Lying to God

I went to Pure Life last night. Very interestingly mixed group. A former member of the group came and spoke, actually he more lambasted, confronted, and basically scolded the group. But he did it in love (really he did). His real point was that he didn't have a 'porn' problem as much as he had a relationship problem with God. So he couldn't do anything to fix the porn problem, so instead he focused on the realtionship problem. He "sought hard after" God and a meaningfull, daily realtionship with him. Even at the cost of all else.

The group wasn't what I expected, it wasn't what I think I wanted (in my pre-conceived notions), but it is what I got. So I have to beleive that God can use that in my life.

I was thinking this morning about how I lie to God. Ed talked about this at Pure Life. I say, "God, I really love you and I wanna serve You more." Lies. What I really mean is, "God please make my life easy, and allow me to do the things I want to do, and I'll continue to call myself a Christian so you get some credit for it." Ugh. That's not the bargain that the Creator of the Universe had in mind when he sent his only son to die a humiliating, painful death on the cross to pay for my traitorous behaviour (traitorous behaviour is a Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe reference). I've said things like, "God, I'll do anything to be free from this..." lie. I meant, I want to sit here on the couch and have someone else do the heavy lifting for me. "God, I only want to serve You." Lie. I want to get back in the spotlight of ministry, where I could try to convince myself that the "good" I was doing would somehow offset the "bad" that happened elsewhere.

Another thought that occured to me this morning was where God said to Peter, "Do you love me?, then feed my sheep." Hmm, I say I love God, but I may have missed the 'feed my sheep' part. I seem to have gotten the words mixed up, cause I find myself, lusting over his sheep, making coarse jokes with his sheep, peeking under the sheeps wool...but feeding them? I don't think so. I say that I love God, and that may still be true, but I'm not in love with Him. I'm in love with myself and I will use anything, or any sheep (not REAL sheep) to satisfy my perceived needs.

Ed asked, "Are you pursuing a relationship with God with all your heart, mind, and soul?" "Are you really struggling with porn? Don't tell me that you are struggling unless you are up till 2 am reading, praying, and talking REALLY talking to God about life, and being honest with him. No more bullshit." "If you not struggling to get deeper into realtionship with God, than you haven't even begun to struggle against porn (or whatever it is you do)"

Another question that came up was, "How do you handle pain?" I guess those questions are gonna take alot longer to answer, and maybe I shouldn't be so quick to speak...I'd probably be lying anyway.