I have so much stuff rolling around in my head from the weekend that I was on. I wrote some of it out in my blog already. I've tried to have a conversation everyday regarding it (to keep it fresh). I'm still finding that one of the things I miss is human contact, spending face to face time with people on a consistent basis. Just the kinds of "hang out" time, play games, watch movies, climb. And I have so little of those right now, and what time I do get usually ends up being with either a non-christian or someone who doesn't know my story, and there is not the freedom to just share what is running thru my head. Phone calls make a pretty good surrogate, but there are only a handful of ppl outside of the program that I can talk to....and it seems like it doesn't always have to be about the issue (altho that seems to be the brunt of it) but simply being able to talk to someone who knows my story and my struggle with same-sex attraction...and still accepts me - that is the powerful element of it.
This weekend is one of the first in about 4 or 5 weeks that I will actually be in town. Which is scary because that means I have to deal with staying sober straight up, no excuses or distractions to fall back on.
These are the verses I read this morning that I really need to chew on for a bit still. (Rom 12:1-2 and Rom 12:9-21) But they really spoke to me about how I should be, those things which I should be striving for. And it made me realize how little striving versus how much struggling I have been doing. And for me, the difference between those two ideas is that when I just struggle, I am flopping like a fish out of water hoping that somehow I will, miraculously, flop back into the water), but striving, for me, implies a more directed force and goal to the exhertions.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Shameless
One of the most amazing parts of this last weekend was not fully realized until some time after I got home. In the conversations that followed with friends, my sponsor, and my counselor; it became apparent that one of the elements with which I struggle so much (shame) was not present in my re-telling of the events and happenings of the weekend.
It was true...for possibly the first time in my life, I was shameless (or very nearly so). An unexpected gift of grace. Over the years my shame has crippled me, "I'm different", "they wouldn't like me if they knew what I was thinking", "I'm disqualified from ministry because of this". That shame keeps me from beleiving I will amount to anything, that I will be useful, or even that I deserve to be loved.
But in that moment, without much fanfare, God was showing me what it's like to live without that shame. The release from shame comes in being truly known; known that I struggle, known that I fail, and accepted anyway. In the end, I need to learn to accept myself - but it appears that God shows us how it's done when others accept us; sins, scars, struggles, and all.
It was true...for possibly the first time in my life, I was shameless (or very nearly so). An unexpected gift of grace. Over the years my shame has crippled me, "I'm different", "they wouldn't like me if they knew what I was thinking", "I'm disqualified from ministry because of this". That shame keeps me from beleiving I will amount to anything, that I will be useful, or even that I deserve to be loved.
But in that moment, without much fanfare, God was showing me what it's like to live without that shame. The release from shame comes in being truly known; known that I struggle, known that I fail, and accepted anyway. In the end, I need to learn to accept myself - but it appears that God shows us how it's done when others accept us; sins, scars, struggles, and all.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Exodus
I went to an Exodus Conference this weekend. My worst fears were never realized. I received that which I never expected. And things I couldn't even hope for were bandied about like they were the everyday!
There is no way to explain all of what went on in my head and heart as the weekend unfolded. I have lived since I was young hiding my sexual struggles, the only people that really knew them were people with whom I acted those struggles out. Even while growing up thru high school, college, and all thru the ministry years. What I felt on the inside was never meant to come out. Jekyll and Hyde. And the pain of that war within was slowly killing me. To give in to the temptation was only fleeting relief. Even as things began falling out, and almost up this very point....I have never gone any place where I could truly be 'me' and not fear immediate rejection. Never have I been able to simply accept that I struggle with same sex attractions and let that knowledge be known in any group (other than the clandestine meetings of other addicts seeking recovery, whom are sworn to secrecy and anonymity).
Today I know a freedom I have never experienced. In that time and place, it was okay to be known as one who struggles with this issue. It was like walking into an field hospital....seeing fellow soldiers; all with their own scars, missing limbs, and wounds taken in the battle. But this is not a funeral, this is a place of HEALING. They come here to get well, and the more well look after those just being brought in!!! I could finally talk openly with any number of people about the fact that I have struggled with SSA all my life. I was free, free to be me, free to laugh, and love, and share in the mess that is life.
And in the midst of it is Christ; nodding, pointing, directing my attention to things. Showing me hurts other than my own, allowing me to see with His eyes. My process is so far from complete, I feel like I have barely left the start line. But for a moment, the fog was lifted, my perspective was elevated (zoomed out - if you will), so that He could show me that I am not the only one who hurts. And the He has a plan to heal ALL those hurts, but it's going to take some time, and trust.
And the glaring hypocrisy of me believing that I could marry myself to an image on the screen and the lust in my heart and somehow not have to call it adultery....so now all of my pathetic rationalizations for allowing even those remaining expressions of my secret sin are shown for what they are...offal.
The headiness is scary because it all sounds great, but the truth remains - there is no helicopter coming to pick me up...it's just one foot in front of the other. The journey continues.
There is no way to explain all of what went on in my head and heart as the weekend unfolded. I have lived since I was young hiding my sexual struggles, the only people that really knew them were people with whom I acted those struggles out. Even while growing up thru high school, college, and all thru the ministry years. What I felt on the inside was never meant to come out. Jekyll and Hyde. And the pain of that war within was slowly killing me. To give in to the temptation was only fleeting relief. Even as things began falling out, and almost up this very point....I have never gone any place where I could truly be 'me' and not fear immediate rejection. Never have I been able to simply accept that I struggle with same sex attractions and let that knowledge be known in any group (other than the clandestine meetings of other addicts seeking recovery, whom are sworn to secrecy and anonymity).
Today I know a freedom I have never experienced. In that time and place, it was okay to be known as one who struggles with this issue. It was like walking into an field hospital....seeing fellow soldiers; all with their own scars, missing limbs, and wounds taken in the battle. But this is not a funeral, this is a place of HEALING. They come here to get well, and the more well look after those just being brought in!!! I could finally talk openly with any number of people about the fact that I have struggled with SSA all my life. I was free, free to be me, free to laugh, and love, and share in the mess that is life.
And in the midst of it is Christ; nodding, pointing, directing my attention to things. Showing me hurts other than my own, allowing me to see with His eyes. My process is so far from complete, I feel like I have barely left the start line. But for a moment, the fog was lifted, my perspective was elevated (zoomed out - if you will), so that He could show me that I am not the only one who hurts. And the He has a plan to heal ALL those hurts, but it's going to take some time, and trust.
And the glaring hypocrisy of me believing that I could marry myself to an image on the screen and the lust in my heart and somehow not have to call it adultery....so now all of my pathetic rationalizations for allowing even those remaining expressions of my secret sin are shown for what they are...offal.
The headiness is scary because it all sounds great, but the truth remains - there is no helicopter coming to pick me up...it's just one foot in front of the other. The journey continues.
Exodus Conference
Ok so I attended an Exodus Conference this weekend. I was so not prepared for what really happens there. There's so much that I need to process out. So much that I need to write down so I can remember it. This post just serves as a placeholder this morning...a reminder and a commitment to write more about this.
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