Well, on Friday I was all excited about the prospects of successfully dealing with this 'problem' that I have by pursuing a deeper relationship with God. The reality sets in, you mean I have to work at this? I am so into quick-fixes, as evidenced by my choice of 'stress relief', I have been practicing saying "yes" to myself for so long that when it comes down to actually saying "no" I just skirt the issue. I sit down and wait for myself to give in. Which is exactly what I did this weekend.
I apparently want, above all else, to feel no pain. I run from internal, emotional pain like it was the plague. The problem is the plague CAN kill you, emotional pain (while significant) generally doesn't. It's just the dangerous or destructive coping mechanisms that can hurt you. So I need to understand somewhere deep down in my heart that its okay to hurt, that God has a plan for dealing with whatever I'm feeling. I know that to be true, or at least I keep telling myself that I believe it, but my actions seem to indicate another belief system at work.
Sometimes I really struggle with all this self-reflection and the fact that I am unable to make any significant progress in this area. But more so, I struggle with the fact that I have not experienced the kind of serious loss and pain in life that others have. I made this predicament thru choices of my own.
So I guess the question in life is, "Is it possible for a man to dig a hole so deep that he can't get himself out of it?" The answer is yes. But God apparently knew that and he runs a great side business called the Grace and Forgiveness Excavation and Extraction Company, Jesus Christ CEO.
I think I need to give them a call.
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