Zero

I regretfully write that I gave up 61 days of sobriety last night. A blog entry certainly does not take the place of actually having to admit that in person, but in the interest of timely disclosure I did not want to allow myself to keep it a secret, possibly prolonging the duration of the "slip".

As direct result of my poor choices last night I only got 4 hours of sleep, I have a previously scheduled appointment with my counselor at 11am and I am also feeling very much like I need to be at a meeting, but the only one today is at noon. I'm going to ask my counselor if he wants to do a half session and have me attend the meeting also. But I'd be gone from work like 2.5 hours and that is really hard to sell to my boss, given my other, less than stellar, work habits.

Yes, it sucks. Yes, I feel like crap today, but I know that I had 60 days and that thru Gods' grace I can have another 60. But right now, I have to focus on today and not belittle and shame myself for failure.

# days sober = 0

Is it over yet?

Today is 60 days of sobriety.

I am thankful, and even a bit surprised that I have made it this far. But I keep waiting for it to get easier. I keep hoping one day I will wake up and find it gone.
But that is not true of today, so on my 60th day of sobriety - I still struggle. Struggle as in, "I think I might like to see some porn" struggle. Struggle as in "If had the chance, I'd make a break for it" kind of struggle.

But I guess the struggle lets me know that I'm still alive.

# days sober = 60

Un-answered prayer

A friend wrote to me, "But if when you ask to be healed and nothing happens, it makes sense that nothing would happen if it's really important to some big plan." And it caused me to think some on this topic, I am sure that I don't have a lock on the truth of this - but this is what falls out when I tilt my head.

We know that nothing happens except that God allows it to happen, and my understanding of my own SSA struggle it that my desires for masculine affection (eros) are a sinful expression of God given desires for real fellowship and godly intimacy with other men. So I don't know if this a chicken before the egg argument or not - but I hesitate to think of my struggle as some intentional design element in God's greater Plan. More like this is something that, thru early circumstances and my own (sinful) choices, I now struggle with...that even in this struggle (a struggle born out of human causes) - even thru this God has said "All things work together for good to them that love the Lord" Rom 8:28. So that even this, what man intends for evil, God will use to his glory. I'm not sure of the theology, but I struggle with the idea that God would break someones leg in order to further His plans on the earth...moreso that He appears to be willing to use broken things, dirty vessels to carry His water to a dry and thirsty land.

grinding it out...

This is a phrase I hear a fellow in recovery say pretty often. Now I think I know why he says it. I've been in a funk these past few days, and have been toying with the ideas of lust too much, getting way too close to the edge of sobriety. And why I am toying with lust, people all around me are suffering.

• A friend is going thru some very tough times in close relationship.
• Another friend is struggling with un-answered prayer.
• One is shipping out to Iraq in April.
• There are "family issues" across the board. (fighting, yelling, threats of being kicked out)
• One is drinking himself silly, for another it's drugs.
• A family's son is faced with a surgery (in Jan) to remove a portion of his brain to control his seizures.

And I wonder if today is a good day to lose myself in some good old fashioned lust and pornography....of course the answer is no. I should not beat myself up because of the temptations that roll thru my head, but I can remind myself that God is calling on me, on us, to "watch and pray". The pain is real, the hurts are there, God we need You. We need You to do what only You can do! We need your Grace, we need your Mercy, we need Your Forgiveness.

O God, give me a heart that would be broken by the hurts I see around me, a heart that would bring these things to you as any child would bring a broken item to his earthy father and say, "Papa, it's broken...will you fix it?" In a child's mind there is no question if Papa can fix it, only will he.

In my brokenness I want God to fix things when I pray. Isn't that what prayer is for, " God, fix this."? There might be a different angle, God may have a different idea. In the garden Jesus prayed for the Father to take this cup from him, but "not my will, by Thy will be done". My will is that everything be peachy and rosey, His will is that we may know Him more deeply and draw the world around us into relationship with the Father so that they may, in turn, know the Father more deeply.

Maybe tonight I need to utter a different prayer;

Papa, you see these things that are broken, lives that are hurting, painful struggles that don't go away, rejection, illness, grave circumstances...I know you can fix it, but will You? And when? But until the when becomes now, would You grant us the strength to deal with life as it is? Upholding your promise never to leave or forsake us, but walking with us thru the very things we are sure will be the death of us. Make Yourself known, be in our midst, be our covering - hide our shame, heal our hearts, strengthen that which has been weak. And the hope we have, we have in You, hope in anything else is fanciful wishing at best.

Not my will, but Thy will be done.....

# days sober = 53

45 days

So I have been sober 45 days now. It's certainly more of a credit to God's grace in my life than any real show of strength or obedience on my part. But I am thankful for it nonetheless.

The things I need to work on are:

1. Staying away from lustful things (i.e. lusty talk, lusty thoughts, fond remembrances of "old times")
2. Be at peace with others. I have been so boorish lately, I just seem to get riled up at the littlest of perceived injustices or slights (affects my pride and ego)
3. Live honestly within my means and resources. This applies to my finances, my time, and the amount of emotional resource I have to commit to any and all areas. Make good decisions about where I really need to be versus where I think I should be.

Bi-polar?

No, I dont' think I'm actually bi-polar. But I was confronted yet again with how I have two faces, two loves, two trains of thought.

One loves God, one loves Lust. Ugh.

And it's so obvious after it comes out in some phrase, some direction of conversation, some way in which it's totally obvious which side I'm coming from.

