Messy

This article said alot to me. It presents the thought "If a single person cleans out a closet and no one's around to woohoo it, does the accomplishment really count?" I have tried several times in the past month to get ahead of the curve on the cleaning. But alas I'm not making the headway I hoped for.

I was able to do my taxes, only because I need the money...but I don't clean "just for myself", I only clean because I dread what others think when they see me sitting amidst my pile of sheight. Then again its a strong metaphor for how I feel in dealing with my internal stuff too.

And I think the embarassment (read: shame & guilt) of inviting others to sit with me in my stinking pile of sheight, the whole rotting, putrid mess of it...it's too much. But if I don't...I'll die, alone, covered in sheight.

I'm left wondering, am I willing to to do the tough work of recovery just for me? Even if there is no future promise of someone walking into my apartment/life and tellign me what a great job I did.

If no one were to notice my recovery, would I still do it, just for myself?

Happy freakin New Year...

Well it's 2008, and so far it's looking alot like 2007. I'm still doing the things I know I shouldn't, stuck in the fear of change and unable to surrender the very thing that is pulling me under.

A great deal of our lives – the people we want to become, the impact we want to make – is tied not simply to desire, but whether we will exercise disciplined ambition. Desire is simply longing, or wishing. Ambition has to do with such desire becoming focused on an objective, and thus resulting in someone driven toward a particular goal. Discipline has to do with a management of life which results in self-control, orderliness and efficiency. [source]

So, the road to Hell is paved with good intentions! It's not hard to see that I lack discipline, but even tho I cannot go out and buy a couple gallons of discipline. I'm not without hope. I need to take small, actionable, steps towards these goals, ideals, and good habits that I need in order to live a recovered life.

So with that in mind, I found a one-year bible-reading plan that I want to use in my morning quiet time, so that i don't have any excuses that I "didn't know what to read" nor am I just trying to find something that "speaks to me". Rather I follow the predetermined readings and let the Holy Spirit work thru that. (The online reading are in the NLT, of which I am not a big fan, so I just use the references and read in the NIV)

I have alot more action steps I need to take, but this one is pretty low-cost and ultimately can affect the foundations of my very life. So come rain, sleet, snow, hail, flood, famine, war, and or pestilence I pledge to read everyday....

Ok, ok pestilence was a little over the top ;) But you know what I mean.