What's in a Touch?

Sitting close to someone. A brush of the leg or the arm. Cuddling.

What could possibly be wrong with that? We didn't kiss, there was nothing "sexual" about it.

I beg to differ.

This is an area in my life in which I have struggled...ok, still struggle to set boundaries and stick to them. As someone with SSA, I find myself pulled, as if by gravity, to guys around me. Their looks, their humor, their sense of self-confidence....any one of those is enough to set off the radar and make me turn my head. Could be a stranger, but more often it is a friend. Someone I have known or met thru other circles in my life. But ever since I was a teenager I can remember actively pursuing "touch" with or without permission. To clarify, this is about intentional touch, touch that I initiated, or prolonged.

Sounds awful, doesn't it. But it's okay, right? Because I wasn't touching them sexually...

So what do I mean when I say "actively pursuing touch"? Let me give you some examples; In highschool I remember sliding down in my desk so my knee would just touch the guy in front of me, if he didn't move...well, he must be saying its okay, right? Another time, I sat next to a foreign exchange student in some boring school play and let my hand rest against the outside of his thigh...for the entire play! I even had experiences while I was camping of people rolling close to me in their sleep, and I made sure to not move, and not wake them...just so it would last.

It gets worse.

I have had a habit of sexual jokes, but some of it involved physical antics. Butt-slapping, pretend caresses, passionate embraces, rubbing up against people...all in the name of humor. But was it all just a joke?

What about giving a backrub? Come on, everyone likes a backrub! Nothing wrong with that!

Not so fast.

I have given alot of backrubs. I'm trained in First Aid, and am almost always the "go to" guy on trips (camping, canoeing, climbing) for ailments and aches. I simply want to help. Or do I?

Here's the ugly part.

While the above listed actions could be rationalized away as not crossing any major legal or moral boundaries. Is that the truest telling of the story? What is it about me that is compelled, like a moth to the flame, to touch those around me? And no, all touch is not bad. But if I am honest in me there is almost this vampire-like habit of getting what I "need" from unsuspecting people around me. It's about the condition of my heart. Am I seeking touch from a place of health and balance? Or am I vampire seeking the warmth that only others seem to possess?

Harsh. I know.

If I am ever to get better at relating to the people around me (attractive or not) then I had best be brutally honest about my motivations. I believe that God made me a caring, empathetic person. And healthy 'care-taking' is gift and blessing to those around you. But if I am focusing on how what I do for them will improve our friendship, or I have thoughts of how "our friendship is more special" because of what they allow me to do for them. Or even the simple fact that they do not experience touch in the same way or view it with the same significance as I do, am I being honest by keeping them in the dark? Would they allow the touch if they could see how it affects me? (And I not talking just erections here, the most serious of connections we make outside of physical{sexual} intimacy is emotional.) So for me to pretend that it has no effect on me puts me in a precarious position, lust is crouching at the door, ready to pounce.

Matt 5:27 "You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery’; 28 but I say to you, that everyone who looks on a woman to lust for her has committed adultery with her already in his heart.

Jesus said it's not about how far I go with him/her...it's about the motivation of my heart.

So these are the questions I need to ask myself:

Why am I going there?
What needs am I attempting to get filled?
Would an emotionally healthy person (who knows my struggles) be okay with this?*
Would I do this in front of other Christians (that I look up to?)

*(just because someone might be okay with it does not automatically make it right)

Do I crave touch? You bet. Is it ok for me to take it whenever, wherever, and however I want?

No. I need to trust that God has a plan to meet those perceived needs I have in ways that don't compromise healthy boundaries.

Can I look at healthy males and simply mimic what they do? Maybe, maybe not. Why? Because a healthy, straight guy isn't attracted to the guy he's touching...I am, and that makes all the difference. It isn't about them, it's about how this affects me.

Disease or Choice?

The power of addiction cannot be adequately appraised until addiction is understood as a misguided enactment of our quest for right relationship with God.

Kent Dunnington. Addiction and Virtue: Beyond the Models of Disease and Choice (Strategic Initiatives in Evangelical Theology) (Kindle Locations 81-82). Kindle Edition.