10 And so blessing and cursing come pouring out of the same mouth. Surely, my brothers and sisters, this is not right! 11 Does a spring of water bubble out with both fresh water and bitter water?
James 3:10-11 NLT

17 But the wisdom from above is first of all pure. It is also peace loving, gentle at all times, and willing to yield to others. It is full of mercy and good deeds. It shows no favoritism and is always sincere. 18 And those who are peacemakers will plant seeds of peace and reap a harvest of righteousness.
James 3:17-18 NLT

These are definitely some verses I need to apply more directly to how I speak and relate to others.

No Brother of mine

As I sit and think about having to ask my older brother about what it was like growing up in our house...I can't help but begin to see the myriad of ways that we didn't relate. We didn't share anything in common. We didn't play together by choice (it was only because we both had to utilize the same bag of Legos). He was not a confidant, he was not a safe person for me, he was not available, not protective...he was not my brother in all the ways I wish someone would have been.

Some of this has come up just because of this process of recovery I am going thru, but the more poignant observations were highlighted by a recent look at a buddies Facebook photos. Photos of he and his brother doing "brother hikes", camping trips, shirtless ski runs (family tradition). Photos of them arm in arm being brothers...the love, the bond is obvious. I have none of that. And that is a very sad realization.

So I cannot change the past. How do I then move past this? Can I forgive him for being a crappy brother? Is it even right to expect all that of him? Wasn't he just trying to survive the very same 'family of origin' that has already churned out two full-blown addicts?

What if I don't want to know?

It appears that my latest task is to find out more about my childhood. Like the part of my childhood that I have completely blocked out and do not remember (My folks were divorced when I was like 4, adn I really don't remember much until 4th or 5th grade). And the really crappy part of it...I get to ask my older brother (whom I have never been close with) for those missing details - because he is the only other one who was there. My older brother, the bully, the "I don't know anything about you" - older brother. The "I got marreid, moved away, and haven't called since" - older brother. The "I limit any and all interactions with this part of the family" - older brother.

So what if I don't want to know? What if I really would prefer to leave the past and it's pain in obscurity? I had no idea this process of unearthing the past would prove so dreadfull, so filled with unreasoning fear. I have faced fears of divulging dark secrets, fears of losing everything I know to do, fears of what life might be like without my addictive crutch, fears of expectations of others....but this....this scares the $%^# out of me.

So why do I fear that part of my past so much? Maybe there is really nothing there and I will learn nothing new except that my brother isolated adn insulated himself from all of it, shutting me out in the process. Or maybe that he just didn't care.

Either way, there is the door...and there is only one way thru.

I'm really beginning to hate these single option choices.

# days sober = 40

Thanks for my Past???

So I'm home for Thanksgiving. It's been good to be with family but I've been struggling with thoughts from my past. Things I participated in, and at the time thought I enjoyed, but now these memories are seriously dangerous to my sobriety. Things from my past that I am sorry for, or not proud of are much easier to push out of my head. But these things, I look back and relish the recall.

I think this is a direct result of being away from meetings and the regular elements of my recovery and support. I'm gonna have to decide if I can leave early to go back to the City and make church there on Sunday morning.

# of days sober 38

Milestones

As a kid we always used to play this card game called Mille Bornes. Apparently its french for 1000 miles. The goal was to lay down milestone cards of 20 50 or 100 miles, with the goal of hitting 1000. The tough part of the game was you had to have a "green light" card in order to lay down miles...we'll that wasn't so bad, it was the obstacles that other players could throw in your way; Accident, Panne d'essence (out of gas), Creve(flat), Limite de vitesse(speed limit). Not only did this prevent you from laying down any more miles, you had to remedy the problem before you could move on. My strategy was always to get the BIG mileage cards and lay them down, so I would sorta ignore the smaller milestones constantly pushing for the big ones. Thing is, most of the time the winner did it by consistently laying down small milestones and avoiding the Hazards.

Today I am at 30 days sober. I have not had this many sober days in a row yet this year. So it is a work of God's grace and power in my life to bring me to this place again. But as I sit and think, "30 days...." - there are some voices inside my head try to tell me that 30 days isn't that long, or it's okay if you go act out again - you can get it back later. But those voices are not telling the truth.

30 is a milestone, it's not 90 days, it's not a year....but it's a milestone that says I'm on the road, I have the green light, I'm putting down miles, and hopefully I'm avoiding the worst of the hazards.

That, in Mille Bornes, is a winning combination.

days sober = 30

Prop 8

In a recent conversation about a vigil being held on campus in support of Prop 8 (recently defeated by California voters), I had this response;

I really struggle with how to meet people where they are but yet not water down what I believe. I believe that far more people (than most church folks would like to admit) struggle with sexual issues (same-sex or addictions) So these issues aren't going away anytime soon, but the answer isn't to accept it, make it a happy part of society, and hope it doesn't have grave consequences on the kids growing up in those homes.

God made it so that kids got different needs and elements in their development met by the differing elements of mom and dad, male and female. The reason this idea of gay marriage seems so appropriate to the the rest of the world is squarely rooted in the same ideas that give rise to evolution, global warming, and extreme environmentalism.

God is a myth.

And if God is a myth, then Planet Earth is all we have - so protect it above even human life. If God does not exist, then there is no divine design for families and we can concoct whatever sort of thing we want and call it a "family" or a "marriage". And if God did not create life, in the Beginning, then there is no one to tell us it's not okay to end it when we feel like (early or late).

