My Brain on Jimmie Johns

My Brain is fast.

How fast?

Lightening fast!

Really fast?

Oh yah, super duper fast!!!

Fast to do Good?

Uh....no...not fast for that.

16 There are six things the LORD hates,
seven that are detestable to him:
17 haughty eyes, a lying tongue,
hands that shed innocent blood,
18 a heart that devises wicked schemes,
feet that are quick to rush into evil,
19 a false witness who pours out lies and
a man who stirs up
dissension among brothers.
Prov 6:16-19

Yah, sorta convicting for me, I was sitting here, bored, at work. And a little turn of an IM conversation sparked a complete foray into the netherworld of fantasy for me. Oh it was just a short trip, it never seems to take long to get there....but the commute home is a bear!

I need to not be so quick to give in to sin and my sinfull desires.

Today was not a sober day.

On Waffle-ing

waffle: " pause or hold back in uncertainty or unwillingness"

I seem to do this at a nearly professional level. I seem to think I want to be healed and free'd from constant acting out in this area. But even on the 'good' days, I still flirt with lust. I have tons of scenarios in my head that play out on the Big Screen of my Head over and over again. It's like giving an 8 year old 3 cans of Mt. Dew, and then telling him to lie down and goto sleep. It just doesn't work so well.

So the key is to not get all hopped up on lustful thoughts and I would have less of problem dealing with some of the physicalness of the temptation. But I also need to be reading, studying, praying more in order to begin to smooth over the ruts that I've allowed to form in my mind.

The other thing I realize is that I objectify people when I do lust. They are the marionettes of my mind, and the sad thing is, it's not usually about what I imagine myself doing, its not my conquests that I seem to desire...I simply observe the conquest of others. This could have roots in low self-esteem (thinking I don't deserve to be the one "in" the action) or it could be from years of looking at porn, in which you are always a 3rd party observer.

All that stuff is focused on me and my problem. But I have been confronted by a couple solid opportunities this week, specific people that I need to meet with. One is a lonely neighbor, and the other is a young new father. I don't know what I have to offer either of them, but it seems that I've gotten some pretty clear calling to at least be in their life and chat with them. I don't need to know the reasons, I just need to go where I'm asked.

So I struggle, I struggle to do what is right, I struggle to not wallow in self-pity, and I struggle with how to be involved and encouraging in other peoples lives when mine is so obviously messed up.


Days = 2

Mold

Well there was a revolting development last night. I discovered a sizable patch of mold on my bedroom wall where my bed is near the wall. I had a sleeping pad (foam) between my bed and the wall, it seemed like a good storage spot (and it appears to have protected my bed and such from visible mold. But apparently the exterior wall was condensating or somehow is wet.

But either way I have big, hairy mold on my wall. I also have sleeping pad that may have mold damage, and my down sleeping bag got some mold on it. This is not good. More so, I still have bunch of boxes in my room that I need to move so that I can call the landlord and have him look at it. So I need to move all this stuff down to the storage locker (I hope its dry down there!) And then wash all this stuff, and see what they are gonna do to the wall. Ugh.

I have a really busy schedule this week, and I don't know how I am going to fit moving all the stuff out of my room so the landlord can deal with this. But I guess that is just life. I need to figure it out.

Sober Days = 1 (I'm gonna see how this works, the days that I give in to lust, those are "not sober" days, but a 'day 1 ' is the following day and counting up from there.)

Sobriety

Sobriety. Drunks get sober, drug users get "clean", and struggling christians? What do we get? Hopefully...victorious. But until then, I need to be practice sobriety. It sounds weird but basically lust is like a drug for me, I use it in all the same ways that drunks use alcohol. So in order to stop using, I need to measure my sobriety. Do I really wanna walk around with a number on my chest (my scarlet number) for how many days I have been sober? The alternative is no better, don't count the sins, don't count the days...grace is cheap...we are all winners here...God loves you.

Oh I don't doubt that God loves me...in fact He loves me too much to leave me in the condition that He finds me in. In church Sunday, I basically ignored the sermon and I just read most of 1st and 2nd Peter. I wrote down alot of the verses...I know they were already in my Bible, I need to write so that I slow down enough to actually READ the verse. There are several in there that I need to start memorizing. But here is one that really stood out to me.

3His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through
our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. 4Through
these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through
them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in
the world caused by evil desires.
2 Peter 1:3-4 (New International Version)

I have had some great conversations this weekend, I am really thankful for my friends and christian brothers who demonstrate their love for Christ in how they treat others. So its not a milestone, not yet anyway, but I am 3 days sober. By the grace of God tomorrow will be one more. But there are so many times when I just don't wanna stay sober, apparently I still think I can dabble in this area and the cost isn't too high. What will it take? What more do I need to lose, how many lonely nights do I need to spend on it before I realize it worthless?

A whole week went by?

I just realized today that my Bible is sitting in the same place on the kitchen table where I laid it last week when I came home from Pure Life. That's not good. I'm looking forward to the meeting tonight, kinda hanging my hat on the hope that there are some answers to be had there, or some solid encouragement from other brothers who really understand what it is to be gripped by this.

