Crash and Burn

So this last weekend was a bust as far as attending 30 meetings in 30 days. I have been struggling so hard with this idea. Is it because I cannot let go that I do not pour myself into recovery work, or is it because until a month after my surgery climbing had no real presence in my schedule of events for the previous 6 to 8 months due to my back?

How do I balance participation in ANY aspect of life and still work on recovery? How do I not indentify with anything? Is that even possible? Is it that I don't value recovery as "real life" or the image of what life would look like (work, alone, go home, alone, weeknights, alone, weekends, alone....) too scary to comtemplate? Is it the fantasy of the future trip that keeps me alive? I don't beleive I thought that before....but take it away and I fall apart, what is that? A year ago, I had 83 days of sobriety, and I was climbing....so what is different about the past year where I have been physically sidelined from climbing - yet unable to maintain sobriety of any appreciable number of days.

Is it that I am terrified to be alone with myself? Is the answer to that to be forced to stare into the face of that which terrifies you and not turn away?

Climbing is a source of community, it is a context with which to interact with friends, it is an outlet that encourages physical development in order to better enjoy the activity, it provides an opportuinty to take trips that offer a break from the grind of work (and of life).

I've been accused of living in the pity party mode regarding this. I don't think (at least I dont' beleive that I think) that climbign is the answer to my sobriety...I don't think that more climbing, or climbing at some perfert level would render me suddenly sober, but nor do I beleive that my focus and energies are so consumed by climbing that it is the sole reason I don't do my homework, spend more time in prayer, journaling, meetings, or anythign else recovery related.

What am I doing when I wasn't at a meeting....tv. sitting at home, anything else...so is what I'm doing instead of recovery, or is the fact that I appear willing to sit and do NOTHING rather than work on my recovery?

What is this paralysis of the soul? Depression? Or lack of will? Lack of moral fibre? Simply resistance to doign what is right? Do all these questions imply a complete lack of surrender, or a desire to work this out?

I don't know....I see the counselor in a couple hours...we'll see what he thinks of all my questions.