What am I worth?

I had a conversation with a friend and one of the elements he heard in what I was saying was about my worth. Am I worth anything? What makes me worth something? He said that I need to confront the negative messages I hear inside with the fact that I have worth.

The Bible tells us we have worth, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. He died before we had a relationship with Him, so even that is not a measure of my worth. My worth is not even tied to my sobriety, I have the same worth sober or drunk....this is not to say that being sober doesn't matter, but it does not affect the reality of my worth. I have worth inherent in me irregardless of, unconnected to, or in spite of my thoughts, actions, deeds, mis-deeds, failures, successes, friends, relationship with Christ or any lack thereof. I have worth just because I was created by God.

So here goes...I have worth.

For additional insights, I found this article.

Depressed?

I have been feeling blue, actually I've been struggling with depression for years at some level. I ran into a reading from My Utmost for His Highest(feb7) where Chambers states that "If I am depressed or burdened, I am to blame, not God or anyone else. Dejection stems from one of two sources— I have either satisfied a lust or I have not had it satisfied." That is bascially the story of my life! He also pointed out a key fact about prayer, "Whenever we insist that God should give us an answer to prayer we are off track. The purpose of prayer is that we get ahold of God, not of the answer."

"We look for visions from heaven and for earth-shaking events to see God’s power. Even the fact that we are dejected is proof that we do this. Yet we never realize that all the time God is at work in our everyday events and in the people around us. If we will only obey, and do the task that He has placed closest to us, we will see Him." I really see this at work in my life, I want a miracle...but find it a bother to do the daily mundane tasks that are close at hand, forgetting that its not all about the destination, the joy is in the journey.

This does not suddenly mean I will no longer be depressed, but it does show me that God is not to blame for my depression. My desires for things other than God or even the things of God (but I want them now) are to blame.

So the fix? Todays' Utmost for His Highest(sept13) is all about surrender. It isn't until I surrender my will and die to my own selfish desires that the warring within will cease and I will find peace and freedom in Him.

Everybody wants to goto Heaven...but nobody wants to die.

Everybody wants to goto Heaven...but nobody wants to die.

That is a line from a David Crowder song that has been playing in my car for a while. And it really struck me, of course I want to goto Heaven, of course I want to follow Jesus, of course I want to live a christina life, and of course I want to be free from this addiction that threatens to overwhelm me at nearly every turn.

But do I? Am I willing to die? Am I willing to leave everything I know and say "Lord, your will, not mine."

Truth = I don't think so. I haev to look at how I really live my life and say "No, I'm not willing to die" I would hope that I was somewhat closer to that point, but I'm not there yet.

So where does that leave me? Outside of Heaven, cursing the day I thought that this might be for me? No, not if I beleive what the Bible says. But I do have a long way to go in laying down my pride and being humble enough to die. To myself, to my desires, temptations, and wild ideas of how to make it on my own. I need to decrease so that He may increase.

&%$#$@#

I don't know what to write, my mind is in such a jumble. I'm angry, hurt, mad, sad, defensive, offended, depressed, lonely, gggrrhrhhhaaawwhhhgggrhh.

I don't know if it because I have been confronted by a truth I'm not ready to accept or because of the way it was delivered, I'm just not sure.

But I know one thing, my little world has been rocked yet again and I'm in for a long, painful night. Will the shelling ever stop?

Lord help me to turn to You in all of this.

Media Fast

So today is an okay day, but I think I must've not paid my DISH bill recently because I think I have alot less channels available to me this morning!!! Like I only have the NASA education channel and one home shopping thing. Which made me think, hmmm, I'm not doing well at keeping up on my bills very well, but secondly...what if I don't NEED t.v.? I mean actually don't need t.v. That is a big step for me....t.v. is like my other roomate, it's just noise, but occasionally fun to have around. I always have the t.v. on, when I'm on the computer the t.v. is on, when i'm eating it's in front of the t.v., if I'm in the other room doing dishes...yep the t.v. is on. Thats a whole lot of t.v. and not a whole lot of quiet. I think it's the quiet that scares me. I am so afraid of being alone with myself, I'm not entirely sure why...I guess I'm afraid of actually having to 'feel' lonely. I know I am but if I'm distracted enough maybe I don't have to feel it.

So I'm considering a t.v. fast. I'm not sure for how long maybe 30 days, nor am I sure it needs to be a total blackout...just the fact that I don't have service to my house is good. I need to see how long I can keep my equipment and still restart service later. Someone out there is saying, "why not just not have cable anymore?". Those people must not live alone in Wisconsin in the winter! But if I can do this for some time to focus on the issues at hand and commit more time to reading instead of just being zoned out on the couch. I'll still have music, and I still have Internet so I can communicate with people and such.

So I'd appreciate your prayer regarding this, it seems like a small thing but I sorta think that it is just the start of peeling away the protective layers of noise and activity that I have tried to cover myself with.

The Mansion

I need to work on my personal time with God, it's almost like having a rich benefactor...I am willing to go and ask for help (I'm desperate) but I feel too ashamed to stay for dinner. He is willing to help me with the immediate needs but He laid out a place for me at the table, He wants to talk, there is a room upstairs prepared for me, I can stay. But I feel too ashamed, it's too nice, I feel too dirty in His presense to stay very long. So I leave and trudge along the cold lane, while He stands at the door and watches me, knowing He could help, knowing He has so much more to offer, and knowing He will not force me to stay.

When will I realize that I was born for this house? When will I learn that it's where I belong, not because of what I bring, but because I'm related to Him.

So I need to get back to that point were I'm comfortable just being in His presence, not ashamed, just understanding that He desires to do more than just meet my needs...He desires to be in relationship with me. Salvation is only the start of the relationship, grace makes the relationship possible, but if salvation and grace are the only two elements...then I'm really missing the best parts.

Losing my grip

24Then Jesus said to his disciples, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. 25For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it. 26What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul?

Matt 16:24-26

I've not written for awhile, I've just been sorta rocked by some things that are happening. I really feel like I'm losing my grip on life, or at least what I've called "life" these past few years. I'm not the man I tried to convince myself that I was. My faith is much weaker than I thought possible. I've traded parts of me away in a horrible bargain of avoidance.

Pain, loneliness, unsatisfied, hungry, empty...is this what I'm trying to hold on to? I'm scared what the future will bring, why do I distrust so much?

A friend said to me "Romanticise Purity"(sp). I've obviously idolized the opposite. I need to trade in my life for one that God designed, one that works.

Lord, help me lose my grip.