On Waffle-ing

waffle: " pause or hold back in uncertainty or unwillingness"

I seem to do this at a nearly professional level. I seem to think I want to be healed and free'd from constant acting out in this area. But even on the 'good' days, I still flirt with lust. I have tons of scenarios in my head that play out on the Big Screen of my Head over and over again. It's like giving an 8 year old 3 cans of Mt. Dew, and then telling him to lie down and goto sleep. It just doesn't work so well.

So the key is to not get all hopped up on lustful thoughts and I would have less of problem dealing with some of the physicalness of the temptation. But I also need to be reading, studying, praying more in order to begin to smooth over the ruts that I've allowed to form in my mind.

The other thing I realize is that I objectify people when I do lust. They are the marionettes of my mind, and the sad thing is, it's not usually about what I imagine myself doing, its not my conquests that I seem to desire...I simply observe the conquest of others. This could have roots in low self-esteem (thinking I don't deserve to be the one "in" the action) or it could be from years of looking at porn, in which you are always a 3rd party observer.

All that stuff is focused on me and my problem. But I have been confronted by a couple solid opportunities this week, specific people that I need to meet with. One is a lonely neighbor, and the other is a young new father. I don't know what I have to offer either of them, but it seems that I've gotten some pretty clear calling to at least be in their life and chat with them. I don't need to know the reasons, I just need to go where I'm asked.

So I struggle, I struggle to do what is right, I struggle to not wallow in self-pity, and I struggle with how to be involved and encouraging in other peoples lives when mine is so obviously messed up.


Days = 2