Shame on me

I try to surrender, I try to change, but I'm still stuck with these feelings about who I am. I have asked forgiviness for the things I've done, but how am I forgiven for what I am?

I think the problem is my definition of who I am. But I have been asked to look into this idea of what is shame, so as to facilitate my relegation of the inordinate amounts of shame in my life to their proper place.

"Guilt says I've done something wrong; shame says there is something wrong with me. Guilt says I've made a mistake; shame says I am a mistake. Guilt says what did was not good; shame says I am no good." Bradshaw (1988).

With guilt, the response is a desire for atonement, to make amends, to correct a mistake, or heal a hurt.

With shame, there is just painful feelings of depression, alienation, self-doubt, loneliness, isolation, paranoia, compulsive disorders, perfectionism, inferiority, inadequacy, failure, helplessness, hopelessness, narcissism. "Shame is a sickness of the soul. It is the most poignant experience of the self by the self, whether felt in humiliation or cowardice, or in a sense of failure to cope successfully with a challenge. Shame is a wound felt from the inside, dividing us both from ourselves and from one another." Kaufman (1996).

http://www.noogenesis.com/malama/guilt.html

I ran into this quote from a web article, it is something I need to ponder more. But it's something I need to ask God about. I seem to have several items that occur to me throughout the week that make me think, "Hmm, I have to remember to ask my counselor about that thought or feeling later" but yet I fail to have even a couple occurances of thinking, "Hmm, I really need to ask God what he thinks of that and what He might have me to do about it."

So, note to self; ask God about shame thing

Articles of Surrender

In firm understanding of my condition and having exhausted all other avenues and resources at my disposal, do agree to a total surrender to the High King of Heaven. This surrender contains specific provisions that the King has promised. He has paid for all past and future rebellious acts thru the willing sacrifice of His Son. He has agreed, upon my death, to take me to His home and accept me as an heir to the Kingdom. He has promised never to leave or forsake me, regardless of the quality my adherence to the terms of this surrender.

This unconditional surrender includes all of me, my heart, my life, my soul. Having previously pledged my life to Jesus, the Son of the High King; the remaining portions of my life, that I have tried unsuccessfully to manage myself, are now to be turned over to the control and care of the King.

All of my property, material possessions, associations, friendships, and future holdings are subject to the rule and control of the King. Control over the direction and pace of my life forthwith are to be carried out in consultation with the High Counselor (Holy Spirit) and the duly appointed representatives of the Kingdom placed in my life for support, counseling, guidance, oversight, and encouragement.

This surrender is a conscious act of my will; I understand that I will need to renew my pledge to surrender on a continual basis. I will also need to examine the hidden areas and motivations of my person in order to surrender those areas as well. Additional areas and motivations are to be surrendered as they are revealed.

As a public token of this agreement; a ring inscribed with the word surrender is to be worn on the right hand. This ring is to be a constant reminder of my position as a surrendered soul, and the price that was paid to obtain my surrender.

Surrender

Surrender. Not retreat, not "give up",
Unconditional surrender.

In war, you wonder about the character
of the one you are surrendering to.
Here, His character is evident.

Surrender. Not to being held captive,
He'll set me free

Surrender. Not to be forced out of my home,
but to move into the place He lives in

Surrender. Not to lose everything,
but to gain what is eternally important.

I surrender.

What am I worth?

I had a conversation with a friend and one of the elements he heard in what I was saying was about my worth. Am I worth anything? What makes me worth something? He said that I need to confront the negative messages I hear inside with the fact that I have worth.

The Bible tells us we have worth, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. He died before we had a relationship with Him, so even that is not a measure of my worth. My worth is not even tied to my sobriety, I have the same worth sober or drunk....this is not to say that being sober doesn't matter, but it does not affect the reality of my worth. I have worth inherent in me irregardless of, unconnected to, or in spite of my thoughts, actions, deeds, mis-deeds, failures, successes, friends, relationship with Christ or any lack thereof. I have worth just because I was created by God.

So here goes...I have worth.

For additional insights, I found this article.

Depressed?

I have been feeling blue, actually I've been struggling with depression for years at some level. I ran into a reading from My Utmost for His Highest(feb7) where Chambers states that "If I am depressed or burdened, I am to blame, not God or anyone else. Dejection stems from one of two sources— I have either satisfied a lust or I have not had it satisfied." That is bascially the story of my life! He also pointed out a key fact about prayer, "Whenever we insist that God should give us an answer to prayer we are off track. The purpose of prayer is that we get ahold of God, not of the answer."

"We look for visions from heaven and for earth-shaking events to see God’s power. Even the fact that we are dejected is proof that we do this. Yet we never realize that all the time God is at work in our everyday events and in the people around us. If we will only obey, and do the task that He has placed closest to us, we will see Him." I really see this at work in my life, I want a miracle...but find it a bother to do the daily mundane tasks that are close at hand, forgetting that its not all about the destination, the joy is in the journey.

This does not suddenly mean I will no longer be depressed, but it does show me that God is not to blame for my depression. My desires for things other than God or even the things of God (but I want them now) are to blame.

So the fix? Todays' Utmost for His Highest(sept13) is all about surrender. It isn't until I surrender my will and die to my own selfish desires that the warring within will cease and I will find peace and freedom in Him.

Everybody wants to goto Heaven...but nobody wants to die.

Everybody wants to goto Heaven...but nobody wants to die.

That is a line from a David Crowder song that has been playing in my car for a while. And it really struck me, of course I want to goto Heaven, of course I want to follow Jesus, of course I want to live a christina life, and of course I want to be free from this addiction that threatens to overwhelm me at nearly every turn.

But do I? Am I willing to die? Am I willing to leave everything I know and say "Lord, your will, not mine."

Truth = I don't think so. I haev to look at how I really live my life and say "No, I'm not willing to die" I would hope that I was somewhat closer to that point, but I'm not there yet.

So where does that leave me? Outside of Heaven, cursing the day I thought that this might be for me? No, not if I beleive what the Bible says. But I do have a long way to go in laying down my pride and being humble enough to die. To myself, to my desires, temptations, and wild ideas of how to make it on my own. I need to decrease so that He may increase.

&%$#$@#

I don't know what to write, my mind is in such a jumble. I'm angry, hurt, mad, sad, defensive, offended, depressed, lonely, gggrrhrhhhaaawwhhhgggrhh.

I don't know if it because I have been confronted by a truth I'm not ready to accept or because of the way it was delivered, I'm just not sure.

But I know one thing, my little world has been rocked yet again and I'm in for a long, painful night. Will the shelling ever stop?

Lord help me to turn to You in all of this.