So while I struggle with the immediate pain that rejecting Prop 8 causes gay and enlightened folks, I have to fall back on the fact that God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve. Ultimately I rest easier in the knowledge that these are not my arguments, ideas, or rules...they are God's - I'm just following orders. But I need to follow those orders and see the underlying desperate need for acceptance that they are trying to gain thru this and other actions in their life.

The idea of needing to be accepted, and being willing to do almost anything to get that acceptance is not foreign to me. But how I choose to convey my beliefs in the hard conversations of late - that is where I struggle to show compassion and still hold the line on my beliefs. Right now I hold the line pretty darn good...it's the compassion that seems to suffer.

days sober = 28

God of Last Resort

That was part of a phrase my pastor used on Sunday. And it struck me, not totally in context with what he had in mind, but it struck me nonetheless. And I had to ask myself do I use God as a "god of last resort"? Like the self destruct sequence in every SciFi movie, or the oracle that is so hard to get to that you only go if it is the very last thing you have left to do. Do I only go to God when I have used up all of my options? 50/50, phoned a friend, polled a room full of people I barely know....THEN if none of those work...."Ah, God. I could use some help down here."

The crazy thing is, God is so loving, so kind...He is willing to be my God of Last Resort. He is willing to help when I have played all my cards and the dealer is still winning. He is willing to let me phone ALL of my friends, and when I finally ask Him...He answers. I have to assume there is disappointment that I wouldn't come to Him first, hasn't He proven Himself faithful, hasn't He come thru countless other times? Would it be so hard to try Him first?

I need to do more than try Him first. I need to see Him as my only option, not the Holy Last Resort, but the sole option. Alpha - Omega. Only hope, only love, only shield, only healing, only salvation, only God, first resort....and my last resort.

Why do you always find the thing you were looking for in the last place you looked? Cause that is where you finally stopped looking.

God help me to find whatever it is that I'm looking for, in You.

sober 26 days

Free to Set Free

So my weekend was not very exciting, no trips, no parties, no outdoor adventures...but it was okay. I went to a meeting Friday night and Saturday morning. I attended church on Sunday and hung out and talked with a friend afterwards. The message on Sunday seemed to be a big underscore to some of the things that God was pointing out on the retreat (last weekend) and just ideas that have been coalescing over the past couple months.

I have always had such shame and guilt over my same sex struggle, hence my strong desire to tell no one more than absolutely necesary. But it seems as if God is pointing towards a different model of disclosure...one that seems to involve a LOT more people than I would really be comfortable with. What I'm learning is that it isn't all about me...there are many people faced with the same struggles, many of whom struggle in painful, lonely silence. And God's heart is not to just heal me so that I might go about my own life in a less deficient or less malformed way, but that He might choose to use me to convey a message of hope and encouragement to a fellow struggler. Not that I am that much further ahead, but more so that God in His great wisdom and compassion for us does not want to leave us to struggle alone (He chooses to give us Hope by whatever means He can). So we are not only set free, just to be free, but that God may use our story of freedom to draw others to freedom in Him. (if I'm understanding my pastor correctly)

My next step appears to be to share my story with my pastor. I need to sit down with my support and get their opinion on this (thursday night) but I can actually see this happening...where there was only fear before. I do still have huge fears about who might hear of this...but I guess I have to trust the God has got my back on this one too.

So this most painful of all secrets in my life, this too can be used for the glory of God? This is a mystery I still find hard to grasp.

days sober = 12

Romans

I have so much stuff rolling around in my head from the weekend that I was on. I wrote some of it out in my blog already. I've tried to have a conversation everyday regarding it (to keep it fresh). I'm still finding that one of the things I miss is human contact, spending face to face time with people on a consistent basis. Just the kinds of "hang out" time, play games, watch movies, climb. And I have so little of those right now, and what time I do get usually ends up being with either a non-christian or someone who doesn't know my story, and there is not the freedom to just share what is running thru my head. Phone calls make a pretty good surrogate, but there are only a handful of ppl outside of the program that I can talk to....and it seems like it doesn't always have to be about the issue (altho that seems to be the brunt of it) but simply being able to talk to someone who knows my story and my struggle with same-sex attraction...and still accepts me - that is the powerful element of it.

This weekend is one of the first in about 4 or 5 weeks that I will actually be in town. Which is scary because that means I have to deal with staying sober straight up, no excuses or distractions to fall back on.

These are the verses I read this morning that I really need to chew on for a bit still. (Rom 12:1-2 and Rom 12:9-21) But they really spoke to me about how I should be, those things which I should be striving for. And it made me realize how little striving versus how much struggling I have been doing. And for me, the difference between those two ideas is that when I just struggle, I am flopping like a fish out of water hoping that somehow I will, miraculously, flop back into the water), but striving, for me, implies a more directed force and goal to the exhertions.

Shameless

One of the most amazing parts of this last weekend was not fully realized until some time after I got home. In the conversations that followed with friends, my sponsor, and my counselor; it became apparent that one of the elements with which I struggle so much (shame) was not present in my re-telling of the events and happenings of the weekend.

It was true...for possibly the first time in my life, I was shameless (or very nearly so). An unexpected gift of grace. Over the years my shame has crippled me, "I'm different", "they wouldn't like me if they knew what I was thinking", "I'm disqualified from ministry because of this". That shame keeps me from beleiving I will amount to anything, that I will be useful, or even that I deserve to be loved.

But in that moment, without much fanfare, God was showing me what it's like to live without that shame. The release from shame comes in being truly known; known that I struggle, known that I fail, and accepted anyway. In the end, I need to learn to accept myself - but it appears that God shows us how it's done when others accept us; sins, scars, struggles, and all.

