So I want to write some form of whitty, yet slighty bitter, semi-sarcastic entry on how and why I find myself sitting in Wisconsin - when by all of my best plans, and self-possesed will, I'm supposed to be sitting on a rock 12,500 ft up Long's Peak. I should be setting up a tent in the Boulderfield in about 2 hours, but in 2 hours I'll be punching out of work. Headed for a meeting with my sponsor, then yet another group meeting. The weather here in WI today is 67 and partly cloudy, it feels like I could be sitting on a Lake in the Boundary Waters, or setting up a tent somewhere.....anywhere...but I'm not. I know this sounds bitter and a bit hopeless, good - at least it reflects what I'm feeling.
Just yesterday I was thinking "wow, I had an alright weekend". Now, I couldn't give a rats-a$$ about the weekend. All I can see is all the things I cannot do because of my back or my addiction. And it sucks, but apparently it doesn't suck so bad that I actually want to DO something about it. It's easier to write a blog about things than it is to make those daily decisions to move toward health and sobriety so that I am not limited in what I can do. And maybe then I won't care so much abotu fulfilling MY dreams, as I will care about finding out what His Will for me is.
But right now, I feel like crap. The truth of it is, that I am not crap, I have friends and family who love me. I recently found a church that was pretty darn welcoming, and I will end up "outside" again. So the trapped, helpless, hopeless feelings...are just that...feelings, they are not the truth, certainly not "the whole truth and nothing but the truth".
So would me standing on the summit tomorrow have had any bearing on my addiction and struggles with same-sex attraction? Doubtful, I'd just have all those same struggles and be breathing alot less percentage of oxygen while I was standing there. Do I really beleive that climbing up 14,000 ft would somehow get me close enough to God so that He'd finally hear me? Cause obviously thats the problem - He can't hear me, cause if He could - He would have resuced me already. He would have come down and made all these nasty thoughts go away, and I would suddenly only want to do the "right thing"....unfortunately, or rather thankfully - God is not Prince Charming and knows far too well that to rescue me is to leave me bent and ill-formed. No, only on the long hike home can the scars and wreckage of my prior years be stretched and straightened into a form more human-like, less hunched. Much like the parable of the man with the shriveled hand, everytime he reached out to do anything - his deformity was painfully obvious...yet Jesus healed him in such a way as to completely overcome the deformity.
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