A Mother's Love

Today is my Mom's birthday. I called and left a message wishing her a "Happy Birthday" and said that I loved her. And it's true, I do love her but our relationship has a long way to go still.

This past Friday I chose to share with her my experiences and thoughts regarding the recent Exodus Conference I attended. This is the first time I have spoken to her directly about SSA struggles. I believe that she was nominally aware of them via my step-Dad and by the token that I was going an Exodus conference. I shared with her that I had struggled with this since I was 10 or 11. And that Exodus and their ministry is exactly what I and the Church needs. I also shared that while this struggle has been one of my deepest darkest secrets, God may be asking me to be willing to share my story in some more public fashion.

Her response? To say the Bible says it's a sin, even that it says this is a worse sin than others, and that I should consider how damaging me sharing my struggles could be to others. Case in point; she hoped I was not planning on telling my Aunts and Uncles about any of this because she "wouldn't be able to face them, they would think we were terrible parents".

That hurt.

It's not that I expected an amazingly positive, modern, mature christian response from her. But apparently I was hoping for a bit more understanding than I got. But I guess the whole point of sharing with her was to not have to hide my feelings and struggles from my own family. Mom has always been pretty distant, functional, but not warm and cuddly. I remember coming home from school (more than once) to find just-made chocolate chip cookies cooling on the counter. Mom was there to serve up cookies and milk...but no conversation. I ate in silence.

I'm not sure how all this ties in my addiction, SSA struggles, or what not. And I'm not sure it even matters, but what matters is that I get it out and don't have the toxic effects of it continuing to erode my insides.

Note: This is a small vignette of my interactions with my Mom. She is and has been a very hard working, dedicated, single mother (from my age 4 to 10). She has done the best she could with what she had (mentally, emotionally, physically) at the time. But I have to acknowledge where it wasn't enough...some of my needs went unmet (maybe still do). The process of working this out is proving to be pretty difficult, and I'm sure this was a tough for her to process. With God's help, hopefully she will, in time, begin to accept my struggle and what God may decide to do with it and/or me.