Today is my Mom's birthday. I called and left a message wishing her a "Happy Birthday" and said that I loved her. And it's true, I do love her but our relationship has a long way to go still.
This past Friday I chose to share with her my experiences and thoughts regarding the recent Exodus Conference I attended. This is the first time I have spoken to her directly about SSA struggles. I believe that she was nominally aware of them via my step-Dad and by the token that I was going an Exodus conference. I shared with her that I had struggled with this since I was 10 or 11. And that Exodus and their ministry is exactly what I and the Church needs. I also shared that while this struggle has been one of my deepest darkest secrets, God may be asking me to be willing to share my story in some more public fashion.
Her response? To say the Bible says it's a sin, even that it says this is a worse sin than others, and that I should consider how damaging me sharing my struggles could be to others. Case in point; she hoped I was not planning on telling my Aunts and Uncles about any of this because she "wouldn't be able to face them, they would think we were terrible parents".
That hurt.
It's not that I expected an amazingly positive, modern, mature christian response from her. But apparently I was hoping for a bit more understanding than I got. But I guess the whole point of sharing with her was to not have to hide my feelings and struggles from my own family. Mom has always been pretty distant, functional, but not warm and cuddly. I remember coming home from school (more than once) to find just-made chocolate chip cookies cooling on the counter. Mom was there to serve up cookies and milk...but no conversation. I ate in silence.
I'm not sure how all this ties in my addiction, SSA struggles, or what not. And I'm not sure it even matters, but what matters is that I get it out and don't have the toxic effects of it continuing to erode my insides.
Note: This is a small vignette of my interactions with my Mom. She is and has been a very hard working, dedicated, single mother (from my age 4 to 10). She has done the best she could with what she had (mentally, emotionally, physically) at the time. But I have to acknowledge where it wasn't enough...some of my needs went unmet (maybe still do). The process of working this out is proving to be pretty difficult, and I'm sure this was a tough for her to process. With God's help, hopefully she will, in time, begin to accept my struggle and what God may decide to do with it and/or me.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Another Slip
For those of you new to my blog, I have been part of a 12 step recovery program (Sexaholics Anonymous) for almost 2.5 years and I have been keeping track of my sobriety*.
Until today I had 32 days of sobriety (consecutive). That ended this morning. Nothing too hideous, morbid, or illegal...heck there wasn't even porn involved. But there doesn't have to be for it to be a problem for me. The trigger this time was feeling 'less than' compared to some friends I interacted with over the weekend. That led to fantasy and ultimately to acting out. There is also a thread of pride/entitlement in there, the idea that "I can manage this. I won't go all the way. It's ok to allow this thought/fantasy to roll around in my head". I did more than let the fantasies in - I welcomed them, all the while saying to myself, "I should be able to handle this."
Obviously, I was wrong.
Now begins the process of revealing my 'slip' to my sponsor, program fellows, and close accountability people. This is the part where I want to run and hide. I can't, at least not if I want to pursue a healthier way of dealing with life than I had chosen in the past. Most of all I need to run to Jesus, my Saviour. I struggle with that too. But I don't have a choice, He is the only one who can help me.
Until today I had 32 days of sobriety (consecutive). That ended this morning. Nothing too hideous, morbid, or illegal...heck there wasn't even porn involved. But there doesn't have to be for it to be a problem for me. The trigger this time was feeling 'less than' compared to some friends I interacted with over the weekend. That led to fantasy and ultimately to acting out. There is also a thread of pride/entitlement in there, the idea that "I can manage this. I won't go all the way. It's ok to allow this thought/fantasy to roll around in my head". I did more than let the fantasies in - I welcomed them, all the while saying to myself, "I should be able to handle this."
Obviously, I was wrong.
Now begins the process of revealing my 'slip' to my sponsor, program fellows, and close accountability people. This is the part where I want to run and hide. I can't, at least not if I want to pursue a healthier way of dealing with life than I had chosen in the past. Most of all I need to run to Jesus, my Saviour. I struggle with that too. But I don't have a choice, He is the only one who can help me.
# days sober = 0
* SA sobriety is defined as "no sex with ourselves and no sex with any partner other than the spouse"
Monday, July 27, 2009
Who are you? And what are you doing here?
One of the first questions at the Exodus Conference that really struck me was asked by Alan Chambers in his opening address.
"Who are you? And what are you doing here?"
This question really resonates with me on so many levels. In the past I have tried to answer that question by where I was. I'm in church - I must be a "christian", I'm helping the youth group - I'm a "youth leader", or I'm into a particular sport - THAT must be who I am. And in truth most people only knew me in the context of those roles. It gave me the "rules" I needed to know to act appropriately within that construct, but I was terrified that I would be discovered, that my secret would get out (he's one of THOSE!!!).
