Exodus

I went to an Exodus Conference this weekend. My worst fears were never realized. I received that which I never expected. And things I couldn't even hope for were bandied about like they were the everyday!

There is no way to explain all of what went on in my head and heart as the weekend unfolded. I have lived since I was young hiding my sexual struggles, the only people that really knew them were people with whom I acted those struggles out. Even while growing up thru high school, college, and all thru the ministry years. What I felt on the inside was never meant to come out. Jekyll and Hyde. And the pain of that war within was slowly killing me. To give in to the temptation was only fleeting relief. Even as things began falling out, and almost up this very point....I have never gone any place where I could truly be 'me' and not fear immediate rejection. Never have I been able to simply accept that I struggle with same sex attractions and let that knowledge be known in any group (other than the clandestine meetings of other addicts seeking recovery, whom are sworn to secrecy and anonymity).

Today I know a freedom I have never experienced. In that time and place, it was okay to be known as one who struggles with this issue. It was like walking into an field hospital....seeing fellow soldiers; all with their own scars, missing limbs, and wounds taken in the battle. But this is not a funeral, this is a place of HEALING. They come here to get well, and the more well look after those just being brought in!!! I could finally talk openly with any number of people about the fact that I have struggled with SSA all my life. I was free, free to be me, free to laugh, and love, and share in the mess that is life.

And in the midst of it is Christ; nodding, pointing, directing my attention to things. Showing me hurts other than my own, allowing me to see with His eyes. My process is so far from complete, I feel like I have barely left the start line. But for a moment, the fog was lifted, my perspective was elevated (zoomed out - if you will), so that He could show me that I am not the only one who hurts. And the He has a plan to heal ALL those hurts, but it's going to take some time, and trust.

And the glaring hypocrisy of me believing that I could marry myself to an image on the screen and the lust in my heart and somehow not have to call it adultery....so now all of my pathetic rationalizations for allowing even those remaining expressions of my secret sin are shown for what they are...offal.

The headiness is scary because it all sounds great, but the truth remains - there is no helicopter coming to pick me up...it's just one foot in front of the other. The journey continues.