So tonight I'm supposed to go to a bible study called Pure Life, it's basically meant for men struggling with sexual issues. I want to go, but I don't want to go. So many perverse thoughts just keep running thru my head. Which is obviously at odds with what the purpose of going to the meeting is.
I was thinking on my way into work this morning. Sexual Addiction is like a runaway nuclear reaction. And me trying to stop the lust, and masturbation without dealing with the core issues that drive to it...is alot like trying to stop the nuclear meltdown with blankets and water. You need the Control Rods to be inserted into the Core. The radiation is a side-effect of the reaction, trying to contain the radiation and not stop the reaction is futile.
I am scared about walking into a room full of strangers, and one of my best defense mechanisms is to talk, I tell stories....I'm good at it. Stories about climbing, camping, the people I've taken places. And in that settign, they are a double defense...I have something to say and I'm trying to prove to you that I haev a life, I'm normal...sorta. So I know that I need to strike a balance, I need to talk enough to be known, but not so much as to fail to hear anyone elses story. I need a place to go every week where they know my name and my stuggle...I need a place where I don't have to hide. I really pray that this can become that place.
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