So lately I've been experiencing alot of stress and difficulty. Some is a result of my own struggles, some is purely external and seemingly unrelated. Even if I choose to ignore it, the truth is....nothing is ever unrelated in God's economy. The most painful issue for me is my lower back, I hernaited a disk in January of 2007, after a long, slow rehab I had begun to feel generally better and had gone back to climbing and generally doing most things without too much restriction. Last week I apparently re-injured my back. Now I am faced with signifigant pain on a daily basis. I can barely put my shoes and socks on in the morning, I have difficulty getting in to my car (because I cannot bend enough to get in properly), I waddle like an old man when I walk, and sitting in a chair (for work) is no relief.
I can barely take care of myself (or so it seems).
So it's in this frame of mind that I hear KLOVE on my ride to work. Where all the songs were about "God is in control", "Hold fast, help is on the way."
I am struggling with this because the pain in my back (not to mention my struggle with addiction), is not driving me closer to God. Instead I retreat inside myself, keeping up the pretenses of interacting with people, but isolated none the less. I still don't take this opportunity to throw myself on the mercy of God and learn that in myself I have no strength, in myself I have no control, in myself I have nothing....I am powerless in the face of life and it's situations.
I hate this pain...I hate that I use it as an excuse to be rude to those around me, I hate that it interferes with the plans the I have for me, I hate that cripples me in a visible way, and that it prevents me from exercising - even if I wanted to. So then I feel trapped, that it will always be this way.
In some ways I am beginning to feel like Job, where systematically everything I hold dear or dream to have or be a part of is being taken away from me. Ministry, relationships, jobs, health, climbing.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Monday, February 18, 2008
A Waste of Suffering
I just listened to a message from Mark Driscoll (Mars Hill - Seattle) on Suffering. He underscored that all suffereing is allowed by God (or else it wouldn't happen), not all suffering is caused by sin, and that suffering should not be "wasted".
Wasted???? As in not taken advantage of, as in thrown away without reaping the benefits, as in suffering might be a good thing???? Is he nuts? Well maybe, but I understood his point. The worth/benefit of the situation I find myself in, (whether as a result of my rebellious choices, or an external, uncontrollable set of circumstances) is completely determined by my response to it.
He stated that in suffering we can be drawn closer to God, that it is analogous to a nail. The harder you hit a nail, the deeper it is driven. We are called to be like nails, we do not enjoy the impact of the hammer, but we can be thankful that the hammer is driving us deeper. This is the "joy" response....not joy as in "happy, happy, joy, joy" but the kind of joy that says, "This hurts, but I am glad that God has not forsaken me. This is tough, but I am thankful that God is taking care of me even in the midst of it".
For me, I struggle with the "joy" response. How can I be happy that I made so many wrong choices that have now resulted in my being an addict? How can I even begin to say that I "suffer" as a christian....I am not Paul persecuted for preaching the gospel, I am not a martyr being tortured for not renouncing their faith in Christ...no my suffering is due to my own sinful willfulness run amock.
So how do I live so as to not "waste" my suffering? Do I let the hammer blows of life drive me deeper in? Or do I bend like a nail that refuses to be driven, now useless until it is pried up and straightened, only to be driven again. Cute pictures, but how do I live this in the real world? How do I remind myself 'in the moment' that this is an important choice to my sobriety, and whether or not I'm "wasting" my suffering?
Wasted???? As in not taken advantage of, as in thrown away without reaping the benefits, as in suffering might be a good thing???? Is he nuts? Well maybe, but I understood his point. The worth/benefit of the situation I find myself in, (whether as a result of my rebellious choices, or an external, uncontrollable set of circumstances) is completely determined by my response to it.