I still have wash to do that I said I was gonna do last week, I have been so lazy. Right now I mostly watch TV, play WoW, and climb. It's not much of a life. I do talk to my friends, but I really don't sit down and chill. It seems like the only conversations I have are either about the "struggle" or they are basically secular in nature. I need a deeper connection to the Body, I'm hoping that Pure Life will provide an avenue for that. But I have to be willing to embrace it, set aside the personal insecurities, and just do it.

Secondarily, my gym membership is feeling very lonely. I have not used it since before Christmas. I really need to get back on that horse. Its good for me in so many ways. Improve self-esteem due to improved body-image, better energy, better sleep....and maybe I'll be too tired to wanna let my mind wander in other areas. But even the endorphin substitution provided by exercise could help wean me off the other stuff.

Busy Day

It's been prety busy at work, so I don't really have time to write much now. But I am noticing how being "busy" adversly affects my ability to focus spiritual and emotional energy into this idea of healing and resolving the issues that are in front me.

But I think part of it is laziness, maybe a little bit of fear (fear in the sense of "Who/what will I be, if I don't have this thing that has been part of my life for 20 years). But in the end, the result is the same...I'm still sitting here in about the same place I was last week.

I am really thankfull for the friends that God has put in my life, I have had some great conversations over the past week that I really enjoy, but more so I see God working thru that to encourage me (and I hope encourage them too).

Reality 101

Well, on Friday I was all excited about the prospects of successfully dealing with this 'problem' that I have by pursuing a deeper relationship with God. The reality sets in, you mean I have to work at this? I am so into quick-fixes, as evidenced by my choice of 'stress relief', I have been practicing saying "yes" to myself for so long that when it comes down to actually saying "no" I just skirt the issue. I sit down and wait for myself to give in. Which is exactly what I did this weekend.

I apparently want, above all else, to feel no pain. I run from internal, emotional pain like it was the plague. The problem is the plague CAN kill you, emotional pain (while significant) generally doesn't. It's just the dangerous or destructive coping mechanisms that can hurt you. So I need to understand somewhere deep down in my heart that its okay to hurt, that God has a plan for dealing with whatever I'm feeling. I know that to be true, or at least I keep telling myself that I believe it, but my actions seem to indicate another belief system at work.

Sometimes I really struggle with all this self-reflection and the fact that I am unable to make any significant progress in this area. But more so, I struggle with the fact that I have not experienced the kind of serious loss and pain in life that others have. I made this predicament thru choices of my own.

So I guess the question in life is, "Is it possible for a man to dig a hole so deep that he can't get himself out of it?" The answer is yes. But God apparently knew that and he runs a great side business called the Grace and Forgiveness Excavation and Extraction Company, Jesus Christ CEO.

I think I need to give them a call.

Lying to God

I went to Pure Life last night. Very interestingly mixed group. A former member of the group came and spoke, actually he more lambasted, confronted, and basically scolded the group. But he did it in love (really he did). His real point was that he didn't have a 'porn' problem as much as he had a relationship problem with God. So he couldn't do anything to fix the porn problem, so instead he focused on the realtionship problem. He "sought hard after" God and a meaningfull, daily realtionship with him. Even at the cost of all else.

The group wasn't what I expected, it wasn't what I think I wanted (in my pre-conceived notions), but it is what I got. So I have to beleive that God can use that in my life.

I was thinking this morning about how I lie to God. Ed talked about this at Pure Life. I say, "God, I really love you and I wanna serve You more." Lies. What I really mean is, "God please make my life easy, and allow me to do the things I want to do, and I'll continue to call myself a Christian so you get some credit for it." Ugh. That's not the bargain that the Creator of the Universe had in mind when he sent his only son to die a humiliating, painful death on the cross to pay for my traitorous behaviour (traitorous behaviour is a Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe reference). I've said things like, "God, I'll do anything to be free from this..." lie. I meant, I want to sit here on the couch and have someone else do the heavy lifting for me. "God, I only want to serve You." Lie. I want to get back in the spotlight of ministry, where I could try to convince myself that the "good" I was doing would somehow offset the "bad" that happened elsewhere.

Another thought that occured to me this morning was where God said to Peter, "Do you love me?, then feed my sheep." Hmm, I say I love God, but I may have missed the 'feed my sheep' part. I seem to have gotten the words mixed up, cause I find myself, lusting over his sheep, making coarse jokes with his sheep, peeking under the sheeps wool...but feeding them? I don't think so. I say that I love God, and that may still be true, but I'm not in love with Him. I'm in love with myself and I will use anything, or any sheep (not REAL sheep) to satisfy my perceived needs.

Ed asked, "Are you pursuing a relationship with God with all your heart, mind, and soul?" "Are you really struggling with porn? Don't tell me that you are struggling unless you are up till 2 am reading, praying, and talking REALLY talking to God about life, and being honest with him. No more bullshit." "If you not struggling to get deeper into realtionship with God, than you haven't even begun to struggle against porn (or whatever it is you do)"

Another question that came up was, "How do you handle pain?" I guess those questions are gonna take alot longer to answer, and maybe I shouldn't be so quick to speak...I'd probably be lying anyway.

