Zero

I regretfully write that I gave up 61 days of sobriety last night. A blog entry certainly does not take the place of actually having to admit that in person, but in the interest of timely disclosure I did not want to allow myself to keep it a secret, possibly prolonging the duration of the "slip".

As direct result of my poor choices last night I only got 4 hours of sleep, I have a previously scheduled appointment with my counselor at 11am and I am also feeling very much like I need to be at a meeting, but the only one today is at noon. I'm going to ask my counselor if he wants to do a half session and have me attend the meeting also. But I'd be gone from work like 2.5 hours and that is really hard to sell to my boss, given my other, less than stellar, work habits.

Yes, it sucks. Yes, I feel like crap today, but I know that I had 60 days and that thru Gods' grace I can have another 60. But right now, I have to focus on today and not belittle and shame myself for failure.

# days sober = 0

Is it over yet?

Today is 60 days of sobriety.

I am thankful, and even a bit surprised that I have made it this far. But I keep waiting for it to get easier. I keep hoping one day I will wake up and find it gone.
But that is not true of today, so on my 60th day of sobriety - I still struggle. Struggle as in, "I think I might like to see some porn" struggle. Struggle as in "If had the chance, I'd make a break for it" kind of struggle.

But I guess the struggle lets me know that I'm still alive.

# days sober = 60

Un-answered prayer

A friend wrote to me, "But if when you ask to be healed and nothing happens, it makes sense that nothing would happen if it's really important to some big plan." And it caused me to think some on this topic, I am sure that I don't have a lock on the truth of this - but this is what falls out when I tilt my head.

We know that nothing happens except that God allows it to happen, and my understanding of my own SSA struggle it that my desires for masculine affection (eros) are a sinful expression of God given desires for real fellowship and godly intimacy with other men. So I don't know if this a chicken before the egg argument or not - but I hesitate to think of my struggle as some intentional design element in God's greater Plan. More like this is something that, thru early circumstances and my own (sinful) choices, I now struggle with...that even in this struggle (a struggle born out of human causes) - even thru this God has said "All things work together for good to them that love the Lord" Rom 8:28. So that even this, what man intends for evil, God will use to his glory. I'm not sure of the theology, but I struggle with the idea that God would break someones leg in order to further His plans on the earth...moreso that He appears to be willing to use broken things, dirty vessels to carry His water to a dry and thirsty land.

grinding it out...

This is a phrase I hear a fellow in recovery say pretty often. Now I think I know why he says it. I've been in a funk these past few days, and have been toying with the ideas of lust too much, getting way too close to the edge of sobriety. And why I am toying with lust, people all around me are suffering.

• A friend is going thru some very tough times in close relationship.
• Another friend is struggling with un-answered prayer.
• One is shipping out to Iraq in April.
• There are "family issues" across the board. (fighting, yelling, threats of being kicked out)
• One is drinking himself silly, for another it's drugs.
• A family's son is faced with a surgery (in Jan) to remove a portion of his brain to control his seizures.

And I wonder if today is a good day to lose myself in some good old fashioned lust and pornography....of course the answer is no. I should not beat myself up because of the temptations that roll thru my head, but I can remind myself that God is calling on me, on us, to "watch and pray". The pain is real, the hurts are there, God we need You. We need You to do what only You can do! We need your Grace, we need your Mercy, we need Your Forgiveness.

O God, give me a heart that would be broken by the hurts I see around me, a heart that would bring these things to you as any child would bring a broken item to his earthy father and say, "Papa, it's broken...will you fix it?" In a child's mind there is no question if Papa can fix it, only will he.

In my brokenness I want God to fix things when I pray. Isn't that what prayer is for, " God, fix this."? There might be a different angle, God may have a different idea. In the garden Jesus prayed for the Father to take this cup from him, but "not my will, by Thy will be done". My will is that everything be peachy and rosey, His will is that we may know Him more deeply and draw the world around us into relationship with the Father so that they may, in turn, know the Father more deeply.

