Free to Set Free

So my weekend was not very exciting, no trips, no parties, no outdoor adventures...but it was okay. I went to a meeting Friday night and Saturday morning. I attended church on Sunday and hung out and talked with a friend afterwards. The message on Sunday seemed to be a big underscore to some of the things that God was pointing out on the retreat (last weekend) and just ideas that have been coalescing over the past couple months.

I have always had such shame and guilt over my same sex struggle, hence my strong desire to tell no one more than absolutely necesary. But it seems as if God is pointing towards a different model of disclosure...one that seems to involve a LOT more people than I would really be comfortable with. What I'm learning is that it isn't all about me...there are many people faced with the same struggles, many of whom struggle in painful, lonely silence. And God's heart is not to just heal me so that I might go about my own life in a less deficient or less malformed way, but that He might choose to use me to convey a message of hope and encouragement to a fellow struggler. Not that I am that much further ahead, but more so that God in His great wisdom and compassion for us does not want to leave us to struggle alone (He chooses to give us Hope by whatever means He can). So we are not only set free, just to be free, but that God may use our story of freedom to draw others to freedom in Him. (if I'm understanding my pastor correctly)

My next step appears to be to share my story with my pastor. I need to sit down with my support and get their opinion on this (thursday night) but I can actually see this happening...where there was only fear before. I do still have huge fears about who might hear of this...but I guess I have to trust the God has got my back on this one too.

So this most painful of all secrets in my life, this too can be used for the glory of God? This is a mystery I still find hard to grasp.

days sober = 12