Breakfast at Tiffany's...or just City Market

So I did breakfast today with the old roomates from about 5 years ago.

It wasn't as bad as I expected it to be. I had some anxiety as to how it might all be.

Yes, everyone else is married, yes they all have kids, a kid on the way, or are in the process of adopting. Yes they all live in houses that they bought. They all are successfull at their jobs working firms, or large companies. So, I feel a little under-performing there. But none of them hold that against me, why do I feel the need to hold it against myself?

We mostly talked about what the others were up to, no one even asked me where I work, or if I was dating, or if I was still in ministry anywhere. (Which is prolly cause the world isn't all about me, I just forget that). We had some fun memories of stuff at the house, so all in all, it was good.

So I'm thankful for that, I really feel like I'd like to just forget the past. I can't, my past is what it is....and I cannot change it. What I have is today.

And thank God I'm still here for it!

# days sober = 5

Take heart

I feel like my struggle lies under the surface, where too few know about it, and even fewer seem to be willing to stand knee-deep in the muck with me as I stumble thru this process...but to those trusted few, and fellow strugglers everywhere; take heart.

I found this quote by C.S Lewis:

But if you are a poor creature—poisoned by a wretched upbringing in some house full of vulgar jealousies and senseless quarrels—saddled, by no choice of your own, with some loathsome sexual perversion—nagged day in and day out by an inferiority complex that makes you snap at your best friends—do not despair. He knows all about it. You are one of the poor whom he blessed. He knows what a wretched machine you are trying to drive. Keep on. Do what you can. One day (perhaps in another world, but perhaps far sooner than that) he will fling it on the scrapheap and give you a new one. And then you may astonish us all—not least yourself: for you have learned your driving in a hard school. (Some of the last will be first and some of the first will be last.)

# days sober = 2

There's a skeleton in my closet!!!!!

So I have had my 4th painful opportunity to drag the ugliest skeletons of my past out of the closet (that I never admitted existed) and show them off to a small group of people.

Not fun.

But completely necesary. There's an excerpt from the White Book that talks about "clear away the wreckage of your past, and join us", I knew it would come to this eventually. But I was really hoping to avoid it.

Ok. So it's out there. Now what? Good question. I think the next real step is to forgive myself. I've thrown this out there and felt the acceptance of others, God has made it clear that He loves me - just as I am, all that is left is to forgive myself. I have no idea why that is so hard...it just is right now. I know some people with pretty rough histories, and I think they are great people - I do not think about them with the same sort of judgemental intolerance that I seem to apply to myself.

# of days sober = 8