He stated that in suffering we can be drawn closer to God, that it is analogous to a nail. The harder you hit a nail, the deeper it is driven. We are called to be like nails, we do not enjoy the impact of the hammer, but we can be thankful that the hammer is driving us deeper. This is the "joy" response....not joy as in "happy, happy, joy, joy" but the kind of joy that says, "This hurts, but I am glad that God has not forsaken me. This is tough, but I am thankful that God is taking care of me even in the midst of it".
For me, I struggle with the "joy" response. How can I be happy that I made so many wrong choices that have now resulted in my being an addict? How can I even begin to say that I "suffer" as a christian....I am not Paul persecuted for preaching the gospel, I am not a martyr being tortured for not renouncing their faith in Christ...no my suffering is due to my own sinful willfulness run amock.
So how do I live so as to not "waste" my suffering? Do I let the hammer blows of life drive me deeper in? Or do I bend like a nail that refuses to be driven, now useless until it is pried up and straightened, only to be driven again. Cute pictures, but how do I live this in the real world? How do I remind myself 'in the moment' that this is an important choice to my sobriety, and whether or not I'm "wasting" my suffering?
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
Is Anybody Out There???
I am finding that I am crippled, by loneliness...
It seems that even if I have a great time hanging out with someone, or a group, the fact of the matter is I go home alone. Ok, so I understand on a logical level that I am not alone. I have family and friends who care about me, I am part of a group of guys committed to dealing with the same issue of addiction, and yet I still feel lonely.
My loneliness seems to be tied to my feeling of not being accepted. And from what I read, the fantasy of sexual addiction is for that moment "I'm in relationship" with that fantasy person, they don't reject me, they are "present" with me when no one else is. Of course, it's all a lie...and eventually when the moment is over the loneliness comes back even stronger.
So I've been sober 9 days now, and it feels just as lonely as before. Except now I see myself yearning for people to contact me. Just send me an email, call me, 'need' something from me. And that exposes yet another sick twist to the addiction...relationaly I'm broken. I feel this need to be needed. And even when I do have seemingly normal interactions with friends...I am left wanting more. I can only liken it to sitting down at a big meal, eating the whole thing, physically you are full, but even before you push away from the table, you want more...more of what - you aren't sure, but you are left with this feeling that you are still 'hungry'.
The hope is that Christ has promised us satisfaction in Him. I am just looking in all the wrong places to fix my loneliness. That appears to be the story of the human race, so apparently i'm not alone in that! So how is it that I can find my satisfaction in Christ alone and not be crushed when my friends do not contact me at a rate sufficient to satiate my hunger?
It seems that even if I have a great time hanging out with someone, or a group, the fact of the matter is I go home alone. Ok, so I understand on a logical level that I am not alone. I have family and friends who care about me, I am part of a group of guys committed to dealing with the same issue of addiction, and yet I still feel lonely.
My loneliness seems to be tied to my feeling of not being accepted. And from what I read, the fantasy of sexual addiction is for that moment "I'm in relationship" with that fantasy person, they don't reject me, they are "present" with me when no one else is. Of course, it's all a lie...and eventually when the moment is over the loneliness comes back even stronger.
So I've been sober 9 days now, and it feels just as lonely as before. Except now I see myself yearning for people to contact me. Just send me an email, call me, 'need' something from me. And that exposes yet another sick twist to the addiction...relationaly I'm broken. I feel this need to be needed. And even when I do have seemingly normal interactions with friends...I am left wanting more. I can only liken it to sitting down at a big meal, eating the whole thing, physically you are full, but even before you push away from the table, you want more...more of what - you aren't sure, but you are left with this feeling that you are still 'hungry'.
The hope is that Christ has promised us satisfaction in Him. I am just looking in all the wrong places to fix my loneliness. That appears to be the story of the human race, so apparently i'm not alone in that! So how is it that I can find my satisfaction in Christ alone and not be crushed when my friends do not contact me at a rate sufficient to satiate my hunger?
7"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. 8For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.
9"Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? 10Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? 11If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! 12So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets. Matt 7:7-12 NIV
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