This brick house of a statement is found in the preface of this book that I have only just started reading. Obviously the topic is of personal interest for me, being both Christian and Addict. If my addictive behaviors are simply sinful choices....then I am just a bad person who chooses to sin continuously. But if they are an 'addiction', something that I am afflicted with, then perhaps I have no choice in the matter - or if I do have a choice it is so unfair a fight as to make Don Quixote seem sane in believing he can joust a windmill.

As Dunnigton suggests, the truth lies closer to the middle. It looks like a pretty technical read, but its high time I pursued more than just sugar-coated recovery and begun to expose the insides to the light of truth.

Sexual sin is a heart that doesn’t trust God.

"Sexual sin basically says, “I can’t trust God to meet these needs. I can’t trust God to provide these needs in the way that he chooses, therefore, I need to go outside of his provision” —whether that’s through the internet and looking at women in ways you should never look at them, masturbation, sleeping around—it’s really saying, “You’re not true, God. I can’t trust you to be good. I have these desires and urges in the moment, and I need to go take care of them because I can’t trust you to.” So I think that’s really the heart of sexual sin. It’s a heart that doesn’t trust God. It’s a heart that, instead of worshipping the God who is trustworthy, who knows our every need, and who’s good to provide what we really need, we commit idolatry and say, “I need to worship sex instead of you, God."  (from Dave Bruska)

Ran across this today.  And it hit me like a ton of brinks.  Not that I haven't come to the same conclusion before, but simply because it re-reminds me that I have issues...specifically a trust issue.


I don't trust God.

Holy crap.

The God who made the Universe, the God who designed DNA, laminin, quarks, black holes,  the God who knew me in my mothers womb, the God who sent his ONLY Son to die for my sins, the God who has relentlessly pursued me with his grace....THAT's the guy I don't trust?


Well, I usually say that I trust God...but what I say and what I do don't always line up.  So I have to see again that my repeated return to lust as a coping mechanism robs God of his rightful place in my life.  His place is as Provider, Sustainer, Healer, Counselor, Friend, and Savior.  I have let lust come in and occupy most/all of those roles in some fashion or another.

What’s difficult about sexual sin is it has a unique shame factor to it. It’s just a downward spiral. And what happens when you commit sexual sin is you typically withdraw from the things you need the most, whether that’s first and foremost Jesus, and his people, and so, it’s just a downward spiral, it’s a really downward spiral. But it’s an issue of the heart. And the good news is Jesus changes hearts. (also from Dave Bruska)

Thank God for Good News.

And now...the rest of the story.

My Testimony

I was a sensitive, emotional kid. The second son of a young couple who divorced by the time I was 4 years old. Mom did the best she could as a single-mom in the late 70’s, working 2^nd and 3^rd shift jobs. We saw our Dad about one weekend a month; he was always faithful in picking us up, and eager to spend time with us when we were staying with him. Both of my Grandfathers had passed away by the time I was seven. My older brother and I were not close and I don’t remember having any significant male friends during those years. Mom worked very hard but, in struggling to deal with her own issues, was not emotionally available to me.

At around 10 years old both my Mom and my Dad got remarried. My step-Mother and my step-Father were caring people who treated me the same as any natural parent would. I looked to my new step-father for the male affection that I had been starved of so far in life. And while he cared and provided for his new family; he did not seem to understand me. I was talkative, not sports oriented, read a lot of books, and generally found odd bits of information fascinating…almost as fascinating as being able to share those newfound bits with the adults around me. In Junior High, I struggled to be accepted in the small Christian school I was attending. I struggled at home to live up to the expectations of becoming a good Christian boy. And in the midst of this, I also struggled with a growing sexual interest in the guys around me.

Escapism and fantasy were not foreign concepts to me. I had learned to utilize them to occupy myself in the years since the divorce. I could play endlessly with Lego’s, read books till I was nearly cross-eyed, and dream about far-away places for hours. I can’t tell you a specific date or instance that I remember as the ‘turning point’ in my sexual development, but my craving for male affirmation, coupled with the sexual discoveries of puberty, has fueled my struggle with same-sex attraction ever since.

