding this. I don't think (at least I dont' beleive that I think) that climbign is the answer to my sobriety...I don't think that more climbing, or climbing at some perfert level would render me suddenly sober, but nor do I beleive that my focus and energies are so consumed by climbing that it is the sole reason I don't do my homework, spend more time in prayer, journaling, meetings, or anythign else recovery related.
What am I doing when I wasn't at a meeting....tv. sitting at home, anything else...so is what I'm doing instead of recovery, or is the fact that I appear willing to sit and do NOTHING rather than work on my recovery?
What is this paralysis of the soul? Depression? Or lack of will? Lack of moral fibre? Simply resistance to doign what is right? Do all these questions imply a complete lack of surrender, or a desire to work this out?
I don't know....I see the counselor in a couple hours...we'll see what he thinks of all my questions.
How do I balance participation in ANY aspect of life and still work on recovery? How do I not indentify with anything? Is that even possible? Is it that I don't value recovery as "real life" or the image of what life would look like (work, alone, go home, alone, weeknights, alone, weekends, alone....) too scary to comtemplate? Is it the fantasy of the future trip that keeps me alive? I don't beleive I thought that before....but take it away and I fall apart, what is that? A year ago, I had 83 days of sobriety, and I was climbing....so what is different about the past year where I have been physically sidelined from climbing - yet unable to maintain sobriety of any appreciable number of days.
Is it that I am terrified to be alone with myself? Is the answer to that to be forced to stare into the face of that which terrifies you and not turn away?
Climbing is a source of community, it is a context with which to interact with friends, it is an outlet that encourages physical development in order to better enjoy the activity, it provides an opportuinty to take trips that offer a break from the grind of work (and of life).
I've been accused of living in the pity party mode regarding this. I don't think (at least I dont' beleive that I think) that climbign is the answer to my sobriety...I don't think that more climbing, or climbing at some perfert level would render me suddenly sober, but nor do I beleive that my focus and energies are so consumed by climbing that it is the sole reason I don't do my homework, spend more time in prayer, journaling, meetings, or anythign else recovery related.
What am I doing when I wasn't at a meeting....tv. sitting at home, anything else...so is what I'm doing instead of recovery, or is the fact that I appear willing to sit and do NOTHING rather than work on my recovery?
What is this paralysis of the soul? Depression? Or lack of will? Lack of moral fibre? Simply resistance to doign what is right? Do all these questions imply a complete lack of surrender, or a desire to work this out?
I don't know....I see the counselor in a couple hours...we'll see what he thinks of all my questions.
Monday, June 30, 2008
1 down, 29 to go
So I've been advised to attend 30 Meetings in 30 days. So that means I goto a meeting every day....well their are not SA meetings everyday of the week that I can make. So I have to fill in with some AA meetings too.
This is tied to my having to give up climbing and finding my identity in climbing. This is going to be hard. I'm not sure what it's gonna look like. And I am scared that I won't really be committed but just going thru the motions.
Do I really want to be sober, at all costs? Am I willing to give up those activities and associations I hold most dear to gain sobriety? Can I live life in such a way as to protect that sobriety in the midst of lust-crazed world? I don't know, but I do know that God can - if I am willing.
This is tied to my having to give up climbing and finding my identity in climbing. This is going to be hard. I'm not sure what it's gonna look like. And I am scared that I won't really be committed but just going thru the motions.
Do I really want to be sober, at all costs? Am I willing to give up those activities and associations I hold most dear to gain sobriety? Can I live life in such a way as to protect that sobriety in the midst of lust-crazed world? I don't know, but I do know that God can - if I am willing.
1 day sober
Monday, June 23, 2008
Give up Climbing....
So today I went to see the counselor, I have not had an official one on one with him since Nov 15th. And today he dropped a bombshell.
"I think you should give up climbing" (he also said something about 30 meetings in 30 days, but I was still stuck back on the give up climbing part)
No climbing, no trips, no hanging out...just recovery. Why does that sound like such a pitiful life? I have been crying most of the night so far, fearing that I am being asked to give up the one thing that has brought me a measure of joy over the past few years. But is that joy a mere pitance compared to joy that God wants to bestow on life fully centered on him? A life that may yet involve climbing, but climbing in balance with the other areas and elements of my life.
