Today I sat outside and ate lunch (greasy McD's burger, horrible I know), while I ate I listened to music on my Ipod. I was sitting on a metal picnic table, on the top level of our 2 story parking garage for work...and the ache in my heart was almost enough to make me cry. I wanted to be anywhere but here.
Here. Where I feel lonely (still) too much of the time. Here. Where I rarely enjoy my day at work, nor do I give my employer the kind of day they prolly enjoy paying me for. Here. Where I am rarely sober for more than a week. Here. Where I am not fully moved in yet, and def not settled. Here. Where I can't even plan a camping trip because I can't walk that far, lift that much, or handle much in the way of elevation gain. Ugh, I hold back the tears as I attempt to type this. My life is not that bad...why do I dislike it so?
The answer is fairly obvious...because I'm not sober, because I'm not connected to the One Source that can bring balance to all this that is here. So that answer is get close to Him, I just feel like I don't know how to do that anymore. That's not true, I prolly know how to do it, I just don't because it involves obedience, patience, living within my means, and stepping out of my fantasy world and living each moment grounded in reality.
It's prolly related, and it's prolly an escape...but I really want to go camping. I just want to be out there, somewhere...prolly because it's anywhere but here.
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