Anywhere but here.

Today I sat outside and ate lunch (greasy McD's burger, horrible I know), while I ate I listened to music on my Ipod. I was sitting on a metal picnic table, on the top level of our 2 story parking garage for work...and the ache in my heart was almost enough to make me cry. I wanted to be anywhere but here.

Here. Where I feel lonely (still) too much of the time. Here. Where I rarely enjoy my day at work, nor do I give my employer the kind of day they prolly enjoy paying me for. Here. Where I am rarely sober for more than a week. Here. Where I am not fully moved in yet, and def not settled. Here. Where I can't even plan a camping trip because I can't walk that far, lift that much, or handle much in the way of elevation gain. Ugh, I hold back the tears as I attempt to type this. My life is not that bad...why do I dislike it so?

The answer is fairly obvious...because I'm not sober, because I'm not connected to the One Source that can bring balance to all this that is here. So that answer is get close to Him, I just feel like I don't know how to do that anymore. That's not true, I prolly know how to do it, I just don't because it involves obedience, patience, living within my means, and stepping out of my fantasy world and living each moment grounded in reality.

It's prolly related, and it's prolly an escape...but I really want to go camping. I just want to be out there, somewhere...prolly because it's anywhere but here.

Preachin to the Choir

I read this article on Crosswalk.com about how, in many christian churches, it's ok to hate gays. But really we are to see people who struggle with all forms of sexual sin as people who struggle with sin, not the sin they struggle with.

Even tho many things repluse us, how repulsive is the stench of our sin stained hands when we lift them up in praise, all the while hiding judgement and animosity in our hearts. Of which I am completely guilty.

I struggle to see myself as a person and not the tally of good and bad that I have done this week. There's a song out called "My Jesus" that really speaks to a much grittier, more common Jesus who reached into the lives of the hurting in the midst of the sin and pain to show them love.