But without those rules to play by, the question becomes even more important.
"Who am I? And what am I doing here?"
I have allowed people and circumstances to say who I am (gay, pervert, failure, useless) but who has the power to truly name me? Who can discern my true nature and name that?
Only the One who created me.
So I need to ask Him, "Who do You say that I am?" When those old voices want to tell me who they think I am, I need to go back to God and ask Him to remind me again who He says I am. This may seem like a very basic idea for some, but for me this is something I really struggle with.
"Who are you? And what are you doing here?"
This question really resonates with me on so many levels. In the past I have tried to answer that question by where I was. I'm in church - I must be a "christian", I'm helping the youth group - I'm a "youth leader", or I'm into a particular sport - THAT must be who I am. And in truth most people only knew me in the context of those roles. It gave me the "rules" I needed to know to act appropriately within that construct, but I was terrified that I would be discovered, that my secret would get out (he's one of THOSE!!!).
But without those rules to play by, the question becomes even more important.
"Who am I? And what am I doing here?"
I have allowed people and circumstances to say who I am (gay, pervert, failure, useless) but who has the power to truly name me? Who can discern my true nature and name that?
Only the One who created me.
So I need to ask Him, "Who do You say that I am?" When those old voices want to tell me who they think I am, I need to go back to God and ask Him to remind me again who He says I am. This may seem like a very basic idea for some, but for me this is something I really struggle with.
# days sober = 30
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Exodus 2009 - Make us One
I had the awesome privilege of attending my first Exodus Conference in Wheaton, IL. this past week. I will have to take bits of it and develop them into different blog posts - simply because I could not possibly get it all into one.
So I'll just start with the overall impression of the conference, my first formal introduction to Exodus, and meeting many of its key players.
I guess what really struck me is the humility and honesty with which Alan Chambers opened the first evening. This wasn't "Change Camp", nor was it promised that your struggles with SSA would be "greatly reduced" it you just followed these "17 simple steps". What was emphasized throughout the week was that God is glorified and Christ in formed in us during the 'process'. He has a plan and purpose, change is possible - but change may not look like you expected it to.
All very nice catch phrases, but the conference workshops and subsequent speakers fleshed these ideas out with practical applications and exhortations to pursue Christ and healing would come as byproduct of that pursuit.
There are several key areas that God spoke directly to me on, namely in my unforgiviness of self, my disbelief of God ever using me again, and a barrier that I felt was affecting my ability to connect with God.
And if that wasn't enough...there were the people! I have read some posts from individuals who feel that gathering a bunch of SSA strugglers in one place is like the "blind leading the blind" (Heaven forbid that we let sinners actually get together on a regular basis....oh no...we call that CHURCH). It actually was the Church that met there this week, the Body of Christ, doing what it supposed to. Loving, laughing, binding up hurts, teaching, correcting, worshipping...it was all there. In almost any church service I have been in (for years) I have felt that "If they only knew....they wouldn't want me here". The lie is straight from the Pit and this conference was chance to participate freely in worship and have the power of that lie broken. They DO know, and I'm STILL welcome!
So I'll just start with the overall impression of the conference, my first formal introduction to Exodus, and meeting many of its key players.
I guess what really struck me is the humility and honesty with which Alan Chambers opened the first evening. This wasn't "Change Camp", nor was it promised that your struggles with SSA would be "greatly reduced" it you just followed these "17 simple steps". What was emphasized throughout the week was that God is glorified and Christ in formed in us during the 'process'. He has a plan and purpose, change is possible - but change may not look like you expected it to.
All very nice catch phrases, but the conference workshops and subsequent speakers fleshed these ideas out with practical applications and exhortations to pursue Christ and healing would come as byproduct of that pursuit.
There are several key areas that God spoke directly to me on, namely in my unforgiviness of self, my disbelief of God ever using me again, and a barrier that I felt was affecting my ability to connect with God.
And if that wasn't enough...there were the people! I have read some posts from individuals who feel that gathering a bunch of SSA strugglers in one place is like the "blind leading the blind" (Heaven forbid that we let sinners actually get together on a regular basis....oh no...we call that CHURCH). It actually was the Church that met there this week, the Body of Christ, doing what it supposed to. Loving, laughing, binding up hurts, teaching, correcting, worshipping...it was all there. In almost any church service I have been in (for years) I have felt that "If they only knew....they wouldn't want me here". The lie is straight from the Pit and this conference was chance to participate freely in worship and have the power of that lie broken. They DO know, and I'm STILL welcome!
# of days sober = 25
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