Passive Deviants

“If you think about it, when someone has a same-sex attraction, whether they act on that attraction or they don’t act on that attraction, they are automatically passive deviants to mainline Christianity.” (quoting from Andrew M. in an interview by CW)

That line TOTALLY resonates with me. I feel THAT!!!! And it has been a source of intense shame for me in my christian walk.

To speak the Truth in love.

I am re-posting a comment I left on another blog, not sure if that is bad form in the blog-o-sphere...but it is my blog, so I'll do what I want :)

Here is my response to this post "Another Denomination and Gay Ordination" by Andrew Marin of the Marin Foundation. You might read the original post first so you get a feel for what I'm responding to, but the comment also articulates for me my position in this ongoing debate over taking a public stand on this issue. Here's the link to John Pipers blog post that got the natives all riled up in the first place.

Anyway, here's what I said...

I have read this blog for a while, listened to Andrew speak, and basically dug around to see what I could see for myself. And after all that...I'm still unconvinced that 'bridge-building' is God's main message. Jesus didn't come to make sure that no one was poor, even tho he had compassion for them. He didn't even tell slaves that beleived in Him that they were now free, even tho he must have spoken to and saw hundreds in his ministry years.

So this comment thread is supposedly about the ELCA decision and Pipers "rant". But it still turns into a "how dare he say such vile things". Are we allowed to call our doctor a bigot for telling us that our diet is killing us? So it seems like the comments run along "party lines"...if you are a 'bridge-builder' you feel bad that someone issued a harsh statement condemning the open, unrepentant practice of homosexuality. If you are in Pipers camp (or even the outskirts), you say he's is just supporting a reasoned and accurate interpretation of scripture. After which, all the "bridge-builders" sigh and shake their heads at us unenlightened simpletons who are stuck in the dark-ages and have not achieved this new level of 'maturity' regarding such important identity issues as sexual orientation.

I, for one, am tired of it. Before you write me off...hear me out. I AM a struggler. I have lived with homosexual attractions since I was young. I have experimented, embraced, suppressed, rejected, and/or lamented over them at different times in my life. I have felt the terror of letting anyone in my church know of my secret struggles, I have felt the sting of actual rejection, even when it was only theorized that this might be what I struggle with.

So what if you build a bridge? So what if you come sit with me in my sack-cloth and ashes and tell me how sorry you are for all those "meanies" out there who don't understand the issue? Fact is....I still have an issue that I need to work out...either God is or is not for open homosexual relations among His Creation or He is not.

Does God love me? You darn betcha. Does He forgive me, even if I never stop lusting after every half-attractive, 20-something that walks past me? Again, a resounding YES! Does the Church have a long, long way to go in learning how to deal lovingly with others whom they don't understand and do not share the exact same set of doctrines? YES! But does God potentially love me so much that He is unwilling to leave me in the same condition he found me? Even if I think I'm pretty comfortable with it?

But is watering down the issue, by not taking a biblical stand and honestly conveying that, the answer? I don't think so. Is there no room for approaching the LGBT person (not the Community) with the premise that I can love and relate to you as a person, and we can talk about God loves and relates to us as individuals. And if you ask me, I will honestly tell you that a "gay" lifestyle isn't God's 'best' for you...but only because I love and care about you as a whole person would I say that. 'Cause if I just wanted to be popular and loved by lots of people...I'd stick with, "I'm not sure what God really meant, but it's okay for you to be you and we'll celebrate that instead!"

So rip on Piper all you want...he's just doing his job. Are you sure you are doing yours?

To merge, or not to merge...

My counselor threw out a word that has been rattling around in my head. It relates to my pattern of needing people to "go with me" into the middle of my despair, loneliness, whatever drama is going on at the moment.

(n) merging: the act of joining together as one

As I said in the previous post, I really felt like i did not fit in (still do). So it makes sense that this is a big part of my issue. I'm trying to puzzle out how to walk in that tension between trying to merge and trying to yield to appropriate relational boundaries.

His comment was originally related to a regular, everyday situation and my very emotional response to it, but it also sheds light on my struggles with SSA. In fact, it highlights that I can still be operating out of my broken desires to see my needs met thru illegitimate means, even if I'm not trying (consciously/actively) to be sexual with that other person.

Tracking the source

As a kid I did not feel like anyone was there for me emotionally. I was left to deal with my feelings on my own. So in thinking about this void and legitimate need that went unmet, I came across a blog post that articulated what I see as my progression into struggling with homosexuality.

It should be no surprise, then, that when a person longs for intimacy with another, that longing may include a desire to share sexual pleasure. For most people, that longing is directed toward members of the opposite sex. Normal development usually includes, as stated earlier, an early phase of bonding with the same sex. By the time this need for same-sex bonding has been satisfied and the child is ready for relations with the opposite sex, he is also entering puberty with its accompanying sexual drives. Perfect timing! Right when we’re emotionally prepared for romantic love, our bodies are following suit.

But what happens when we’re not emotionally prepared for relationships with the opposite sex? What if, by the time we reach puberty, our need for same-sex love is still unsatisfied and predominant? Our bodies won’t wait for our emotions to catch up. Instead, we may develop strong sexual desires which may cross, like wires, with our emotional needs. In that case, the emotional need for closeness and identification with other people of our sex becomes a sexualized need, with members of our own sex being the object of both our sexual and emotional desires.

......

It probably started with your perceptions. You began to see yourself as a child without resources. You know better than I exactly what resources you were lacking: affirmation, attention, a figure to identify with, or maybe a combination of all three. You couldn’t articulate it back then; you only knew that something was missing. And that “something” probably centred around a need for stronger bond with those of your own sex. Maybe you felt different from your peers or alienated from one or both of your parents, most noticeably the one of your own gender. That hurt, no doubt. You wanted closeness; you felt distance. You can’t really say, perhaps, who is to bless or who is to blame. Maybe there was obvious rejection; maybe not. But the result is the same either way.

Maybe you responded by withdrawing, creating your own world of safety and fantasy. Or perhaps you simply waited for someone special to love you and take care of you. You may even have become angry, resolving to never again let yourself feel hurt or rejected by another member of your own sex. Each of these responses affected your relationships with other boys/girls and, eventually, with other men and women. You felt different from them, too. They may never have known your feelings of differentness, but you were all too aware of them. They persisted, giving rise to an aching desire to bond, to be close, to feel accepted.

At some point, perhaps very early, maybe later, you realized that this desire was more than emotional. It was accompanied by sexual longings. Most likely, you were aware of those longings before you even knew what homosexuality was. Then one day you heard the word queer or fag, pondered its meaning, put two and two together, and realized you were one of “them.” It became your secret, most likely difficult to keep and even more difficult to bear. You didn’t ask for these feelings, but you learned that they were unacceptable to most people. That didn’t encourage you to talk them over with anyone, even those closest to you. Your secret became your private burden, one you carried for years. Perhaps even to this day.

So for you, homosexuality, whether expressed through actions or fantasies, represents legitimate emotional needs that have not been satisfied through normal means. You are not mentally ill, reprobate, or retarded. In fact, you may be a highly capable adult who functions well in most areas. But at some point you have found deep satisfaction through homosexual feeling.

<http://thetruthsetsyoufree.wordpress.com/sexualization-of-emotional-needs/>

Ugh this is so hard to put out there. But I need to, otherwise I will keep interacting with everyone I meet using all the unhealthy methods of relating that I have secretly used my whole life. It makes me think of a term that a fellow struggler shared, "emotionally handicapped", but that is a whole other post in and of itself!