I identified as a Christian from 5^th grade on but still wondered how I could think and/or do the stuff I was doing and actually be a Christian. My desperate need for approval even colored how I approached God. I never internalized that I was accepted just as I was, not because of what I did. My stated beliefs were that God is all-loving, all-powerful, kind, and accepts me just as I am. My operational beliefs told me that I needed to be good in order to have God really bless me, that the things I struggled with were ‘different’, and that God did not view them the same as other sins.

Jr. and Sr. High were not my most memorable years. Suffice it to say, I was not popular, and my attempts at sports were not encouraging. Even though I was involved in theater, and attended our church youth group, I never felt fully accepted. I was very alone and desperately wanted NOT to be. The thought patterns, experiences, and habits formed during that time hardened into deeply imbedded attractions, patterns of coping, and a set of false beliefs that would undermine any efforts of self-will to overcome.

After graduating high school, I attended a very conservative, Christian college in Virginia. I had hoped that something I could learn or do there would be the key to overcoming these un-wanted attractions. Despite those high hopes, my lusting and struggles continued the entire time. For my sophomore year, I left Virginia and attended UW-Milwaukee. I was diagnosed with clinical depression during that same year. I turned again to lust, fantasy, and sex (with other guys) to escape the reality that life was hard, and I wasn’t able to handle it on my own.

The following year I began attending a large church, a church where I would eventually find some connection, get involved in peer ministries, and even become a volunteer youth leader. As a youth leader, I thought I had found my calling, my purpose in life. The un-cool kid was now the cool guy to hang out with. I was able to connect, to relate, to listen, and to speak. And as I did well in ministry, the affirmations flowed. I began to think that this is what would make God and others proud of me.

Even though I had stopped having sex, my struggles with pornography and masturbation continued, and I dare not tell anyone. I could and did share about other stuff, but I always withheld that last bit of information, the true nature of my struggle. I agonized over it; cried over it, pleaded with God to heal me, take it away, take me away, something, anything! But still the attraction remained. Here I was trying to do HIS work, what I thought HE asked me to, what others told me I was ‘gifted’ for, and yet He appeared unwilling to heal me of this. This hated part of me that I was sure would cause everyone to reject me once they found out. So I hid; I kept silent, and I continued to die inside.

My inner life was in chaos. Attempting to bear the weight of it alone; the shame, guilt, fear, self-loathing – was all too much. I wanted to perform well, to please God and the people around me. I wanted to be accepted and loved in a way that touched the deep longings I felt inside, but didn’t know how. For many years I believed that I was a failure as a “Christian”, I obviously didn’t pray enough, love God enough, or try hard enough. The chaos continued; depression, addiction to pornography, and hopelessness characterized my life; the severity of which I hid from nearly everyone. The depths of my failures, the crushing weight of shame, and the full story of how God has worked to draw me close to Him again would take hours to share. But I will at least tell you how God has brought me here, sharing my story with you.

In the summer of 2006 I attended a men’s group where I learned the name of a counselor. That counselor encouraged me to pursue recovery in a 12 step group for sexual addiction; he later pointed me towards an Exodus affiliated ministry (now called The Grace Place) to receive support in my struggle with SSA. It is within those safe environments that I have begun to accept that I am a beloved man of God who happens to struggle with SSA. That, as a young kid, I tried to satisfy legitimate emotional and spiritual needs in ways that I could never have known would further entrench this struggle in my life. It is through acceptance of my condition, and the hope that God can and does work – even in this area - that has turned the tide in my life.

Am I “healed”? No. I am still "in process", but even on its’ worst days…this is far better than the shell of a life I used to live. I don’t have all the answers; why do I still struggle, will I ever be married, will I struggle with this my whole life? I don’t know. But what I do know is that I have to place my trust in the only one who has the power to raise the dead to life again. If death is no obstacle for Him, then I can have hope that my struggles are not either.

"Then the Lord said to him, 'Take off your sandals; the place where you are standing is holy ground. I have indeed seen the oppression of my people in Egypt. I have heard their groaning and have come down to set them free.' Acts 7:33-34a (NIV)

God sees our oppression, God hears our groaning, and God has come to set us free. Freedom, for me, is not the absence of SSA. It is that I am now free to admit that this is my struggle. That I am now free to share that fact with others. And that I now know that this struggle does not define me, nor does it disqualify me from all of the love, grace, and forgiveness that God has pre-apportioned for my life.