Do I hang on to the life I know or do I let go and trust the Program to catch me? I'm so afraid, afraid to try, afraid to fail, afraid that all I will end up is alone, and still an addict. To say no to this....is to thwart every good thing that God is trying to do in my life...of that I am almost convinced. Yet I am remain terrified of the prospect.
Oh that my cowardly heart would suffer an untimely demise that a much more courageous one would take it's place.
"I think you should give up climbing" (he also said something about 30 meetings in 30 days, but I was still stuck back on the give up climbing part)
No climbing, no trips, no hanging out...just recovery. Why does that sound like such a pitiful life? I have been crying most of the night so far, fearing that I am being asked to give up the one thing that has brought me a measure of joy over the past few years. But is that joy a mere pitance compared to joy that God wants to bestow on life fully centered on him? A life that may yet involve climbing, but climbing in balance with the other areas and elements of my life.
Do I hang on to the life I know or do I let go and trust the Program to catch me? I'm so afraid, afraid to try, afraid to fail, afraid that all I will end up is alone, and still an addict. To say no to this....is to thwart every good thing that God is trying to do in my life...of that I am almost convinced. Yet I am remain terrified of the prospect.
Oh that my cowardly heart would suffer an untimely demise that a much more courageous one would take it's place.
Monday, June 16, 2008
Houston, we have a problem....
Ok, so more than one, but it hit me today while sitting in an SA meeting that I have a problem relating with people who don't need me. There is nothing I have or can do that they don't have or cannot do for themselves, hence they don't need me.
And for some reason that makes it harder for me to connect with them. I have built a life around being helpful, giving advice, or passing on some skill...and I feel good when I do those things. Maybe even feel like it gives me a purpose. And when I don't feel needed; I feel lonely, old, and basically have a pity-party for myself.
But thsi idea of being needed also implies an in-equity in the relationship, and that without something to give (or get) there is little obvious reason for a relationship. I think this speaks alot to my co-dependant tendencies. And I'm only scratching the surface.
I have relationships that may have started in the needed phase (or a perceived need or teaching opportunity) and have progressed out of that. But I still find myself, in those relationships, hovering a little too much, maybe offering more advice than is really needed or wanted. I wonder how much damage am I doing to the friendship by being that way, and how the heck do I not be that way?
And for some reason that makes it harder for me to connect with them. I have built a life around being helpful, giving advice, or passing on some skill...and I feel good when I do those things. Maybe even feel like it gives me a purpose. And when I don't feel needed; I feel lonely, old, and basically have a pity-party for myself.
But thsi idea of being needed also implies an in-equity in the relationship, and that without something to give (or get) there is little obvious reason for a relationship. I think this speaks alot to my co-dependant tendencies. And I'm only scratching the surface.
I have relationships that may have started in the needed phase (or a perceived need or teaching opportunity) and have progressed out of that. But I still find myself, in those relationships, hovering a little too much, maybe offering more advice than is really needed or wanted. I wonder how much damage am I doing to the friendship by being that way, and how the heck do I not be that way?
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
The click that kills
It was broad daylight, there were people standing around...yet there it was, laying on the ground - dead, my sobriety. What happened? Who killed it?
Just a click, that's who.
I got a SPAM email, I knew better than to open it. But it had just the right words, and I opened it...no picture, just a link. "Hit DELETE, you dork!" "Naw lets' see if the Filter will catch this one, it does for all the others"
Click.
Whoa, guess they haven't blocked this yet, Free Tour? Click. Page 2. Click. Page 3. Click.
End of Tour...end of sobriety...funny thing is...didn't cost me a penny. Just a click.
Just a click, that's who.
I got a SPAM email, I knew better than to open it. But it had just the right words, and I opened it...no picture, just a link. "Hit DELETE, you dork!" "Naw lets' see if the Filter will catch this one, it does for all the others"
Click.
Whoa, guess they haven't blocked this yet, Free Tour? Click. Page 2. Click. Page 3. Click.
End of Tour...end of sobriety...funny thing is...didn't cost me a penny. Just a click.
# days sober = 1
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