What if I don't want to know?

It appears that my latest task is to find out more about my childhood. Like the part of my childhood that I have completely blocked out and do not remember (My folks were divorced when I was like 4, adn I really don't remember much until 4th or 5th grade). And the really crappy part of it...I get to ask my older brother (whom I have never been close with) for those missing details - because he is the only other one who was there. My older brother, the bully, the "I don't know anything about you" - older brother. The "I got marreid, moved away, and haven't called since" - older brother. The "I limit any and all interactions with this part of the family" - older brother.

So what if I don't want to know? What if I really would prefer to leave the past and it's pain in obscurity? I had no idea this process of unearthing the past would prove so dreadfull, so filled with unreasoning fear. I have faced fears of divulging dark secrets, fears of losing everything I know to do, fears of what life might be like without my addictive crutch, fears of expectations of others....but this....this scares the $%^# out of me.

So why do I fear that part of my past so much? Maybe there is really nothing there and I will learn nothing new except that my brother isolated adn insulated himself from all of it, shutting me out in the process. Or maybe that he just didn't care.

Either way, there is the door...and there is only one way thru.

I'm really beginning to hate these single option choices.

# days sober = 40