Characteristics of the sensitive soul:

• They are very emotionally sensitive and are deeply moved by the emotions of others around them.
• They are inherently drawn toward beauty, structure, order, symmetry, intimate relating, color, texture, expression of feelings, and the natural and spiritual worlds around them.
• They have a tendency to believe they are somehow connected to everything around them and often feel they effect or can impact their world both in subtle and grand ways.
• They sometimes are viewed as self-absorbed and even egocentric or selfish by others.
• They are intuitive feelers and deep thinkers.
• They often contemplate things deeply and for days and can be strongly moved by
• subtleties that others would not recognize.
• They see detail and notice nuance more than others.
• They are moved with strong emotions of passion, desire, pain, hurt, and love.
• They often are highly sensitive to feelings in general and can sometimes be overwhelmed by highly stimulating situations where the stimuli are coming from multiple sources at the same time.
• They are often loners and enjoy spending large amounts of time alone.
• They often escape to alternative realities they create or ones that have been created through video games, movies, or reading books.
• They are highly creative and desire an outlet to express their creativity

excerpted from LivingHope.org "Parenting the Sensitive Soul"

The Manhattan Declaration

"We acknowledge that there are those who are disposed towards homosexual and polyamorous conduct and relationships, just as there are those who are disposed towards other forms of immoral conduct. We have compassion for those so disposed; we respect them as human beings possessing profound, inherent, and equal dignity; and we pay tribute to the men and women who strive, often with little assistance, to resist the temptation to yield to desires that they, no less than we, regard as wayward. We stand with them, even when they falter. We, no less than they, are sinners who have fallen short of God’s intention for our lives. We, no less than they, are in constant need of God’s patience, love and forgiveness. We call on the entire Christian community to resist sexual immorality, and at the same time refrain from disdainful condemnation of those who yield to it. Our rejection of sin, though resolute, must never become the rejection of sinners. For every sinner, regardless of the sin, is loved by God, who seeks not our destruction but rather the conversion of our hearts. Jesus calls all who wander from the path of virtue to "a more excellent way."
excerpt from The Manhattan Declaration

I read this and thought that it was a good summation of the stance I hold regarding the struggles in my own life. But even moreso, I hope that it can become the stance that the greater Church, at large, can adopt in relating to those who struggle, and even fall.

Passive Deviants

“If you think about it, when someone has a same-sex attraction, whether they act on that attraction or they don’t act on that attraction, they are automatically passive deviants to mainline Christianity.” (quoting from Andrew M. in an interview by CW)

That line TOTALLY resonates with me. I feel THAT!!!! And it has been a source of intense shame for me in my christian walk.

To merge, or not to merge...

My counselor threw out a word that has been rattling around in my head. It relates to my pattern of needing people to "go with me" into the middle of my despair, loneliness, whatever drama is going on at the moment.

(n) merging: the act of joining together as one

As I said in the previous post, I really felt like i did not fit in (still do). So it makes sense that this is a big part of my issue. I'm trying to puzzle out how to walk in that tension between trying to merge and trying to yield to appropriate relational boundaries.

His comment was originally related to a regular, everyday situation and my very emotional response to it, but it also sheds light on my struggles with SSA. In fact, it highlights that I can still be operating out of my broken desires to see my needs met thru illegitimate means, even if I'm not trying (consciously/actively) to be sexual with that other person.

Tracking the source

As a kid I did not feel like anyone was there for me emotionally. I was left to deal with my feelings on my own. So in thinking about this void and legitimate need that went unmet, I came across a blog post that articulated what I see as my progression into struggling with homosexuality.

It should be no surprise, then, that when a person longs for intimacy with another, that longing may include a desire to share sexual pleasure. For most people, that longing is directed toward members of the opposite sex. Normal development usually includes, as stated earlier, an early phase of bonding with the same sex. By the time this need for same-sex bonding has been satisfied and the child is ready for relations with the opposite sex, he is also entering puberty with its accompanying sexual drives. Perfect timing! Right when we’re emotionally prepared for romantic love, our bodies are following suit.

But what happens when we’re not emotionally prepared for relationships with the opposite sex? What if, by the time we reach puberty, our need for same-sex love is still unsatisfied and predominant? Our bodies won’t wait for our emotions to catch up. Instead, we may develop strong sexual desires which may cross, like wires, with our emotional needs. In that case, the emotional need for closeness and identification with other people of our sex becomes a sexualized need, with members of our own sex being the object of both our sexual and emotional desires.

......

It probably started with your perceptions. You began to see yourself as a child without resources. You know better than I exactly what resources you were lacking: affirmation, attention, a figure to identify with, or maybe a combination of all three. You couldn’t articulate it back then; you only knew that something was missing. And that “something” probably centred around a need for stronger bond with those of your own sex. Maybe you felt different from your peers or alienated from one or both of your parents, most noticeably the one of your own gender. That hurt, no doubt. You wanted closeness; you felt distance. You can’t really say, perhaps, who is to bless or who is to blame. Maybe there was obvious rejection; maybe not. But the result is the same either way.

Maybe you responded by withdrawing, creating your own world of safety and fantasy. Or perhaps you simply waited for someone special to love you and take care of you. You may even have become angry, resolving to never again let yourself feel hurt or rejected by another member of your own sex. Each of these responses affected your relationships with other boys/girls and, eventually, with other men and women. You felt different from them, too. They may never have known your feelings of differentness, but you were all too aware of them. They persisted, giving rise to an aching desire to bond, to be close, to feel accepted.