Maybe tonight I need to utter a different prayer;

Papa, you see these things that are broken, lives that are hurting, painful struggles that don't go away, rejection, illness, grave circumstances...I know you can fix it, but will You? And when? But until the when becomes now, would You grant us the strength to deal with life as it is? Upholding your promise never to leave or forsake us, but walking with us thru the very things we are sure will be the death of us. Make Yourself known, be in our midst, be our covering - hide our shame, heal our hearts, strengthen that which has been weak. And the hope we have, we have in You, hope in anything else is fanciful wishing at best.

Not my will, but Thy will be done.....

# days sober = 53

45 days

So I have been sober 45 days now. It's certainly more of a credit to God's grace in my life than any real show of strength or obedience on my part. But I am thankful for it nonetheless.

The things I need to work on are:

1. Staying away from lustful things (i.e. lusty talk, lusty thoughts, fond remembrances of "old times")
2. Be at peace with others. I have been so boorish lately, I just seem to get riled up at the littlest of perceived injustices or slights (affects my pride and ego)
3. Live honestly within my means and resources. This applies to my finances, my time, and the amount of emotional resource I have to commit to any and all areas. Make good decisions about where I really need to be versus where I think I should be.

Bi-polar?

No, I dont' think I'm actually bi-polar. But I was confronted yet again with how I have two faces, two loves, two trains of thought.

One loves God, one loves Lust. Ugh.

And it's so obvious after it comes out in some phrase, some direction of conversation, some way in which it's totally obvious which side I'm coming from.

10 And so blessing and cursing come pouring out of the same mouth. Surely, my brothers and sisters, this is not right! 11 Does a spring of water bubble out with both fresh water and bitter water?
James 3:10-11 NLT

17 But the wisdom from above is first of all pure. It is also peace loving, gentle at all times, and willing to yield to others. It is full of mercy and good deeds. It shows no favoritism and is always sincere. 18 And those who are peacemakers will plant seeds of peace and reap a harvest of righteousness.
James 3:17-18 NLT

These are definitely some verses I need to apply more directly to how I speak and relate to others.

No Brother of mine

As I sit and think about having to ask my older brother about what it was like growing up in our house...I can't help but begin to see the myriad of ways that we didn't relate. We didn't share anything in common. We didn't play together by choice (it was only because we both had to utilize the same bag of Legos). He was not a confidant, he was not a safe person for me, he was not available, not protective...he was not my brother in all the ways I wish someone would have been.

Some of this has come up just because of this process of recovery I am going thru, but the more poignant observations were highlighted by a recent look at a buddies Facebook photos. Photos of he and his brother doing "brother hikes", camping trips, shirtless ski runs (family tradition). Photos of them arm in arm being brothers...the love, the bond is obvious. I have none of that. And that is a very sad realization.

So I cannot change the past. How do I then move past this? Can I forgive him for being a crappy brother? Is it even right to expect all that of him? Wasn't he just trying to survive the very same 'family of origin' that has already churned out two full-blown addicts?

What if I don't want to know?

It appears that my latest task is to find out more about my childhood. Like the part of my childhood that I have completely blocked out and do not remember (My folks were divorced when I was like 4, adn I really don't remember much until 4th or 5th grade). And the really crappy part of it...I get to ask my older brother (whom I have never been close with) for those missing details - because he is the only other one who was there. My older brother, the bully, the "I don't know anything about you" - older brother. The "I got marreid, moved away, and haven't called since" - older brother. The "I limit any and all interactions with this part of the family" - older brother.

So what if I don't want to know? What if I really would prefer to leave the past and it's pain in obscurity? I had no idea this process of unearthing the past would prove so dreadfull, so filled with unreasoning fear. I have faced fears of divulging dark secrets, fears of losing everything I know to do, fears of what life might be like without my addictive crutch, fears of expectations of others....but this....this scares the $%^# out of me.

So why do I fear that part of my past so much? Maybe there is really nothing there and I will learn nothing new except that my brother isolated adn insulated himself from all of it, shutting me out in the process. Or maybe that he just didn't care.

Either way, there is the door...and there is only one way thru.

I'm really beginning to hate these single option choices.

# days sober = 40