On Singleness

This article on singleness (www.crosswalk.com) peaked my interest. I like reading Hudson's stuff, I actually emailed him once in comment to something he wrote, and he replied! Holy Cow the Internet talked back!!!!! The article is basically about the questions of "why am I still single", and "if so, what is wrong with me"??? It really echoed a lot of the questions I hear inside my own head.

And it rang similar to the other questions of worth and value that I have struggled with all thru the recovery process. I need to dig deeper into this, I feel like the heart of my recovery centers around gaining and applying this understanding of my position and worth being found in Christ alone, and not in anything else I say, do, don't do, have, stand near, or know something about.

Yes its been forever since I have written in the blog, no it hasn't all been good times. But it is what it is.

Run Away!!!!!

So some days, the last thing I want is to meet the resurrected, glorious Christ. He just exposes too many flaws. Christianity Today "Christ is Risen- Run Away"

This pretty much sums up what I feel like lately. We are supposed to "approach the throne of grace with confidence" but my life seems to ooze anything but confidence in the presence or the potential presence of Jesus. I'm the non-compliant patient, the one with the infected sore. I fail to follow the Dr's orders - which would allow me to live a normal life and keep the infection in check, but again and again I become inflamed with 'stuff' trapped beneath the surface. Maybe its where I've been (not the cleanest of places) , maybe its lack of care - but it's gotten out of control again. I need to see the Healer...but I don't. I don't call, I don't go, I know I should...but I don't.

# days sober = 2

Am I a Practical Atheist?

I'll let you read the whole article for yourself (the link is below) but I will quote the part that tore me up and made me sit back and ask, "Is this me?". Unfortunately, the answer is "Yes, yes, and yes"

Speaking of being fair, let's. I wonder if our fascination with atheism is well-focused. If Lent, the season we are currently slogging through, reminds us of anything, it reminds us that Christians are often practicing atheists. As I said, philosophical atheists cannot hate God. Christians, on the other hand, know God exists and therefore can and do hate him. One thing you do with persons you hate is pretend like they don't exist.

We dutifully say our prayers in the morning, but then go about the day hardly giving God a thought, making decisions and engaging the day as if we had left him at home. At the end of a whirlwind day, we fall exhausted into bed, and, if we are particularly devout, we offer up another prayer. But the picture at the center of this prayer-framed life is often blank.

Take simple moral choices. Jesus tells us not to lust. But that doesn't stop the occasional peek at porn. We are told to speak the truth in love, and yet we tell so many white lies, we need an Excel sheet to keep track. We know we should turn the other cheek, but we delight in imagining rituals of revenge.

There are unconscious sins — the thoughtless word or angry gesture that comes out of nowhere. But then there are the deliberate sins: we have a moment to ponder our duty, which lies clearly before us. No question what God is calling us to do. And we do the opposite.

If this isn't a form of atheism, even of hating God, I don't know what is. No wonder Jesus uses stark language to describe faith: We either hate Jesus (John 15:23-24) or we hate ourselves (John 12:25). That's what it comes down to. And we often know who "our first hate" is.

ChristianityToday "Where to Find the Real Atheists"

The God that invited us to "do life" with Him, knows all about my tendency to live as if He doesn't exist in whatever situation I'm in...and He's forgiven me for that already.

That is the message of hope for me this Easter.

The Hundred Dollar Bill

A crisp new one hundred dollar bill - how much is it worth?

Same bill, crumpled up - how much is it worth?

Crumpled bill, lying the the dirt, stepped on, repeatedly

- how much is it worth?

One Hundred dollars.

No matter the condition it is in - a hundred dollar bill is worth $100.

So too it is with us, no matter the condition we find ourselves in
- we are still worth our full face-value to God.

We all want to see ourselves as crisp, new bills.

Truth is...those bills are crisp and new because they haven't been used yet.

Man in the mirror

So it's been a bit since my last post, it appears that I really like to post when things are going well, but totally go underground when it's not. That seems to be true in several facets of my relations with people around me. I was out of town for a few days on vacation. It seems like "vacation" is good excuse to take time off from recovery. Once I returned home I did not make the effort to reintegrate myself into the Program. As a direct result, as slip was inevitable.

But as I finally started to go back to meetings and begin to re-apply the principles of the program, I do see this one area that has been a consistent 'soft-spot' in my program. I can go to meetings, I can fill out forms, I can make tough phone calls about my past, but the one thing I have consistently avoided doing on a daily basis is honestly looking at (and dealing with) the character defects and broken beliefs inside of me.

I refuse to look in the mirror and be honest about what I see there.

But there is no other way, the problem is not "out there" in the world (or other people). The problem is in me, the diseased attitudes, beliefs, fantasies....it's all in me. And all of my interactions with the people around me are perceived thru that distortion, hence the irrational fears, or the misread relational cue's that seem to plague my life.

The key? Time spent with God in honest introspection, healthy interaction with others, and desire to become transparent (even vulnerable) to others in this process.

# days sober = 4 days

Came across this today, really convicting as to how I react to the world around me based off of my own insecurities. When of all peoples in the world, as a Christian I should be the most secure, not because of anything in me but because of who has claimed me.

.....from the book The Search For Significance by Robert S. McGee.
"Our true value is based not on our behavior or the approval of others but on what God's word says is true. Our behavior is often a reflection of our beliefs about who we are. It is usually consistent with what we think to be true about ourselves (Prov 23:7). If we base our worth solidly on the truths of God's word, then our behavior will often reflect His love, grace, and power. But if we base our worth on our abilities or the fickle approval of others, then our behavior will reflect the insecurity, fear, and anger that comes from such instability."

I have been learning the truth of those words in recent months. When I trust who God says I am I begin to stock the ingredients listed on the fruits of the Spirit menu board. God declares all of the following list to be true about me…a broken down TV director. And all of these things became true from the MOMENT I trusted Christ.

I am forgiven. Col 2:13–14
I am a child of God. John 1:2; Rom 8:15
I received Christ's KIND of life, eternal: John 5:24
I was delivered from Satan's domain and into the Kingdomof Christ
Col 1:13
Christ came to dwell with me. Col 1:27; Rev 3:20
I am a new Creation: 2 Cor 5:17
I am declared righteous by God: 2 Cor 5:21
I entered a love relationship w/ God: 1 John 4:9-11
I am accepted by God: Col 1:19-22
from Confessions of Bad Christian blog

I need to spend more time than just making a blog entry on these verses. I have not been committing any time to bible study, maybe some recovery, and a quick prayer. But actual, honest study and prayer is really missing in my life.

Acceptance

The goal of our relationships is not that anything gets fixed, but that nothing is hidden.” TrueFaced

I was again faced with my shame last night. I was faced with communicating (a friend request) with a person from my past whom I feel that I have let down. I failed, I failed to be what I said I was, I failed to live up to what they thought I was. What was and what it looked like were not the same thing in my life. I hid my struggles, I tried to hide my failures. (I even failed at that!)

So when I saw the message from him, my heart quailled, my stomach clenched, and I began to rehash all of the failures that brought me to the point where the relationship was broken. This was a person I used to trust, I called him my friend. And I can't say that he ever stopped being "my friend", I just allowed my shame to create this wall between us.

I'm scared; scared someone will point out the past failures, or bring to light previously unmentioned ones, more examples of how I missed the mark. And I'm worried my tenuos grasp on intrinsic worth (coupled with my deep seated need for affirmation) might not be strong enough to handle much of a blow.

I cannot undo the past, but it's not healthy for me to keep running from it. I need to trust in the goodness of God that He knows what is going on here.