God is in Control???

So lately I've been experiencing alot of stress and difficulty. Some is a result of my own struggles, some is purely external and seemingly unrelated. Even if I choose to ignore it, the truth is....nothing is ever unrelated in God's economy. The most painful issue for me is my lower back, I hernaited a disk in January of 2007, after a long, slow rehab I had begun to feel generally better and had gone back to climbing and generally doing most things without too much restriction. Last week I apparently re-injured my back. Now I am faced with signifigant pain on a daily basis. I can barely put my shoes and socks on in the morning, I have difficulty getting in to my car (because I cannot bend enough to get in properly), I waddle like an old man when I walk, and sitting in a chair (for work) is no relief.

I can barely take care of myself (or so it seems).

So it's in this frame of mind that I hear KLOVE on my ride to work. Where all the songs were about "God is in control", "Hold fast, help is on the way."

I am struggling with this because the pain in my back (not to mention my struggle with addiction), is not driving me closer to God. Instead I retreat inside myself, keeping up the pretenses of interacting with people, but isolated none the less. I still don't take this opportunity to throw myself on the mercy of God and learn that in myself I have no strength, in myself I have no control, in myself I have nothing....I am powerless in the face of life and it's situations.

I hate this pain...I hate that I use it as an excuse to be rude to those around me, I hate that it interferes with the plans the I have for me, I hate that cripples me in a visible way, and that it prevents me from exercising - even if I wanted to. So then I feel trapped, that it will always be this way.

In some ways I am beginning to feel like Job, where systematically everything I hold dear or dream to have or be a part of is being taken away from me. Ministry, relationships, jobs, health, climbing.