grinding it out...

This is a phrase I hear a fellow in recovery say pretty often. Now I think I know why he says it. I've been in a funk these past few days, and have been toying with the ideas of lust too much, getting way too close to the edge of sobriety. And why I am toying with lust, people all around me are suffering.

• A friend is going thru some very tough times in close relationship.
• Another friend is struggling with un-answered prayer.
• One is shipping out to Iraq in April.
• There are "family issues" across the board. (fighting, yelling, threats of being kicked out)
• One is drinking himself silly, for another it's drugs.
• A family's son is faced with a surgery (in Jan) to remove a portion of his brain to control his seizures.

And I wonder if today is a good day to lose myself in some good old fashioned lust and pornography....of course the answer is no. I should not beat myself up because of the temptations that roll thru my head, but I can remind myself that God is calling on me, on us, to "watch and pray". The pain is real, the hurts are there, God we need You. We need You to do what only You can do! We need your Grace, we need your Mercy, we need Your Forgiveness.

O God, give me a heart that would be broken by the hurts I see around me, a heart that would bring these things to you as any child would bring a broken item to his earthy father and say, "Papa, it's broken...will you fix it?" In a child's mind there is no question if Papa can fix it, only will he.

In my brokenness I want God to fix things when I pray. Isn't that what prayer is for, " God, fix this."? There might be a different angle, God may have a different idea. In the garden Jesus prayed for the Father to take this cup from him, but "not my will, by Thy will be done". My will is that everything be peachy and rosey, His will is that we may know Him more deeply and draw the world around us into relationship with the Father so that they may, in turn, know the Father more deeply.

Maybe tonight I need to utter a different prayer;

Papa, you see these things that are broken, lives that are hurting, painful struggles that don't go away, rejection, illness, grave circumstances...I know you can fix it, but will You? And when? But until the when becomes now, would You grant us the strength to deal with life as it is? Upholding your promise never to leave or forsake us, but walking with us thru the very things we are sure will be the death of us. Make Yourself known, be in our midst, be our covering - hide our shame, heal our hearts, strengthen that which has been weak. And the hope we have, we have in You, hope in anything else is fanciful wishing at best.

Not my will, but Thy will be done.....

# days sober = 53