1 down, 29 to go

So I've been advised to attend 30 Meetings in 30 days. So that means I goto a meeting every day....well their are not SA meetings everyday of the week that I can make. So I have to fill in with some AA meetings too.

This is tied to my having to give up climbing and finding my identity in climbing. This is going to be hard. I'm not sure what it's gonna look like. And I am scared that I won't really be committed but just going thru the motions.

Do I really want to be sober, at all costs? Am I willing to give up those activities and associations I hold most dear to gain sobriety? Can I live life in such a way as to protect that sobriety in the midst of lust-crazed world? I don't know, but I do know that God can - if I am willing.

1 day sober

Give up Climbing....

So today I went to see the counselor, I have not had an official one on one with him since Nov 15th. And today he dropped a bombshell.

"I think you should give up climbing" (he also said something about 30 meetings in 30 days, but I was still stuck back on the give up climbing part)

No climbing, no trips, no hanging out...just recovery. Why does that sound like such a pitiful life? I have been crying most of the night so far, fearing that I am being asked to give up the one thing that has brought me a measure of joy over the past few years. But is that joy a mere pitance compared to joy that God wants to bestow on life fully centered on him? A life that may yet involve climbing, but climbing in balance with the other areas and elements of my life.

Do I hang on to the life I know or do I let go and trust the Program to catch me? I'm so afraid, afraid to try, afraid to fail, afraid that all I will end up is alone, and still an addict. To say no to this....is to thwart every good thing that God is trying to do in my life...of that I am almost convinced. Yet I am remain terrified of the prospect.

Oh that my cowardly heart would suffer an untimely demise that a much more courageous one would take it's place.

Houston, we have a problem....

Ok, so more than one, but it hit me today while sitting in an SA meeting that I have a problem relating with people who don't need me. There is nothing I have or can do that they don't have or cannot do for themselves, hence they don't need me.

And for some reason that makes it harder for me to connect with them. I have built a life around being helpful, giving advice, or passing on some skill...and I feel good when I do those things. Maybe even feel like it gives me a purpose. And when I don't feel needed; I feel lonely, old, and basically have a pity-party for myself.

But thsi idea of being needed also implies an in-equity in the relationship, and that without something to give (or get) there is little obvious reason for a relationship. I think this speaks alot to my co-dependant tendencies. And I'm only scratching the surface.

I have relationships that may have started in the needed phase (or a perceived need or teaching opportunity) and have progressed out of that. But I still find myself, in those relationships, hovering a little too much, maybe offering more advice than is really needed or wanted. I wonder how much damage am I doing to the friendship by being that way, and how the heck do I not be that way?

The click that kills

It was broad daylight, there were people standing around...yet there it was, laying on the ground - dead, my sobriety. What happened? Who killed it?

Just a click, that's who.

I got a SPAM email, I knew better than to open it. But it had just the right words, and I opened it...no picture, just a link. "Hit DELETE, you dork!" "Naw lets' see if the Filter will catch this one, it does for all the others"

Click.

Whoa, guess they haven't blocked this yet, Free Tour? Click. Page 2. Click. Page 3. Click.

End of Tour...end of sobriety...funny thing is...didn't cost me a penny. Just a click.

# days sober = 1

Feeling like I don't belong

So I goto 'group therapy' sessions, and I am always feelign liek the odd man out. Mostly due to the fact that I'm the only one losing my sobriety between the last session and the current one. Everyone else there has like 6 mo or more. So I was making noises and taking steps towards pulling myself out of those sessions. I feel like "group" work is like Level 2 stuff, level 1 being basic sobriety, meeting's, phone calls. Staying sober. And I'm not doing Level 1 consistently, or even inconsistently.

But maybe I'm trying to pull myself out not as a way to help myself, but moreso to remove myself from the spot that makes me feel guilt and shame over my actions. I wanted to stop going as a way to re-focus on Level 1 stuff and start seeing the Pope one on one more. maybe I just have to admit that I'm not doing what I should and instead of running away I should be running into...into not only group session every other week, but commit to one on one sessions with the Pope on the opposite weeks.

I have no idea how I'll be able to fit that into the schedule with PT, and the exercise stuff I need to do to rehab my back. But I guess that is why it is a God-thing, not a Brett-thing

So what am I supposed to talk about?

I hear alot of newcomers to the program ask, "Ok I know I'm supposed to make phone calls....but what am I supposed to say?" I found this excerpt on the web and I thought it really answered that question, but it also points to the things I'm supposed to be still saying in my personal calls, along with a daily Renewal, I need to be asking these questions...and answering them...to a person, to my journal/blog, and to my Higher Power.

Describe any lust temptations you’ve had in the past 24 hours,
and how you’ve dealt with them.
Tell me about any “noise” in your head or heart, as well as anything that you need to bring into the light from the past 24 hours.
Do you anticipate anything coming up in the next 24 hours that could be a threat to your recovery?
Tell me about the time spent with your Higher Power, your Step Work, and any other victories you’ve had in the past 24 hours.

That is at least a starter list for what I should be trying to talk about in a phone call. Now the key is picking up the phone!!!!!

Renewal Pledge

Are you willing to admit you are powerless over lust?
Do you desire sobriety and freedom from the actions and obsessions of lust, as well as further recovery, for the next 24 hours?
Are you willing to do whatever is necessary to protect this sobriety, including being rigorously honest?

Pouring your heart out to God? Calling on Others?
Forgiving all resentments? Surrendering all lust hits as toxic?
Reading literature? Going to meetings?
Setting and maintaining boundaries?
Promoting an attitude of gratitude?
Refraining from negative thinking?
Putting goals before busy-ness?

Are you willing to do whatever is necessary to continue in recovery - including working the steps for at least 15 minutes (up to several hours if necessary) in the next 24 hours?
Do you realize this renewal does not keep us sober - God does - however, it does help us to be aware of ourselves and accountable to others?
Do you realize this renewal is just for today, and yesterday's step work will not keep you sober today?

Are you willing with me now to turn your will and life over to the care of God, the one who kept us sober yesterday and protected us from the full consequences of our lust and negative attitudes in the past?