The ISM factor

Came across a website today...have been feeling sorta low due to a question that was posed to me (that echo's my own questions),

"So you've been at this like 3 years, what is keeping you from having longer sobriety, what is holding you back?"

When I think of the spot I'm in, the amazing amounts of resources I have access to (quality counseling, the number of available meetings, my safe living arrangements) I can't list one specific factor that I would say holds me back...expect "me", I hold me back.

Well I ran into this page that really described how I feel and the situation I find myself in,

The God given balance of my instincts for security, survival, ambition, safety, and protection is threatened;

I exhibit childishness, grandiosity, emotional immaturity and belligerent denial;

The symptoms associated with this maladjustment are manifest in and exacerbated by self-centered fear, and my perception of and reaction to self-centered fear compounds my unmanageability;

The results of my distorted thinking culminate in the deterioration and corruption of my system of beliefs and personal values, which spirals into a gradual, often imperceptible descent into "spiritual depression."

I appear of my power and unaided resources incapable of rationally and reasonably overriding my mind and emotions, the results of which I expose and express in obsessive, compulsive, impulsive, and excessive desires and drives in daily living.

My unrestrained excessive desires gradually develop into demands, resulting in self-defeating behavior that is injurious to myself and others. My behavior engages feelings of guilt, remorse and shame; I feel resentment, self pity and fear.

My self-centered'ness exacerbates feelings of separation. This intensified separation leads me to be consumed with and baffled by feelings of difference, which is to suggest I don’t fit in, belong, or feel a part of; I feel separate from others; I feel abnormal and I often wonder (to myself) "what’s wrong with me, I feel different."

I am maladjusted to life. I vacillate between feelings of inferiority and superiority. I live defensively and guarded. I feel restless, irritable and discontent with life. I am ill-at-ease and subject to self-delusion. I seek consciously or unconsciously an effect which will afford me a sense of relief extemporaneously. Without relief and a solution, I condemn myself to live a continuous, unending frustration of self-will, with an obsessive desire (and drive) to act, feel, and be normal.

So now the key is to accept that this is where I'm at, emotionally at the level of an adolescent. And my addiction is in full-effect as it relates to these things.

Calling a spade...a spade

When do we not call a spade a spade....when we think it might hurt someone's feelings.

In his blog, Love is an Orientation, Andrew's guest blogger Jon shared about his church going, gay family.

What I sense more from the comments to this post(and others) is that "love" and "acceptance" are the highest expressions of Christ that we can emulate. I dont' think that is true. Christ's love drove Him to bridge the gap so that we might gain "acceptance" with our Heavenly Father.

The heart of the debate and I think even the start of any bridge-building must come from a settling of the issue (within ones own heart) as to wether or not "gay is okay". If homosexuality is not a sin, then no one has any right to deny a gay couple anything. They are fully and equally yoked as any straight couple.

But if being gay is not a God-approved expression of love between the same-sexes. Then by what authority is equality demanded, expected, or even offered? We accept the person, just as they are, but we do not need to accept their beleifs in order to love them as Christ loves us.

Running out of lives

If you have known me for any length of time, you've prolly heard everything I'm going to say from me before. But yet again I was in the hot-seat in my bosses office for doing what it is I do best. In this case it is related to my not being to work on time, and basically the acrimonious communications between my boss and I.

I'm at the same spot I always am. This time he said I will face disciplinary action if I am late again. I've reached the end of my 9 lives.

Problem is; I've been here for the past 3 years. And the issue is the same for all the areas of my life. I've been in counseling for 2+ years, and I'm not functionally more sober than a few months after I started. I've been late to work at OA for 6 years. I'm late to most everything I goto (except maybe Adv Rock). I don't take hold of the things I know I need to do to improve my physical, mental, program, or spiritual life.

I know what I am 'supposed" to do...why is it so hard to do it? Am I chronically flawed such that I am unable to? (Doubtful) So then I'm left with the simple fact that I believe I am entitled. I am entitled to be late, not sober, and unhealthy...and then piss and moan about the consequences of those decisions make my life "difficult". Except if you look at it, my life is great...I have a job, insurance, car, decent apartment, church, friends, counseling, family. I get to go places. I have people who are willing to take my phone calls.