Exodus

I went to an Exodus Conference this weekend. My worst fears were never realized. I received that which I never expected. And things I couldn't even hope for were bandied about like they were the everyday!

There is no way to explain all of what went on in my head and heart as the weekend unfolded. I have lived since I was young hiding my sexual struggles, the only people that really knew them were people with whom I acted those struggles out. Even while growing up thru high school, college, and all thru the ministry years. What I felt on the inside was never meant to come out. Jekyll and Hyde. And the pain of that war within was slowly killing me. To give in to the temptation was only fleeting relief. Even as things began falling out, and almost up this very point....I have never gone any place where I could truly be 'me' and not fear immediate rejection. Never have I been able to simply accept that I struggle with same sex attractions and let that knowledge be known in any group (other than the clandestine meetings of other addicts seeking recovery, whom are sworn to secrecy and anonymity).

Today I know a freedom I have never experienced. In that time and place, it was okay to be known as one who struggles with this issue. It was like walking into an field hospital....seeing fellow soldiers; all with their own scars, missing limbs, and wounds taken in the battle. But this is not a funeral, this is a place of HEALING. They come here to get well, and the more well look after those just being brought in!!! I could finally talk openly with any number of people about the fact that I have struggled with SSA all my life. I was free, free to be me, free to laugh, and love, and share in the mess that is life.

And in the midst of it is Christ; nodding, pointing, directing my attention to things. Showing me hurts other than my own, allowing me to see with His eyes. My process is so far from complete, I feel like I have barely left the start line. But for a moment, the fog was lifted, my perspective was elevated (zoomed out - if you will), so that He could show me that I am not the only one who hurts. And the He has a plan to heal ALL those hurts, but it's going to take some time, and trust.

And the glaring hypocrisy of me believing that I could marry myself to an image on the screen and the lust in my heart and somehow not have to call it adultery....so now all of my pathetic rationalizations for allowing even those remaining expressions of my secret sin are shown for what they are...offal.

The headiness is scary because it all sounds great, but the truth remains - there is no helicopter coming to pick me up...it's just one foot in front of the other. The journey continues.

Exodus Conference

Ok so I attended an Exodus Conference this weekend. I was so not prepared for what really happens there. There's so much that I need to process out. So much that I need to write down so I can remember it. This post just serves as a placeholder this morning...a reminder and a commitment to write more about this.

My Indian name

No disrespect to those of actual Indian heritage, but the Indian tradition of giving names based on character traits has no parrallel in middle-american society.

I was at a group counseling session last week, again sharing my minimal amount of sober days with the group. Lamenting on how I don't seem to do better. The counselor chimed in and decided to tell me what my "indian name" is....Struggling Failure. Struggling Failure? The more he explained the more it seemed to fit. It is like I'm there saying, " Well, I tried, but this thing got in my way....and I wanted to do better, but I feel really bad....so remorse is good, right? I'm sorry I didn't live up to the standard, but aren't I lovable in my mess?"

Yes, the program does say, "Easy does it", but I've made a career out of being 'easy' on myself. So somewhere in true intimacy, the tolerance for continual failure is reached and someone begins to call you out on it.

Struggling Failure, not the name I woudl have chosen for myself, not a name to be proud of. So what does that mean? It means, I need a new name!!!! How do I get it, exactly the same way I got this one, by earning it.

The Withered Hand

So I wasn't going crazy in church this week....I did write about the guy with the withered hand last week, the pastor mentioned it in his message today. But it could be more than just a hand, a withered faith, a withered hope, a withered spirit, it could be all those areas of you and me that have taken damage as a result of the sin in this world and the sinful choices we've made.

His hand was withered, probably for years....no normal hand shakes, curious stares from children (and prolly adults), whispers behind his back, can't open things right, can't work, can't feel, can't reach out and touch someone without them cringing...so he stops trying. Hand withered first, hope withering day by day.

Did he have hope that day? Why was he in the temple when Jesus was there? Did he think the Master would even notice him?

But Jesus knew, He knew without looking at him....He knew. He knew the pain that the hand had caused....regardless of how it got that way, and He was going to do something about it. If Jesus had asked the man to walk to another city to be healed...would he have gone? If Jesus said, do this and do that, would he have done it? If Jesus had suggested a 'course of action' that could begin to heal the withering....would he have followed it?

Or would he have said, "Well, I really hate this hand, but that city is quite far off....and I'm not sure if I can fit those things you asked me into my schedule this week...'healed' you say? Like functional healed, or cosmetic healed?" And in his heart the questions that ring even louder, "If you can heal my hand, can you heal all of me?"

And who is the "guy with the withered hand" when suddenly his hand is no longer withered?

God, you know the withered parts in me, the parts that keep me from being able to reach out and touch people, the parts that cause me to hide in shame. You've suggested a course of action, you've given companions for the journey....so why haven't I left town yet? (figurative, I'm not moving anywhere - that I know of)

Things to ponder...

Days Sober = 1

Consecutive meetings = 0

No summit for you...

So I want to write some form of whitty, yet slighty bitter, semi-sarcastic entry on how and why I find myself sitting in Wisconsin - when by all of my best plans, and self-possesed will, I'm supposed to be sitting on a rock 12,500 ft up Long's Peak. I should be setting up a tent in the Boulderfield in about 2 hours, but in 2 hours I'll be punching out of work. Headed for a meeting with my sponsor, then yet another group meeting. The weather here in WI today is 67 and partly cloudy, it feels like I could be sitting on a Lake in the Boundary Waters, or setting up a tent somewhere.....anywhere...but I'm not. I know this sounds bitter and a bit hopeless, good - at least it reflects what I'm feeling.

