What am I worth?

I had a conversation with a friend and one of the elements he heard in what I was saying was about my worth. Am I worth anything? What makes me worth something? He said that I need to confront the negative messages I hear inside with the fact that I have worth.

The Bible tells us we have worth, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. He died before we had a relationship with Him, so even that is not a measure of my worth. My worth is not even tied to my sobriety, I have the same worth sober or drunk....this is not to say that being sober doesn't matter, but it does not affect the reality of my worth. I have worth inherent in me irregardless of, unconnected to, or in spite of my thoughts, actions, deeds, mis-deeds, failures, successes, friends, relationship with Christ or any lack thereof. I have worth just because I was created by God.

So here goes...I have worth.

For additional insights, I found this article.

Depressed?

I have been feeling blue, actually I've been struggling with depression for years at some level. I ran into a reading from My Utmost for His Highest(feb7) where Chambers states that "If I am depressed or burdened, I am to blame, not God or anyone else. Dejection stems from one of two sources— I have either satisfied a lust or I have not had it satisfied." That is bascially the story of my life! He also pointed out a key fact about prayer, "Whenever we insist that God should give us an answer to prayer we are off track. The purpose of prayer is that we get ahold of God, not of the answer."

"We look for visions from heaven and for earth-shaking events to see God’s power. Even the fact that we are dejected is proof that we do this. Yet we never realize that all the time God is at work in our everyday events and in the people around us. If we will only obey, and do the task that He has placed closest to us, we will see Him." I really see this at work in my life, I want a miracle...but find it a bother to do the daily mundane tasks that are close at hand, forgetting that its not all about the destination, the joy is in the journey.

This does not suddenly mean I will no longer be depressed, but it does show me that God is not to blame for my depression. My desires for things other than God or even the things of God (but I want them now) are to blame.

So the fix? Todays' Utmost for His Highest(sept13) is all about surrender. It isn't until I surrender my will and die to my own selfish desires that the warring within will cease and I will find peace and freedom in Him.

Everybody wants to goto Heaven...but nobody wants to die.

Everybody wants to goto Heaven...but nobody wants to die.

That is a line from a David Crowder song that has been playing in my car for a while. And it really struck me, of course I want to goto Heaven, of course I want to follow Jesus, of course I want to live a christina life, and of course I want to be free from this addiction that threatens to overwhelm me at nearly every turn.

But do I? Am I willing to die? Am I willing to leave everything I know and say "Lord, your will, not mine."

Truth = I don't think so. I haev to look at how I really live my life and say "No, I'm not willing to die" I would hope that I was somewhat closer to that point, but I'm not there yet.

So where does that leave me? Outside of Heaven, cursing the day I thought that this might be for me? No, not if I beleive what the Bible says. But I do have a long way to go in laying down my pride and being humble enough to die. To myself, to my desires, temptations, and wild ideas of how to make it on my own. I need to decrease so that He may increase.

&%$#$@#

I don't know what to write, my mind is in such a jumble. I'm angry, hurt, mad, sad, defensive, offended, depressed, lonely, gggrrhrhhhaaawwhhhgggrhh.

I don't know if it because I have been confronted by a truth I'm not ready to accept or because of the way it was delivered, I'm just not sure.

But I know one thing, my little world has been rocked yet again and I'm in for a long, painful night. Will the shelling ever stop?

Lord help me to turn to You in all of this.