Well, today is my 30th day of sobriety. I have been working program and recovery related items for the past year (I can't beleive it's a year). And today is the first time I have had 30 continuous days of sobriety in a row. This is only possible thru the power and grace of God. Notwithstanding all the people and resources He has placed in my life to facilitate this process.
I really expected to wake up today and hear the birds singing, the sun would be shining, doves would fly off my balcony...in truth, it's raining, I got woke up early by work related issues, and today looks like it will just like any other day.
And there's no magic in the 30th day where suddenly I don't feel tempted to Lust, or that the people, places, and things I have lusted over in the past no longer have a hold on me. But that is reality, and reality is never as good as fantasy...just a whole lot more sustainable.
So, I'm not unhappy with my 30th day of Sobriety. I'm just coming to see the reality of it. I might have wished for more...but this is what it is. Thank God that He has brought me this far, and I need to trust that He has plans to bring me much, much farther.
Thank you to those of you who have been faithfully sharing this journey with me.
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Monday, April 09, 2007
Resurrection...The Day After
It occurred to me today that while I call myself a Christian, and I speak of the resurrection of Jesus as a settled fact within the framework of my beliefs...do I live differently today because of that?
For the most part; yes...but no. Do I do life in such a way that people are drawn to Christ? I can speak about Christ, but how many people come up to me and say you have qualities and aspects about your life that I want to have, what's your secret?
The answer? No one. At least not anyone in my "regular" life. I realize that I live a very meager existence as a Christian. I live on the fringes of joy, clinging desperately to little shreds of hope. Instead of living confident in the completed work of Christ on the cross.
This is not all bad, in the sense that no one lives the "life" perfectly. And that I have years to grow and learn more about Christ and how to relate to him in an ever deepening and more personal way. But I also have to realize the part that past sins (and some current ones) play in undermining the hope and confidence that God desires for His children to have.
So what do I do with this knowledge? I need to find concrete ways to put it in practice. How I respond to people at work is the only way that they know me...and my brusque responses are not winning me any popularity contests. I have look at how I view my current struggles, and I am defeated and forlorn, or should I seek to be more encouraged by God's persistence with me.
I was reminded this weekend that my internal beliefs have little value unless they become external attitudes and actions that bring honor and glory to Christ's name. I saw a commercial that indicated "....apparently execution does account for something". Also in James, it talks about faith without deeds being dead, so action (for me) is the working out of what I know into the realm of what I do.
But I need to be really careful, lest what I do become a smoke-screen for what I don't know.
For the most part; yes...but no. Do I do life in such a way that people are drawn to Christ? I can speak about Christ, but how many people come up to me and say you have qualities and aspects about your life that I want to have, what's your secret?
The answer? No one. At least not anyone in my "regular" life. I realize that I live a very meager existence as a Christian. I live on the fringes of joy, clinging desperately to little shreds of hope. Instead of living confident in the completed work of Christ on the cross.
This is not all bad, in the sense that no one lives the "life" perfectly. And that I have years to grow and learn more about Christ and how to relate to him in an ever deepening and more personal way. But I also have to realize the part that past sins (and some current ones) play in undermining the hope and confidence that God desires for His children to have.
So what do I do with this knowledge? I need to find concrete ways to put it in practice. How I respond to people at work is the only way that they know me...and my brusque responses are not winning me any popularity contests. I have look at how I view my current struggles, and I am defeated and forlorn, or should I seek to be more encouraged by God's persistence with me.
I was reminded this weekend that my internal beliefs have little value unless they become external attitudes and actions that bring honor and glory to Christ's name. I saw a commercial that indicated "....apparently execution does account for something". Also in James, it talks about faith without deeds being dead, so action (for me) is the working out of what I know into the realm of what I do.
But I need to be really careful, lest what I do become a smoke-screen for what I don't know.
Thursday, April 05, 2007
Anger
Wow, I am feeling pretty bummed right now.
I am frustrated over a laptop thing at work, I am really mad about a stupid copier my boss agreed to install to pacify a user. We make decisions around here for all the wrong reasons.
I am mad about all the things I can't control. I am mad about the mess both figurativily and physically I find myself sitting in the middle of.
I am mad when I wake up, I am mad when I goto bed. I am mad that I feel this way. I hate my job today, I hate the fact that I need it more than they need me.
I am mad that back still hurts, I am frustrated at my lack of consistency to implement the exercises that might make a difference. I hate where I'm at, but I fail to move to be someplace else.
I want someone to take care of me, then I resent the idea that I am so helpless as to be unable take care of myself.
Let's face it, I'm just mad...and that is just maddening.
I am frustrated over a laptop thing at work, I am really mad about a stupid copier my boss agreed to install to pacify a user. We make decisions around here for all the wrong reasons.
I am mad about all the things I can't control. I am mad about the mess both figurativily and physically I find myself sitting in the middle of.
I am mad when I wake up, I am mad when I goto bed. I am mad that I feel this way. I hate my job today, I hate the fact that I need it more than they need me.
I am mad that back still hurts, I am frustrated at my lack of consistency to implement the exercises that might make a difference. I hate where I'm at, but I fail to move to be someplace else.
I want someone to take care of me, then I resent the idea that I am so helpless as to be unable take care of myself.
Let's face it, I'm just mad...and that is just maddening.
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