Crazy Day

So tonight I'm supposed to go to a bible study called Pure Life, it's basically meant for men struggling with sexual issues. I want to go, but I don't want to go. So many perverse thoughts just keep running thru my head. Which is obviously at odds with what the purpose of going to the meeting is.

I was thinking on my way into work this morning. Sexual Addiction is like a runaway nuclear reaction. And me trying to stop the lust, and masturbation without dealing with the core issues that drive to it...is alot like trying to stop the nuclear meltdown with blankets and water. You need the Control Rods to be inserted into the Core. The radiation is a side-effect of the reaction, trying to contain the radiation and not stop the reaction is futile.

I am scared about walking into a room full of strangers, and one of my best defense mechanisms is to talk, I tell stories....I'm good at it. Stories about climbing, camping, the people I've taken places. And in that settign, they are a double defense...I have something to say and I'm trying to prove to you that I haev a life, I'm normal...sorta. So I know that I need to strike a balance, I need to talk enough to be known, but not so much as to fail to hear anyone elses story. I need a place to go every week where they know my name and my stuggle...I need a place where I don't have to hide. I really pray that this can become that place.

Discovery, Disclosure, Distaste

Ugh. This whole idea of first having to grasp the height, breadth, and depth of the issue that you're grappeling with....and then share that sordid mess with others. Ugh.

But ultimately, in that sharing you understand acceptance, you see you are not completely alone in this, you learn that you are not unique in some horrible way...you are human. And this is the condition you find yourself in, it is what it is.

Not that I want to stay that way! But I really do think I enjoy those moments of escape-ism, where you just live in the fantasy. In the fantasy, I'm not 30-something, I'm under 200 pounds, and all the people are beautiful people. It seems so hard to correlate how I'm using that fantasy to control and release the tensions and stress from daily life, and even more-so make up for something I feel that I'm missing. But what is it? Is it something that I was missing years ago, but have since outgrown my need for? I've known love, acceptance, joy, freedom, forgiviness....what is it that I think I don't have? Or is it that this is how I learned to cope when I was missing one of those things, and now its just such an ingrained part of my identity that I don't know how to let go of it. It's like the cast iron pan on the stove, you grabbed the handle when it was cold and as it heated up you just didn't let go....now it' so hot that you know its hurting you, but you've held on for so long you can't make yourself let go.

I know that growing up as a Christian made me say that I wasn't supposed to "have" sex until I am married. And I still beleive that, but I've developed a concurrent beleif that apparently allows me to think its 'okay' to indulge this fantasy life and operate the sexual machinery, as long as I'm alone...its not really sex, is it? So that makes it doubly pitiful...in a world of sex when and where you want it, I hide myself in my house and gorge myself on fantasy. And the World says "dude, its ok...but you need a girlfriend!" But a girlfriend is actually a really scary prospect, I've been performing for so long on a stage for one...the idea of involving a woman in the process, yah I don't know. But I do that would not resolve this issue, it would just become another sexual outlet for me to burn out on.

Paul in Romans talks about wanting to do the right thing, but that he finds the members of his body doing the very things he said he doesn't want to do. Thank you, Paul for being honest.

Lord give me the strength to take hold of the grace that only you can provide.

Scared to say it's true

I have known this for awhile but its really hard to admit it to other people, but I'm pretty sure I struggle with a sexual addiction. This is more than just temptation, this is a coping mechanism that I have adopted to mask deeper issues, and my habits match the addictive cycle pretty closely. Unfortunatley this means this is not something I can effectively deal with on my own, but yet one of the very common traits to a sexual addiction is the isolation that the shame and paranoia forces you into. I need to be diligent to know what voices to listen to when I feel like I just wanna be alone.

I am going to a meeting this Thursday at church called Pure Life. Its basically a support group for people involved in this sort struggle. I am really scared to go...its hard enough to admit this sort of thing over email, but to have show up physically in a room where people might recognize me and ask why I'm there.

Its funny how God chooses to make himself known, this last week I put the Relient K CD back in my player. Its a CD that I've listened to before, but a song that I normally skip really stuck out at me.

"and you said I know that this will hurt

but if I don't break your heart then things will just get worse

If the burden seems too much to bear

Remember the end will justify the pain it took to get us there"

It is so amazingly true of where I find myself, but it offers some hope of a day when I can look back and understand that the end really justifies the pain it took to get us there. I seldom feel like I have teh energy to fight this anymore...but I understand the alternative just sucks. I don't wanna go there, I want a real life back! And the only path that leads there is in a relationship with Christ.

I picked up a book called Out of the Shadows, so far what I've read has been pretty good.

There's always a first one..

I'm not sure where this blog is supposed to go. I guess part of it is that I want people I know to read it and know what I'm thinking, struggling with, and going thru. But on the other hand, I don't want people to know those things because they are painful and emabarrassing.

So how do I decide what to write? I guess we'll just have to see.