Ugh. This whole idea of first having to grasp the height, breadth, and depth of the issue that you're grappeling with....and then share that sordid mess with others. Ugh.
But ultimately, in that sharing you understand acceptance, you see you are not completely alone in this, you learn that you are not unique in some horrible way...you are human. And this is the condition you find yourself in, it is what it is.
Not that I want to stay that way! But I really do think I enjoy those moments of escape-ism, where you just live in the fantasy. In the fantasy, I'm not 30-something, I'm under 200 pounds, and all the people are beautiful people. It seems so hard to correlate how I'm using that fantasy to control and release the tensions and stress from daily life, and even more-so make up for something I feel that I'm missing. But what is it? Is it something that I was missing years ago, but have since outgrown my need for? I've known love, acceptance, joy, freedom, forgiviness....what is it that I think I don't have? Or is it that this is how I learned to cope when I was missing one of those things, and now its just such an ingrained part of my identity that I don't know how to let go of it. It's like the cast iron pan on the stove, you grabbed the handle when it was cold and as it heated up you just didn't let go....now it' so hot that you know its hurting you, but you've held on for so long you can't make yourself let go.
I know that growing up as a Christian made me say that I wasn't supposed to "have" sex until I am married. And I still beleive that, but I've developed a concurrent beleif that apparently allows me to think its 'okay' to indulge this fantasy life and operate the sexual machinery, as long as I'm alone...its not really sex, is it? So that makes it doubly pitiful...in a world of sex when and where you want it, I hide myself in my house and gorge myself on fantasy. And the World says "dude, its ok...but you need a girlfriend!" But a girlfriend is actually a really scary prospect, I've been performing for so long on a stage for one...the idea of involving a woman in the process, yah I don't know. But I do that would not resolve this issue, it would just become another sexual outlet for me to burn out on.
Paul in Romans talks about wanting to do the right thing, but that he finds the members of his body doing the very things he said he doesn't want to do. Thank you, Paul for being honest.
Lord give me the strength to take hold of the grace that only you can provide.
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