Just yesterday I was thinking "wow, I had an alright weekend". Now, I couldn't give a rats-a$$ about the weekend. All I can see is all the things I cannot do because of my back or my addiction. And it sucks, but apparently it doesn't suck so bad that I actually want to DO something about it. It's easier to write a blog about things than it is to make those daily decisions to move toward health and sobriety so that I am not limited in what I can do. And maybe then I won't care so much abotu fulfilling MY dreams, as I will care about finding out what His Will for me is.

But right now, I feel like crap. The truth of it is, that I am not crap, I have friends and family who love me. I recently found a church that was pretty darn welcoming, and I will end up "outside" again. So the trapped, helpless, hopeless feelings...are just that...feelings, they are not the truth, certainly not "the whole truth and nothing but the truth".

So would me standing on the summit tomorrow have had any bearing on my addiction and struggles with same-sex attraction? Doubtful, I'd just have all those same struggles and be breathing alot less percentage of oxygen while I was standing there. Do I really beleive that climbing up 14,000 ft would somehow get me close enough to God so that He'd finally hear me? Cause obviously thats the problem - He can't hear me, cause if He could - He would have resuced me already. He would have come down and made all these nasty thoughts go away, and I would suddenly only want to do the "right thing"....unfortunately, or rather thankfully - God is not Prince Charming and knows far too well that to rescue me is to leave me bent and ill-formed. No, only on the long hike home can the scars and wreckage of my prior years be stretched and straightened into a form more human-like, less hunched. Much like the parable of the man with the shriveled hand, everytime he reached out to do anything - his deformity was painfully obvious...yet Jesus healed him in such a way as to completely overcome the deformity.

Crash and Burn II

Ok, so I just finished with Pope.

The short answer:

"Yes, it will feel awful. Go to more meetings...."

Strangely enough I'm ok with that. There is alot more "fluff" as Russ called it that we did talk about, I do think I have a better idea of why we are going here, and what exactly here looks like. I'll def be writing more about it so as to solidify the thoughts around it.

"Loneliness does not equal Death"

"You decide if it is going to be death-loneliness or opportunity-loneliness"

I need to evaluate and share how I'm feeling, but if I were to write it down I would need 2 columns; one for "what am I feeling" and one for "what is the truth".

I need to use my support to help navigate the middle ground in between black and white....I'm far too all or nothing in my thinking.

So that's what I'm able to throw out there for right now.

Crash and Burn

So this last weekend was a bust as far as attending 30 meetings in 30 days. I have been struggling so hard with this idea. Is it because I cannot let go that I do not pour myself into recovery work, or is it because until a month after my surgery climbing had no real presence in my schedule of events for the previous 6 to 8 months due to my back?

How do I balance participation in ANY aspect of life and still work on recovery? How do I not indentify with anything? Is that even possible? Is it that I don't value recovery as "real life" or the image of what life would look like (work, alone, go home, alone, weeknights, alone, weekends, alone....) too scary to comtemplate? Is it the fantasy of the future trip that keeps me alive? I don't beleive I thought that before....but take it away and I fall apart, what is that? A year ago, I had 83 days of sobriety, and I was climbing....so what is different about the past year where I have been physically sidelined from climbing - yet unable to maintain sobriety of any appreciable number of days.

Is it that I am terrified to be alone with myself? Is the answer to that to be forced to stare into the face of that which terrifies you and not turn away?

Climbing is a source of community, it is a context with which to interact with friends, it is an outlet that encourages physical development in order to better enjoy the activity, it provides an opportuinty to take trips that offer a break from the grind of work (and of life).

I've been accused of living in the pity party mode regarding this. I don't think (at least I dont' beleive that I think) that climbign is the answer to my sobriety...I don't think that more climbing, or climbing at some perfert level would render me suddenly sober, but nor do I beleive that my focus and energies are so consumed by climbing that it is the sole reason I don't do my homework, spend more time in prayer, journaling, meetings, or anythign else recovery related.

What am I doing when I wasn't at a meeting....tv. sitting at home, anything else...so is what I'm doing instead of recovery, or is the fact that I appear willing to sit and do NOTHING rather than work on my recovery?

What is this paralysis of the soul? Depression? Or lack of will? Lack of moral fibre? Simply resistance to doign what is right? Do all these questions imply a complete lack of surrender, or a desire to work this out?

I don't know....I see the counselor in a couple hours...we'll see what he thinks of all my questions.

1 down, 29 to go

So I've been advised to attend 30 Meetings in 30 days. So that means I goto a meeting every day....well their are not SA meetings everyday of the week that I can make. So I have to fill in with some AA meetings too.

This is tied to my having to give up climbing and finding my identity in climbing. This is going to be hard. I'm not sure what it's gonna look like. And I am scared that I won't really be committed but just going thru the motions.

Do I really want to be sober, at all costs? Am I willing to give up those activities and associations I hold most dear to gain sobriety? Can I live life in such a way as to protect that sobriety in the midst of lust-crazed world? I don't know, but I do know that God can - if I am willing.

1 day sober

Give up Climbing....

So today I went to see the counselor, I have not had an official one on one with him since Nov 15th. And today he dropped a bombshell.