At some point, perhaps very early, maybe later, you realized that this desire was more than emotional. It was accompanied by sexual longings. Most likely, you were aware of those longings before you even knew what homosexuality was. Then one day you heard the word queer or fag, pondered its meaning, put two and two together, and realized you were one of “them.” It became your secret, most likely difficult to keep and even more difficult to bear. You didn’t ask for these feelings, but you learned that they were unacceptable to most people. That didn’t encourage you to talk them over with anyone, even those closest to you. Your secret became your private burden, one you carried for years. Perhaps even to this day.

So for you, homosexuality, whether expressed through actions or fantasies, represents legitimate emotional needs that have not been satisfied through normal means. You are not mentally ill, reprobate, or retarded. In fact, you may be a highly capable adult who functions well in most areas. But at some point you have found deep satisfaction through homosexual feeling.

<http://thetruthsetsyoufree.wordpress.com/sexualization-of-emotional-needs/>

Ugh this is so hard to put out there. But I need to, otherwise I will keep interacting with everyone I meet using all the unhealthy methods of relating that I have secretly used my whole life. It makes me think of a term that a fellow struggler shared, "emotionally handicapped", but that is a whole other post in and of itself!

A Mother's Love

Today is my Mom's birthday. I called and left a message wishing her a "Happy Birthday" and said that I loved her. And it's true, I do love her but our relationship has a long way to go still.

This past Friday I chose to share with her my experiences and thoughts regarding the recent Exodus Conference I attended. This is the first time I have spoken to her directly about SSA struggles. I believe that she was nominally aware of them via my step-Dad and by the token that I was going an Exodus conference. I shared with her that I had struggled with this since I was 10 or 11. And that Exodus and their ministry is exactly what I and the Church needs. I also shared that while this struggle has been one of my deepest darkest secrets, God may be asking me to be willing to share my story in some more public fashion.

Her response? To say the Bible says it's a sin, even that it says this is a worse sin than others, and that I should consider how damaging me sharing my struggles could be to others. Case in point; she hoped I was not planning on telling my Aunts and Uncles about any of this because she "wouldn't be able to face them, they would think we were terrible parents".

That hurt.

It's not that I expected an amazingly positive, modern, mature christian response from her. But apparently I was hoping for a bit more understanding than I got. But I guess the whole point of sharing with her was to not have to hide my feelings and struggles from my own family. Mom has always been pretty distant, functional, but not warm and cuddly. I remember coming home from school (more than once) to find just-made chocolate chip cookies cooling on the counter. Mom was there to serve up cookies and milk...but no conversation. I ate in silence.

I'm not sure how all this ties in my addiction, SSA struggles, or what not. And I'm not sure it even matters, but what matters is that I get it out and don't have the toxic effects of it continuing to erode my insides.

Note: This is a small vignette of my interactions with my Mom. She is and has been a very hard working, dedicated, single mother (from my age 4 to 10). She has done the best she could with what she had (mentally, emotionally, physically) at the time. But I have to acknowledge where it wasn't enough...some of my needs went unmet (maybe still do). The process of working this out is proving to be pretty difficult, and I'm sure this was a tough for her to process. With God's help, hopefully she will, in time, begin to accept my struggle and what God may decide to do with it and/or me.

Who are you? And what are you doing here?

One of the first questions at the Exodus Conference that really struck me was asked by Alan Chambers in his opening address.

"Who are you? And what are you doing here?"

This question really resonates with me on so many levels. In the past I have tried to answer that question by where I was. I'm in church - I must be a "christian", I'm helping the youth group - I'm a "youth leader", or I'm into a particular sport - THAT must be who I am. And in truth most people only knew me in the context of those roles. It gave me the "rules" I needed to know to act appropriately within that construct, but I was terrified that I would be discovered, that my secret would get out (he's one of THOSE!!!).

But without those rules to play by, the question becomes even more important.

"Who am I? And what am I doing here?"

I have allowed people and circumstances to say who I am (gay, pervert, failure, useless) but who has the power to truly name me? Who can discern my true nature and name that?

Only the One who created me.

So I need to ask Him, "Who do You say that I am?" When those old voices want to tell me who they think I am, I need to go back to God and ask Him to remind me again who He says I am. This may seem like a very basic idea for some, but for me this is something I really struggle with.

# days sober = 30

Exodus 2009 - Make us One

I had the awesome privilege of attending my first Exodus Conference in Wheaton, IL. this past week. I will have to take bits of it and develop them into different blog posts - simply because I could not possibly get it all into one.

So I'll just start with the overall impression of the conference, my first formal introduction to Exodus, and meeting many of its key players.

I guess what really struck me is the humility and honesty with which Alan Chambers opened the first evening. This wasn't "Change Camp", nor was it promised that your struggles with SSA would be "greatly reduced" it you just followed these "17 simple steps". What was emphasized throughout the week was that God is glorified and Christ in formed in us during the 'process'. He has a plan and purpose, change is possible - but change may not look like you expected it to.

All very nice catch phrases, but the conference workshops and subsequent speakers fleshed these ideas out with practical applications and exhortations to pursue Christ and healing would come as byproduct of that pursuit.

There are several key areas that God spoke directly to me on, namely in my unforgiviness of self, my disbelief of God ever using me again, and a barrier that I felt was affecting my ability to connect with God.

And if that wasn't enough...there were the people! I have read some posts from individuals who feel that gathering a bunch of SSA strugglers in one place is like the "blind leading the blind" (Heaven forbid that we let sinners actually get together on a regular basis....oh no...we call that CHURCH). It actually was the Church that met there this week, the Body of Christ, doing what it supposed to. Loving, laughing, binding up hurts, teaching, correcting, worshipping...it was all there. In almost any church service I have been in (for years) I have felt that "If they only knew....they wouldn't want me here". The lie is straight from the Pit and this conference was chance to participate freely in worship and have the power of that lie broken. They DO know, and I'm STILL welcome!

# of days sober = 25