What could possibly be wrong with that? We didn't kiss, there was nothing "sexual" about it.
I beg to differ.
I beg to differ.
This is an area in my life in which I have struggled...ok, still struggle to set boundaries and stick to them. As someone with SSA, I find myself pulled, as if by gravity, to guys around me. Their looks, their humor, their sense of self-confidence....any one of those is enough to set off the radar and make me turn my head. Could be a stranger, but more often it is a friend. Someone I have known or met thru other circles in my life. But ever since I was a teenager I can remember actively pursuing "touch" with or without permission. To clarify, this is about intentional touch, touch that I initiated, or prolonged.
Sounds awful, doesn't it. But it's okay, right? Because I wasn't touching them sexually...
So what do I mean when I say "actively pursuing touch"? Let me give you some examples; In highschool I remember sliding down in my desk so my knee would just touch the guy in front of me, if he didn't move...well, he must be saying its okay, right? Another time, I sat next to a foreign exchange student in some boring school play and let my hand rest against the outside of his thigh...for the entire play! I even had experiences while I was camping of people rolling close to me in their sleep, and I made sure to not move, and not wake them...just so it would last.
It gets worse.
Sounds awful, doesn't it. But it's okay, right? Because I wasn't touching them sexually...
So what do I mean when I say "actively pursuing touch"? Let me give you some examples; In highschool I remember sliding down in my desk so my knee would just touch the guy in front of me, if he didn't move...well, he must be saying its okay, right? Another time, I sat next to a foreign exchange student in some boring school play and let my hand rest against the outside of his thigh...for the entire play! I even had experiences while I was camping of people rolling close to me in their sleep, and I made sure to not move, and not wake them...just so it would last.
It gets worse.
I have had a habit of sexual jokes, but some of it involved physical antics. Butt-slapping, pretend caresses, passionate embraces, rubbing up against people...all in the name of humor. But was it all just a joke?
What about giving a backrub? Come on, everyone likes a backrub! Nothing wrong with that!
Not so fast.
I have given alot of backrubs. I'm trained in First Aid, and am almost always the "go to" guy on trips (camping, canoeing, climbing) for ailments and aches. I simply want to help. Or do I?
What about giving a backrub? Come on, everyone likes a backrub! Nothing wrong with that!
Not so fast.
I have given alot of backrubs. I'm trained in First Aid, and am almost always the "go to" guy on trips (camping, canoeing, climbing) for ailments and aches. I simply want to help. Or do I?
Here's the ugly part.
While the above listed actions could be rationalized away as not crossing any major legal or moral boundaries. Is that the truest telling of the story? What is it about me that is compelled, like a moth to the flame, to touch those around me? And no, all touch is not bad. But if I am honest in me there is almost this vampire-like habit of getting what I "need" from unsuspecting people around me. It's about the condition of my heart. Am I seeking touch from a place of health and balance? Or am I vampire seeking the warmth that only others seem to possess?
Harsh. I know.
If I am ever to get better at relating to the people around me (attractive or not) then I had best be brutally honest about my motivations. I believe that God made me a caring, empathetic person. And healthy 'care-taking' is gift and blessing to those around you. But if I am focusing on how what I do for them will improve our friendship, or I have thoughts of how "our friendship is more special" because of what they allow me to do for them. Or even the simple fact that they do not experience touch in the same way or view it with the same significance as I do, am I being honest by keeping them in the dark? Would they allow the touch if they could see how it affects me? (And I not talking just erections here, the most serious of connections we make outside of physical{sexual} intimacy is emotional.) So for me to pretend that it has no effect on me puts me in a precarious position, lust is crouching at the door, ready to pounce.
While the above listed actions could be rationalized away as not crossing any major legal or moral boundaries. Is that the truest telling of the story? What is it about me that is compelled, like a moth to the flame, to touch those around me? And no, all touch is not bad. But if I am honest in me there is almost this vampire-like habit of getting what I "need" from unsuspecting people around me. It's about the condition of my heart. Am I seeking touch from a place of health and balance? Or am I vampire seeking the warmth that only others seem to possess?
Harsh. I know.
If I am ever to get better at relating to the people around me (attractive or not) then I had best be brutally honest about my motivations. I believe that God made me a caring, empathetic person. And healthy 'care-taking' is gift and blessing to those around you. But if I am focusing on how what I do for them will improve our friendship, or I have thoughts of how "our friendship is more special" because of what they allow me to do for them. Or even the simple fact that they do not experience touch in the same way or view it with the same significance as I do, am I being honest by keeping them in the dark? Would they allow the touch if they could see how it affects me? (And I not talking just erections here, the most serious of connections we make outside of physical{sexual} intimacy is emotional.) So for me to pretend that it has no effect on me puts me in a precarious position, lust is crouching at the door, ready to pounce.
Matt 5:27 "You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery’; 28 but I say to you, that everyone who looks on a woman to lust for her has committed adultery with her already in his heart.
Jesus said it's not about how far I go with him/her...it's about the motivation of my heart.
So these are the questions I need to ask myself:
Why am I going there?
What needs am I attempting to get filled?
Would an emotionally healthy person (who knows my struggles) be okay with this?*
Would I do this in front of other Christians (that I look up to?)
*(just because someone might be okay with it does not automatically make it right)
What needs am I attempting to get filled?
Would an emotionally healthy person (who knows my struggles) be okay with this?*
Would I do this in front of other Christians (that I look up to?)
*(just because someone might be okay with it does not automatically make it right)
Do I crave touch? You bet. Is it ok for me to take it whenever, wherever, and however I want?
No. I need to trust that God has a plan to meet those perceived needs I have in ways that don't compromise healthy boundaries.
Can I look at healthy males and simply mimic what they do? Maybe, maybe not. Why? Because a healthy, straight guy isn't attracted to the guy he's touching...I am, and that makes all the difference. It isn't about them, it's about how this affects me.
