The ISM factor

Came across a website today...have been feeling sorta low due to a question that was posed to me (that echo's my own questions),

"So you've been at this like 3 years, what is keeping you from having longer sobriety, what is holding you back?"

When I think of the spot I'm in, the amazing amounts of resources I have access to (quality counseling, the number of available meetings, my safe living arrangements) I can't list one specific factor that I would say holds me back...expect "me", I hold me back.

Well I ran into this page that really described how I feel and the situation I find myself in,

The God given balance of my instincts for security, survival, ambition, safety, and protection is threatened;

I exhibit childishness, grandiosity, emotional immaturity and belligerent denial;

The symptoms associated with this maladjustment are manifest in and exacerbated by self-centered fear, and my perception of and reaction to self-centered fear compounds my unmanageability;

The results of my distorted thinking culminate in the deterioration and corruption of my system of beliefs and personal values, which spirals into a gradual, often imperceptible descent into "spiritual depression."

I appear of my power and unaided resources incapable of rationally and reasonably overriding my mind and emotions, the results of which I expose and express in obsessive, compulsive, impulsive, and excessive desires and drives in daily living.

My unrestrained excessive desires gradually develop into demands, resulting in self-defeating behavior that is injurious to myself and others. My behavior engages feelings of guilt, remorse and shame; I feel resentment, self pity and fear.

My self-centered'ness exacerbates feelings of separation. This intensified separation leads me to be consumed with and baffled by feelings of difference, which is to suggest I don’t fit in, belong, or feel a part of; I feel separate from others; I feel abnormal and I often wonder (to myself) "what’s wrong with me, I feel different."

I am maladjusted to life. I vacillate between feelings of inferiority and superiority. I live defensively and guarded. I feel restless, irritable and discontent with life. I am ill-at-ease and subject to self-delusion. I seek consciously or unconsciously an effect which will afford me a sense of relief extemporaneously. Without relief and a solution, I condemn myself to live a continuous, unending frustration of self-will, with an obsessive desire (and drive) to act, feel, and be normal.

So now the key is to accept that this is where I'm at, emotionally at the level of an adolescent. And my addiction is in full-effect as it relates to these things.

Calling a spade...a spade

When do we not call a spade a spade....when we think it might hurt someone's feelings.

In his blog, Love is an Orientation, Andrew's guest blogger Jon shared about his church going, gay family.

What I sense more from the comments to this post(and others) is that "love" and "acceptance" are the highest expressions of Christ that we can emulate. I dont' think that is true. Christ's love drove Him to bridge the gap so that we might gain "acceptance" with our Heavenly Father.

The heart of the debate and I think even the start of any bridge-building must come from a settling of the issue (within ones own heart) as to wether or not "gay is okay". If homosexuality is not a sin, then no one has any right to deny a gay couple anything. They are fully and equally yoked as any straight couple.

But if being gay is not a God-approved expression of love between the same-sexes. Then by what authority is equality demanded, expected, or even offered? We accept the person, just as they are, but we do not need to accept their beleifs in order to love them as Christ loves us.

Running out of lives

If you have known me for any length of time, you've prolly heard everything I'm going to say from me before. But yet again I was in the hot-seat in my bosses office for doing what it is I do best. In this case it is related to my not being to work on time, and basically the acrimonious communications between my boss and I.

I'm at the same spot I always am. This time he said I will face disciplinary action if I am late again. I've reached the end of my 9 lives.

Problem is; I've been here for the past 3 years. And the issue is the same for all the areas of my life. I've been in counseling for 2+ years, and I'm not functionally more sober than a few months after I started. I've been late to work at OA for 6 years. I'm late to most everything I goto (except maybe Adv Rock). I don't take hold of the things I know I need to do to improve my physical, mental, program, or spiritual life.

I know what I am 'supposed" to do...why is it so hard to do it? Am I chronically flawed such that I am unable to? (Doubtful) So then I'm left with the simple fact that I believe I am entitled. I am entitled to be late, not sober, and unhealthy...and then piss and moan about the consequences of those decisions make my life "difficult". Except if you look at it, my life is great...I have a job, insurance, car, decent apartment, church, friends, counseling, family. I get to go places. I have people who are willing to take my phone calls.

I lack for nothing, yet I barely have the will to get out of bed most mornings. I not asking for answers...I just need to let people know where I'm at, and ask them to pray (for whatever God intends to do in my life). I'm going back to the Dr to talk about meds again. I've been on and off meds for depression several times in my life, but maybe there is more going on than I am aware of. But even if it can help level the playing field....my sin is still a choice, my entitlements are directly resultant from a lack of humility. That I am not in control, and am not meant to be...but the petulant child inside of me says, "But I WANT it!!!!", or "I don't FEEL like it!!!!"

So I guess I just figured out what I want to be when I grow up...

...a sober, on-time, humble, helpful, God-fearing, Christian man.