Thanks for my Past???

So I'm home for Thanksgiving. It's been good to be with family but I've been struggling with thoughts from my past. Things I participated in, and at the time thought I enjoyed, but now these memories are seriously dangerous to my sobriety. Things from my past that I am sorry for, or not proud of are much easier to push out of my head. But these things, I look back and relish the recall.

I think this is a direct result of being away from meetings and the regular elements of my recovery and support. I'm gonna have to decide if I can leave early to go back to the City and make church there on Sunday morning.

# of days sober 38

Milestones

As a kid we always used to play this card game called Mille Bornes. Apparently its french for 1000 miles. The goal was to lay down milestone cards of 20 50 or 100 miles, with the goal of hitting 1000. The tough part of the game was you had to have a "green light" card in order to lay down miles...we'll that wasn't so bad, it was the obstacles that other players could throw in your way; Accident, Panne d'essence (out of gas), Creve(flat), Limite de vitesse(speed limit). Not only did this prevent you from laying down any more miles, you had to remedy the problem before you could move on. My strategy was always to get the BIG mileage cards and lay them down, so I would sorta ignore the smaller milestones constantly pushing for the big ones. Thing is, most of the time the winner did it by consistently laying down small milestones and avoiding the Hazards.

Today I am at 30 days sober. I have not had this many sober days in a row yet this year. So it is a work of God's grace and power in my life to bring me to this place again. But as I sit and think, "30 days...." - there are some voices inside my head try to tell me that 30 days isn't that long, or it's okay if you go act out again - you can get it back later. But those voices are not telling the truth.

30 is a milestone, it's not 90 days, it's not a year....but it's a milestone that says I'm on the road, I have the green light, I'm putting down miles, and hopefully I'm avoiding the worst of the hazards.

That, in Mille Bornes, is a winning combination.

days sober = 30

Prop 8

In a recent conversation about a vigil being held on campus in support of Prop 8 (recently defeated by California voters), I had this response;

I really struggle with how to meet people where they are but yet not water down what I believe. I believe that far more people (than most church folks would like to admit) struggle with sexual issues (same-sex or addictions) So these issues aren't going away anytime soon, but the answer isn't to accept it, make it a happy part of society, and hope it doesn't have grave consequences on the kids growing up in those homes.

God made it so that kids got different needs and elements in their development met by the differing elements of mom and dad, male and female. The reason this idea of gay marriage seems so appropriate to the the rest of the world is squarely rooted in the same ideas that give rise to evolution, global warming, and extreme environmentalism.

God is a myth.

And if God is a myth, then Planet Earth is all we have - so protect it above even human life. If God does not exist, then there is no divine design for families and we can concoct whatever sort of thing we want and call it a "family" or a "marriage". And if God did not create life, in the Beginning, then there is no one to tell us it's not okay to end it when we feel like (early or late).

So while I struggle with the immediate pain that rejecting Prop 8 causes gay and enlightened folks, I have to fall back on the fact that God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve. Ultimately I rest easier in the knowledge that these are not my arguments, ideas, or rules...they are God's - I'm just following orders. But I need to follow those orders and see the underlying desperate need for acceptance that they are trying to gain thru this and other actions in their life.

The idea of needing to be accepted, and being willing to do almost anything to get that acceptance is not foreign to me. But how I choose to convey my beliefs in the hard conversations of late - that is where I struggle to show compassion and still hold the line on my beliefs. Right now I hold the line pretty darn good...it's the compassion that seems to suffer.

days sober = 28

God of Last Resort

That was part of a phrase my pastor used on Sunday. And it struck me, not totally in context with what he had in mind, but it struck me nonetheless. And I had to ask myself do I use God as a "god of last resort"? Like the self destruct sequence in every SciFi movie, or the oracle that is so hard to get to that you only go if it is the very last thing you have left to do. Do I only go to God when I have used up all of my options? 50/50, phoned a friend, polled a room full of people I barely know....THEN if none of those work...."Ah, God. I could use some help down here."

The crazy thing is, God is so loving, so kind...He is willing to be my God of Last Resort. He is willing to help when I have played all my cards and the dealer is still winning. He is willing to let me phone ALL of my friends, and when I finally ask Him...He answers. I have to assume there is disappointment that I wouldn't come to Him first, hasn't He proven Himself faithful, hasn't He come thru countless other times? Would it be so hard to try Him first?

I need to do more than try Him first. I need to see Him as my only option, not the Holy Last Resort, but the sole option. Alpha - Omega. Only hope, only love, only shield, only healing, only salvation, only God, first resort....and my last resort.

Why do you always find the thing you were looking for in the last place you looked? Cause that is where you finally stopped looking.

God help me to find whatever it is that I'm looking for, in You.

sober 26 days

Free to Set Free

So my weekend was not very exciting, no trips, no parties, no outdoor adventures...but it was okay. I went to a meeting Friday night and Saturday morning. I attended church on Sunday and hung out and talked with a friend afterwards. The message on Sunday seemed to be a big underscore to some of the things that God was pointing out on the retreat (last weekend) and just ideas that have been coalescing over the past couple months.

I have always had such shame and guilt over my same sex struggle, hence my strong desire to tell no one more than absolutely necesary. But it seems as if God is pointing towards a different model of disclosure...one that seems to involve a LOT more people than I would really be comfortable with. What I'm learning is that it isn't all about me...there are many people faced with the same struggles, many of whom struggle in painful, lonely silence. And God's heart is not to just heal me so that I might go about my own life in a less deficient or less malformed way, but that He might choose to use me to convey a message of hope and encouragement to a fellow struggler. Not that I am that much further ahead, but more so that God in His great wisdom and compassion for us does not want to leave us to struggle alone (He chooses to give us Hope by whatever means He can). So we are not only set free, just to be free, but that God may use our story of freedom to draw others to freedom in Him. (if I'm understanding my pastor correctly)

My next step appears to be to share my story with my pastor. I need to sit down with my support and get their opinion on this (thursday night) but I can actually see this happening...where there was only fear before. I do still have huge fears about who might hear of this...but I guess I have to trust the God has got my back on this one too.

So this most painful of all secrets in my life, this too can be used for the glory of God? This is a mystery I still find hard to grasp.

days sober = 12