"I think you should give up climbing" (he also said something about 30 meetings in 30 days, but I was still stuck back on the give up climbing part)

No climbing, no trips, no hanging out...just recovery. Why does that sound like such a pitiful life? I have been crying most of the night so far, fearing that I am being asked to give up the one thing that has brought me a measure of joy over the past few years. But is that joy a mere pitance compared to joy that God wants to bestow on life fully centered on him? A life that may yet involve climbing, but climbing in balance with the other areas and elements of my life.

Do I hang on to the life I know or do I let go and trust the Program to catch me? I'm so afraid, afraid to try, afraid to fail, afraid that all I will end up is alone, and still an addict. To say no to this....is to thwart every good thing that God is trying to do in my life...of that I am almost convinced. Yet I am remain terrified of the prospect.

Oh that my cowardly heart would suffer an untimely demise that a much more courageous one would take it's place.

Houston, we have a problem....

Ok, so more than one, but it hit me today while sitting in an SA meeting that I have a problem relating with people who don't need me. There is nothing I have or can do that they don't have or cannot do for themselves, hence they don't need me.

And for some reason that makes it harder for me to connect with them. I have built a life around being helpful, giving advice, or passing on some skill...and I feel good when I do those things. Maybe even feel like it gives me a purpose. And when I don't feel needed; I feel lonely, old, and basically have a pity-party for myself.

But thsi idea of being needed also implies an in-equity in the relationship, and that without something to give (or get) there is little obvious reason for a relationship. I think this speaks alot to my co-dependant tendencies. And I'm only scratching the surface.

I have relationships that may have started in the needed phase (or a perceived need or teaching opportunity) and have progressed out of that. But I still find myself, in those relationships, hovering a little too much, maybe offering more advice than is really needed or wanted. I wonder how much damage am I doing to the friendship by being that way, and how the heck do I not be that way?

The click that kills

It was broad daylight, there were people standing around...yet there it was, laying on the ground - dead, my sobriety. What happened? Who killed it?

Just a click, that's who.

I got a SPAM email, I knew better than to open it. But it had just the right words, and I opened it...no picture, just a link. "Hit DELETE, you dork!" "Naw lets' see if the Filter will catch this one, it does for all the others"

Click.

Whoa, guess they haven't blocked this yet, Free Tour? Click. Page 2. Click. Page 3. Click.

End of Tour...end of sobriety...funny thing is...didn't cost me a penny. Just a click.

# days sober = 1

Feeling like I don't belong

So I goto 'group therapy' sessions, and I am always feelign liek the odd man out. Mostly due to the fact that I'm the only one losing my sobriety between the last session and the current one. Everyone else there has like 6 mo or more. So I was making noises and taking steps towards pulling myself out of those sessions. I feel like "group" work is like Level 2 stuff, level 1 being basic sobriety, meeting's, phone calls. Staying sober. And I'm not doing Level 1 consistently, or even inconsistently.

But maybe I'm trying to pull myself out not as a way to help myself, but moreso to remove myself from the spot that makes me feel guilt and shame over my actions. I wanted to stop going as a way to re-focus on Level 1 stuff and start seeing the Pope one on one more. maybe I just have to admit that I'm not doing what I should and instead of running away I should be running into...into not only group session every other week, but commit to one on one sessions with the Pope on the opposite weeks.

I have no idea how I'll be able to fit that into the schedule with PT, and the exercise stuff I need to do to rehab my back. But I guess that is why it is a God-thing, not a Brett-thing

So what am I supposed to talk about?

I hear alot of newcomers to the program ask, "Ok I know I'm supposed to make phone calls....but what am I supposed to say?" I found this excerpt on the web and I thought it really answered that question, but it also points to the things I'm supposed to be still saying in my personal calls, along with a daily Renewal, I need to be asking these questions...and answering them...to a person, to my journal/blog, and to my Higher Power.

Describe any lust temptations you’ve had in the past 24 hours,
and how you’ve dealt with them.
Tell me about any “noise” in your head or heart, as well as anything that you need to bring into the light from the past 24 hours.
Do you anticipate anything coming up in the next 24 hours that could be a threat to your recovery?
Tell me about the time spent with your Higher Power, your Step Work, and any other victories you’ve had in the past 24 hours.

That is at least a starter list for what I should be trying to talk about in a phone call. Now the key is picking up the phone!!!!!

Renewal Pledge

Are you willing to admit you are powerless over lust?
Do you desire sobriety and freedom from the actions and obsessions of lust, as well as further recovery, for the next 24 hours?
Are you willing to do whatever is necessary to protect this sobriety, including being rigorously honest?

Pouring your heart out to God? Calling on Others?
Forgiving all resentments? Surrendering all lust hits as toxic?
Reading literature? Going to meetings?
Setting and maintaining boundaries?
Promoting an attitude of gratitude?
Refraining from negative thinking?
Putting goals before busy-ness?

Are you willing to do whatever is necessary to continue in recovery - including working the steps for at least 15 minutes (up to several hours if necessary) in the next 24 hours?
Do you realize this renewal does not keep us sober - God does - however, it does help us to be aware of ourselves and accountable to others?
Do you realize this renewal is just for today, and yesterday's step work will not keep you sober today?

Are you willing with me now to turn your will and life over to the care of God, the one who kept us sober yesterday and protected us from the full consequences of our lust and negative attitudes in the past?

Anywhere but here.