I lack for nothing, yet I barely have the will to get out of bed most mornings. I not asking for answers...I just need to let people know where I'm at, and ask them to pray (for whatever God intends to do in my life). I'm going back to the Dr to talk about meds again. I've been on and off meds for depression several times in my life, but maybe there is more going on than I am aware of. But even if it can help level the playing field....my sin is still a choice, my entitlements are directly resultant from a lack of humility. That I am not in control, and am not meant to be...but the petulant child inside of me says, "But I WANT it!!!!", or "I don't FEEL like it!!!!"

So I guess I just figured out what I want to be when I grow up...

...a sober, on-time, humble, helpful, God-fearing, Christian man.

Passive Deviants

“If you think about it, when someone has a same-sex attraction, whether they act on that attraction or they don’t act on that attraction, they are automatically passive deviants to mainline Christianity.” (quoting from Andrew M. in an interview by CW)

That line TOTALLY resonates with me. I feel THAT!!!! And it has been a source of intense shame for me in my christian walk.

To speak the Truth in love.

I am re-posting a comment I left on another blog, not sure if that is bad form in the blog-o-sphere...but it is my blog, so I'll do what I want :)

Here is my response to this post "Another Denomination and Gay Ordination" by Andrew Marin of the Marin Foundation. You might read the original post first so you get a feel for what I'm responding to, but the comment also articulates for me my position in this ongoing debate over taking a public stand on this issue. Here's the link to John Pipers blog post that got the natives all riled up in the first place.

Anyway, here's what I said...

I have read this blog for a while, listened to Andrew speak, and basically dug around to see what I could see for myself. And after all that...I'm still unconvinced that 'bridge-building' is God's main message. Jesus didn't come to make sure that no one was poor, even tho he had compassion for them. He didn't even tell slaves that beleived in Him that they were now free, even tho he must have spoken to and saw hundreds in his ministry years.

So this comment thread is supposedly about the ELCA decision and Pipers "rant". But it still turns into a "how dare he say such vile things". Are we allowed to call our doctor a bigot for telling us that our diet is killing us? So it seems like the comments run along "party lines"...if you are a 'bridge-builder' you feel bad that someone issued a harsh statement condemning the open, unrepentant practice of homosexuality. If you are in Pipers camp (or even the outskirts), you say he's is just supporting a reasoned and accurate interpretation of scripture. After which, all the "bridge-builders" sigh and shake their heads at us unenlightened simpletons who are stuck in the dark-ages and have not achieved this new level of 'maturity' regarding such important identity issues as sexual orientation.

I, for one, am tired of it. Before you write me off...hear me out. I AM a struggler. I have lived with homosexual attractions since I was young. I have experimented, embraced, suppressed, rejected, and/or lamented over them at different times in my life. I have felt the terror of letting anyone in my church know of my secret struggles, I have felt the sting of actual rejection, even when it was only theorized that this might be what I struggle with.

So what if you build a bridge? So what if you come sit with me in my sack-cloth and ashes and tell me how sorry you are for all those "meanies" out there who don't understand the issue? Fact is....I still have an issue that I need to work out...either God is or is not for open homosexual relations among His Creation or He is not.

Does God love me? You darn betcha. Does He forgive me, even if I never stop lusting after every half-attractive, 20-something that walks past me? Again, a resounding YES! Does the Church have a long, long way to go in learning how to deal lovingly with others whom they don't understand and do not share the exact same set of doctrines? YES! But does God potentially love me so much that He is unwilling to leave me in the same condition he found me? Even if I think I'm pretty comfortable with it?

But is watering down the issue, by not taking a biblical stand and honestly conveying that, the answer? I don't think so. Is there no room for approaching the LGBT person (not the Community) with the premise that I can love and relate to you as a person, and we can talk about God loves and relates to us as individuals. And if you ask me, I will honestly tell you that a "gay" lifestyle isn't God's 'best' for you...but only because I love and care about you as a whole person would I say that. 'Cause if I just wanted to be popular and loved by lots of people...I'd stick with, "I'm not sure what God really meant, but it's okay for you to be you and we'll celebrate that instead!"

