What I wanna be when I grow up...

What do I want to be when I grow up? That question is a little bit more painful this week....I turned 34 on Monday. And I've been sorta looking at my life, single, never married, have a good job, I play outside doing trips, climbing, camping, canoeing....I don't have a bad life.

But what am I gonna do when I grow up? There are several reasons I feel that I haven't yet "grown up". One I haven't gotten married and settled down, I still haven't finished an official college degree, and I haven't bought a house. All these things that I looked at in my younger years as signs that I would have arrived at the "grown up" stage.

But there are other more sinister signs of my immaturity....I struggle with simple obedience to Christ. Daily spiritual disciplines are a chore. And this area of lustful addictions, that doesn't rank high on my list of growth areas. I'm still in the same rut I fell into when I was 16-17 years old.

All is not lost...God has a plan, and with each passing year I need to make more effort to discern that plan and ask Him for the strength to follow it. I want to be able to look back a year from now and see 34 as a turning point, a year that God used to prepare me for the rest of the years I have left on this spinning rock.

Sodom and Gomorrah

I'm sure there were a few people who lived in Sodom that thought to themselves, "My, how progressive of me to be able to live in this city! I think the architecture is just wonderful, and the theater district....they do such avante garde productions, the open aire markets...it's just like all the other cities isn't it?" Sodom and Gomorrah don't have a very good reputation in biblical history, or regular history for that matter. Genesis 18 and 19

But I can see where people could get sucked in...I mean every place has is darker side...doesn't it? There is always something "less than acceptable" in a city of any size..right? Not according to God, he didn't even find 10 righteous men there to spare the city.

But Lot, who lived there, raised a family there, he knew what the city was like...and he stayed. Why? When the angels told him to flee to the mountains (a common place of refuge, and often where it is said the Lord dwells) he said he couldn't go that far...hmm sound familiar. God says you can't stay here, its not safe for you. But I say Lord, I can't go that far, I'll surely be destroyed! Lot didn't want to leave everything he knew, he knew the city was doomed, but maybe he could just hang around a few cities away....not as bad as Sodom, but I'm sure that Zoar was not a shining city of God. It was too close to Sodom to not be under the influence.

Lots' wife looked back, she wasn't able to fully reject ALL that Sodom represented. So in the end her fate was tied with Sodom.

Am I able to reject ALL that the Sodom of my mind has represented? Have I built my own godless city with parks, and festivals, history, and beautiful architecture? Am I willing to flee to the mountains and take refuge? Or am I hoping to just move a couple cities away...away, but close enough to still look over the hill and see what it used to be? Do I remember my walks in the parks of Sodom with holy disappointment that I was even there, or do I miss the festivals like one longs for an old occasion to be repeated someday? Maybe not live there...but at least go for a visit?

I need to leave my Sodom and Gomorrah and run for the hills...never to look back. Anything from the old city needs to be burned...pictures, memories, phone numbers, addresses, special occasions, dates, friendships...anything that belongs to that city - destroyed. And who did the burning? Yup, fire from Heaven....INCOMING!!!!!!! Burn, Baby, Burn!!!

Headed for the Hills...

God, I hurt...and I need You.

I recently was confronted with some issues from my past. Things that I thought were pretty far gone but have up again. It was tough to hear and even tougher to wonder how to deal with it.

I was pretty emotional and was one of the hardest nights I've had in a long time. I was unable to sleep more than 20 minutes before I would wake up in a sweat. I tried a different approach than my normal self-gratifying release. I actually decided to pray about it! Sounds silly after being a Christian this long...but anyway. I had to pray that God would ease the tension in my stomach and calm the fear in my heart so I could at least fall asleep, and He did. Then I would wake up 20 minutes later, all in a sweat, and I'd have to pray and give it up to God again, basically it went on like this all night. I didn't really eat anything Friday...I was (and still am) pretty emotionally charged over this.

But that night taught me that I can trust God for my emotional needs...of course we know this in our heads, but in my practice I was takign care of my own emotional needs and asking God only for less temptation or for more physical, tangible things. It seems so rudimentary that I would trust God for this, but in the twisted grip of sin our thinking becomes warped. Or at least mine has.

So I've learned a new prayer to utter in moments of emotional desparation, "God, I hurt...and I need You!"