Today I sat outside and ate lunch (greasy McD's burger, horrible I know), while I ate I listened to music on my Ipod. I was sitting on a metal picnic table, on the top level of our 2 story parking garage for work...and the ache in my heart was almost enough to make me cry. I wanted to be anywhere but here.

Here. Where I feel lonely (still) too much of the time. Here. Where I rarely enjoy my day at work, nor do I give my employer the kind of day they prolly enjoy paying me for. Here. Where I am rarely sober for more than a week. Here. Where I am not fully moved in yet, and def not settled. Here. Where I can't even plan a camping trip because I can't walk that far, lift that much, or handle much in the way of elevation gain. Ugh, I hold back the tears as I attempt to type this. My life is not that bad...why do I dislike it so?

The answer is fairly obvious...because I'm not sober, because I'm not connected to the One Source that can bring balance to all this that is here. So that answer is get close to Him, I just feel like I don't know how to do that anymore. That's not true, I prolly know how to do it, I just don't because it involves obedience, patience, living within my means, and stepping out of my fantasy world and living each moment grounded in reality.

It's prolly related, and it's prolly an escape...but I really want to go camping. I just want to be out there, somewhere...prolly because it's anywhere but here.

Preachin to the Choir

I read this article on Crosswalk.com about how, in many christian churches, it's ok to hate gays. But really we are to see people who struggle with all forms of sexual sin as people who struggle with sin, not the sin they struggle with.

Even tho many things repluse us, how repulsive is the stench of our sin stained hands when we lift them up in praise, all the while hiding judgement and animosity in our hearts. Of which I am completely guilty.

I struggle to see myself as a person and not the tally of good and bad that I have done this week. There's a song out called "My Jesus" that really speaks to a much grittier, more common Jesus who reached into the lives of the hurting in the midst of the sin and pain to show them love.

When God makes you cookies

I was having a discussion with some guys, and the topic of affirmation came up. Where do we desire to get our affirmation from? And is that who we are supposed to get it from? In recovery we learn that we are supposed to get our affirmation internally and from our Higher Power. But how does one get affirmation from God? Cloud shapes that spell "Atta Boy!!!"? Talking donkeys? Actually I think I learned how to recognize God-originated affirmation from my Mother.

Mom made chocolate chip cookies, they would be just coming out of the oven when I got home from school. At that time, my Mom and I did not have deep conversations...but what I can see now in those cookies was written, "I love you, I made you cookies."

So today, how do I see the affirmations of an invisible God? In each and every moment that I feel His presence, or a special situation comes up and I am blessed, or a comfort is delivered to me in some un-expected, un-explainable way.

That is God saying, "I love you, I made you cookies."

What do I run to?

Well, I've been struggling pretty hard with life lately. And I have been seeing all of my addcitive tendencies come out in full force to meet the challenge.

I've been under stress at work (who isn't), an uncle of mine died last week, I have a lot of pain in my back, and I'm trying to find a place to live for May 1st. Many people have much harder things to deal with, but that is my plate...and for me - it's a full one.

How am I dealing with it, well; i'm eating constantly(junk food, soda, snacks, fried anythings), I'm irritable and crass, and my lust response is at full throttle. Oh and did I fail to mention that I stopped taking my anti-depressants a while ago? Yeah I guess I thought I didn't need them or was too depressed to take them...whatever. So I made the situation I am in.

But I realize that I treat my needs like a shopping list. Even tho SUPER-Walmart exists...I will get one thing from this store and a few things over there, and then this one thing only from this one store. But if I was a Faithful Wal-mart shopper, I would say to myself, "Self, if'n Wal-mart don't got it, then it must not be somethin' yer really needin." And I realize it's not the best analogy, but truly we are blessed with a great God who promises that he will supply all of my needs.

So when I need something....where do I go? Lately, and in the past, I go to different places to get different things, Super Wal-mart (God) being just one of them. But God wants to be my one and only stop - for everything.

Hopefully this will save on gas....

God is in Control???

So lately I've been experiencing alot of stress and difficulty. Some is a result of my own struggles, some is purely external and seemingly unrelated. Even if I choose to ignore it, the truth is....nothing is ever unrelated in God's economy. The most painful issue for me is my lower back, I hernaited a disk in January of 2007, after a long, slow rehab I had begun to feel generally better and had gone back to climbing and generally doing most things without too much restriction. Last week I apparently re-injured my back. Now I am faced with signifigant pain on a daily basis. I can barely put my shoes and socks on in the morning, I have difficulty getting in to my car (because I cannot bend enough to get in properly), I waddle like an old man when I walk, and sitting in a chair (for work) is no relief.

I can barely take care of myself (or so it seems).

So it's in this frame of mind that I hear KLOVE on my ride to work. Where all the songs were about "God is in control", "Hold fast, help is on the way."

I am struggling with this because the pain in my back (not to mention my struggle with addiction), is not driving me closer to God. Instead I retreat inside myself, keeping up the pretenses of interacting with people, but isolated none the less. I still don't take this opportunity to throw myself on the mercy of God and learn that in myself I have no strength, in myself I have no control, in myself I have nothing....I am powerless in the face of life and it's situations.

I hate this pain...I hate that I use it as an excuse to be rude to those around me, I hate that it interferes with the plans the I have for me, I hate that cripples me in a visible way, and that it prevents me from exercising - even if I wanted to. So then I feel trapped, that it will always be this way.

In some ways I am beginning to feel like Job, where systematically everything I hold dear or dream to have or be a part of is being taken away from me. Ministry, relationships, jobs, health, climbing.