So rip on Piper all you want...he's just doing his job. Are you sure you are doing yours?

To merge, or not to merge...

My counselor threw out a word that has been rattling around in my head. It relates to my pattern of needing people to "go with me" into the middle of my despair, loneliness, whatever drama is going on at the moment.

(n) merging: the act of joining together as one

As I said in the previous post, I really felt like i did not fit in (still do). So it makes sense that this is a big part of my issue. I'm trying to puzzle out how to walk in that tension between trying to merge and trying to yield to appropriate relational boundaries.

His comment was originally related to a regular, everyday situation and my very emotional response to it, but it also sheds light on my struggles with SSA. In fact, it highlights that I can still be operating out of my broken desires to see my needs met thru illegitimate means, even if I'm not trying (consciously/actively) to be sexual with that other person.

Tracking the source

As a kid I did not feel like anyone was there for me emotionally. I was left to deal with my feelings on my own. So in thinking about this void and legitimate need that went unmet, I came across a blog post that articulated what I see as my progression into struggling with homosexuality.

It should be no surprise, then, that when a person longs for intimacy with another, that longing may include a desire to share sexual pleasure. For most people, that longing is directed toward members of the opposite sex. Normal development usually includes, as stated earlier, an early phase of bonding with the same sex. By the time this need for same-sex bonding has been satisfied and the child is ready for relations with the opposite sex, he is also entering puberty with its accompanying sexual drives. Perfect timing! Right when we’re emotionally prepared for romantic love, our bodies are following suit.

But what happens when we’re not emotionally prepared for relationships with the opposite sex? What if, by the time we reach puberty, our need for same-sex love is still unsatisfied and predominant? Our bodies won’t wait for our emotions to catch up. Instead, we may develop strong sexual desires which may cross, like wires, with our emotional needs. In that case, the emotional need for closeness and identification with other people of our sex becomes a sexualized need, with members of our own sex being the object of both our sexual and emotional desires.

......

It probably started with your perceptions. You began to see yourself as a child without resources. You know better than I exactly what resources you were lacking: affirmation, attention, a figure to identify with, or maybe a combination of all three. You couldn’t articulate it back then; you only knew that something was missing. And that “something” probably centred around a need for stronger bond with those of your own sex. Maybe you felt different from your peers or alienated from one or both of your parents, most noticeably the one of your own gender. That hurt, no doubt. You wanted closeness; you felt distance. You can’t really say, perhaps, who is to bless or who is to blame. Maybe there was obvious rejection; maybe not. But the result is the same either way.

Maybe you responded by withdrawing, creating your own world of safety and fantasy. Or perhaps you simply waited for someone special to love you and take care of you. You may even have become angry, resolving to never again let yourself feel hurt or rejected by another member of your own sex. Each of these responses affected your relationships with other boys/girls and, eventually, with other men and women. You felt different from them, too. They may never have known your feelings of differentness, but you were all too aware of them. They persisted, giving rise to an aching desire to bond, to be close, to feel accepted.

At some point, perhaps very early, maybe later, you realized that this desire was more than emotional. It was accompanied by sexual longings. Most likely, you were aware of those longings before you even knew what homosexuality was. Then one day you heard the word queer or fag, pondered its meaning, put two and two together, and realized you were one of “them.” It became your secret, most likely difficult to keep and even more difficult to bear. You didn’t ask for these feelings, but you learned that they were unacceptable to most people. That didn’t encourage you to talk them over with anyone, even those closest to you. Your secret became your private burden, one you carried for years. Perhaps even to this day.

So for you, homosexuality, whether expressed through actions or fantasies, represents legitimate emotional needs that have not been satisfied through normal means. You are not mentally ill, reprobate, or retarded. In fact, you may be a highly capable adult who functions well in most areas. But at some point you have found deep satisfaction through homosexual feeling.

<http://thetruthsetsyoufree.wordpress.com/sexualization-of-emotional-needs/>

Ugh this is so hard to put out there. But I need to, otherwise I will keep interacting with everyone I meet using all the unhealthy methods of relating that I have secretly used my whole life. It makes me think of a term that a fellow struggler shared, "emotionally handicapped", but that is a whole other post in and of itself!