Another Slip

For those of you new to my blog, I have been part of a 12 step recovery program (Sexaholics Anonymous) for almost 2.5 years and I have been keeping track of my sobriety*.

Until today I had 32 days of sobriety (consecutive). That ended this morning. Nothing too hideous, morbid, or illegal...heck there wasn't even porn involved. But there doesn't have to be for it to be a problem for me. The trigger this time was feeling 'less than' compared to some friends I interacted with over the weekend. That led to fantasy and ultimately to acting out. There is also a thread of pride/entitlement in there, the idea that "I can manage this. I won't go all the way. It's ok to allow this thought/fantasy to roll around in my head". I did more than let the fantasies in - I welcomed them, all the while saying to myself, "I should be able to handle this."

Obviously, I was wrong.

Now begins the process of revealing my 'slip' to my sponsor, program fellows, and close accountability people. This is the part where I want to run and hide. I can't, at least not if I want to pursue a healthier way of dealing with life than I had chosen in the past. Most of all I need to run to Jesus, my Saviour. I struggle with that too. But I don't have a choice, He is the only one who can help me.

# days sober = 0

* SA sobriety is defined as "no sex with ourselves and no sex with any partner other than the spouse"