A Waste of Suffering

I just listened to a message from Mark Driscoll (Mars Hill - Seattle) on Suffering. He underscored that all suffereing is allowed by God (or else it wouldn't happen), not all suffering is caused by sin, and that suffering should not be "wasted".

Wasted???? As in not taken advantage of, as in thrown away without reaping the benefits, as in suffering might be a good thing???? Is he nuts? Well maybe, but I understood his point. The worth/benefit of the situation I find myself in, (whether as a result of my rebellious choices, or an external, uncontrollable set of circumstances) is completely determined by my response to it.

He stated that in suffering we can be drawn closer to God, that it is analogous to a nail. The harder you hit a nail, the deeper it is driven. We are called to be like nails, we do not enjoy the impact of the hammer, but we can be thankful that the hammer is driving us deeper. This is the "joy" response....not joy as in "happy, happy, joy, joy" but the kind of joy that says, "This hurts, but I am glad that God has not forsaken me. This is tough, but I am thankful that God is taking care of me even in the midst of it".

For me, I struggle with the "joy" response. How can I be happy that I made so many wrong choices that have now resulted in my being an addict? How can I even begin to say that I "suffer" as a christian....I am not Paul persecuted for preaching the gospel, I am not a martyr being tortured for not renouncing their faith in Christ...no my suffering is due to my own sinful willfulness run amock.

So how do I live so as to not "waste" my suffering? Do I let the hammer blows of life drive me deeper in? Or do I bend like a nail that refuses to be driven, now useless until it is pried up and straightened, only to be driven again. Cute pictures, but how do I live this in the real world? How do I remind myself 'in the moment' that this is an important choice to my sobriety, and whether or not I'm "wasting" my suffering?

Is Anybody Out There???

I am finding that I am crippled, by loneliness...

It seems that even if I have a great time hanging out with someone, or a group, the fact of the matter is I go home alone. Ok, so I understand on a logical level that I am not alone. I have family and friends who care about me, I am part of a group of guys committed to dealing with the same issue of addiction, and yet I still feel lonely.

My loneliness seems to be tied to my feeling of not being accepted. And from what I read, the fantasy of sexual addiction is for that moment "I'm in relationship" with that fantasy person, they don't reject me, they are "present" with me when no one else is. Of course, it's all a lie...and eventually when the moment is over the loneliness comes back even stronger.

So I've been sober 9 days now, and it feels just as lonely as before. Except now I see myself yearning for people to contact me. Just send me an email, call me, 'need' something from me. And that exposes yet another sick twist to the addiction...relationaly I'm broken. I feel this need to be needed. And even when I do have seemingly normal interactions with friends...I am left wanting more. I can only liken it to sitting down at a big meal, eating the whole thing, physically you are full, but even before you push away from the table, you want more...more of what - you aren't sure, but you are left with this feeling that you are still 'hungry'.

The hope is that Christ has promised us satisfaction in Him. I am just looking in all the wrong places to fix my loneliness. That appears to be the story of the human race, so apparently i'm not alone in that! So how is it that I can find my satisfaction in Christ alone and not be crushed when my friends do not contact me at a rate sufficient to satiate my hunger?

7"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. 8For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.
9"Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? 10Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? 11If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! 12So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets. Matt 7:7-12 NIV

Messy

This article said alot to me. It presents the thought "If a single person cleans out a closet and no one's around to woohoo it, does the accomplishment really count?" I have tried several times in the past month to get ahead of the curve on the cleaning. But alas I'm not making the headway I hoped for.

I was able to do my taxes, only because I need the money...but I don't clean "just for myself", I only clean because I dread what others think when they see me sitting amidst my pile of sheight. Then again its a strong metaphor for how I feel in dealing with my internal stuff too.

And I think the embarassment (read: shame & guilt) of inviting others to sit with me in my stinking pile of sheight, the whole rotting, putrid mess of it...it's too much. But if I don't...I'll die, alone, covered in sheight.

I'm left wondering, am I willing to to do the tough work of recovery just for me? Even if there is no future promise of someone walking into my apartment/life and tellign me what a great job I did.

If no one were to notice my recovery, would I still do it, just for myself?

Happy freakin New Year...

Well it's 2008, and so far it's looking alot like 2007. I'm still doing the things I know I shouldn't, stuck in the fear of change and unable to surrender the very thing that is pulling me under.

A great deal of our lives – the people we want to become, the impact we want to make – is tied not simply to desire, but whether we will exercise disciplined ambition. Desire is simply longing, or wishing. Ambition has to do with such desire becoming focused on an objective, and thus resulting in someone driven toward a particular goal. Discipline has to do with a management of life which results in self-control, orderliness and efficiency. [source]

So, the road to Hell is paved with good intentions! It's not hard to see that I lack discipline, but even tho I cannot go out and buy a couple gallons of discipline. I'm not without hope. I need to take small, actionable, steps towards these goals, ideals, and good habits that I need in order to live a recovered life.

So with that in mind, I found a one-year bible-reading plan that I want to use in my morning quiet time, so that i don't have any excuses that I "didn't know what to read" nor am I just trying to find something that "speaks to me". Rather I follow the predetermined readings and let the Holy Spirit work thru that. (The online reading are in the NLT, of which I am not a big fan, so I just use the references and read in the NIV)

I have alot more action steps I need to take, but this one is pretty low-cost and ultimately can affect the foundations of my very life. So come rain, sleet, snow, hail, flood, famine, war, and or pestilence I pledge to read everyday....

Ok, ok pestilence was a little over the top ;) But you know what I mean.