Evaluations

Specifically my yearly eval at work. I survived another one. But it kinda brings up the point of evaluating my life in light of the job I'm supposed to be doing. That is developing a deeper relationship with God, serving Him with all my mind, heart, and might. How would I rate myself on that level...a 1 (scale 1 to 5, 5 being the highest)

I am not really sure I even deserve a 1, but its as low as the scale goes. There are so many things that need improvement. I am so consumed with this issue of lust, either I am consumed with acting on it, or I am consumed with trying to fix it. But either way, it's almost all I think about, judge my worth by, and check my progress against. And since I haven't made any real progress in 10 years, I guess we have to assume that I'm not doing well in that area.

So if I had gotten a 1 on my employee review today, there would have been specific items and actions that I would need to have corrected in a 30 or 60 day time-period, or I would face dismissal. Thankfully, God is not in the business of dimissing Christians from the Kingdom for "non-performance". But does that mean that He doesn't have specific actions and items for me to correct or work on in the next 30 to 60 days? Definitely not, I think He has exact plans for me, I just need to seek them out. A website was brought to my attention on Thursday night, they have 60 day, web-based programs that are designed for the one caught in the midst of sexual struggles. A crash-course, as it were, in rebuilding a relationship with God and restoring a right perspective on your world. I think that might be a good idea, I think it would be good for me to try it and see.

Progress?

Progess...not likely. I indulged myself last night in my favorite pastimes of lust, porn, and self-gratification. It sounds so awful when you say it, but it's totally appealing to me when its happening.

Tonight is the Pure Life bible-study. I don't want to go. I don't want to go because when i go ther eI want to be one of the successful ones, someone who is making progress. And that...I am not. Just so you don't pick up the phone to yell at me just yet...I'm going....I just don't "want" to go. But I know it's the right thing to do, regardless of how I feel.

I have no life at home except to sit on the couch wathcing tv, playing a computer game, or indulging my addictions. I have not been doing wash, dishes, dealing with the mold in my bedroom, sorting, organizing, cleaning effectively at all. I am either not at home until late, or otherwise engaged so I don't have to deal with it. This is really not a healthy way of dealing....nor am I really turning to God or the Bible for help. I just sit. Not good.

So where does the motivation come to get up off the couch?

2Now there is in Jerusalem near the Sheep Gate a pool, which in Aramaic is called Bethesda[a] and which is surrounded by five covered colonnades. 3Here a great number of disabled people used to lie—the blind, the lame, the paralyzed.[b]
5One who was there had been an invalid for thirty-eight years. 6When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, he asked him, "Do you want to get well?" 7"Sir," the invalid replied, "I have no one to help me into the pool when the water is stirred. While I am trying to get in, someone else goes down ahead of me."
8Then Jesus said to him, "Get up! Pick up your mat and walk."
9At once the man was cured; he picked up his mat and walked. John 5:2-9

So it's pretty clear that Jesus has compassion on this man who is paralyzed by his infirmity, whatever it is, and heals him. But what about me? I'm not unable to go the well, I am just unwilling...but do I really have a choice...is this thing so ingrained in me that I have no will left to deny it? That can't be true.

but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God's law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin. Romans 7:23-25

But how? What are the individual steps that I need to take to become a slave to righteousness? Submit....but what does that look like when all you see is Lust? Obey...when I haven't submitted myself in obedience in more years than I can accurately remember?

Where did my Faith go... I seem to have misplaced it somewhere...

Damage Control

So even tho I had a great weekend, spent doing fun things with a close friend of mine, I still decided to delve into the underbelly of the internet to feed my lust on Monday night. So even tho I'm connected to people in signifigant ways...I still seem to revert to this defective mode of satisfying these urges, which seems to say to me that even tho I have elements in place in my life to fulfill my basic needs of love and acceptance....I am not recognizing (internally) that those are sufficient. God says, "My grace is sufficient for you". But I'm showing that I don't beleive that.

So the "damage control" portion of this is that I have installed Convenant Eyes (an internet accountibility tool) on my work laptop. That way all of the major portals I have to the Internet are monitored equally. Because while I may not look at porn at work, I know that I look up questionable sites that are, topically, arousing to me. So if I'm serious about no longer being dependant on lust to ease to passage of my life, then this is what I need to do.

I have also really come to recognize how much I don't like my physical self. I look at pictures of me or see my reflection and it doesn't match up with the me I think I am. This is one of the root issues in what I lust about, I really look at other people and see the attractive bodies, knowing that I am not that...this inadequacy really fuels the worthless feeling that seems to preceed the fall into lust/porn/masturbation.

No Control

Well, I'm learning what little control over life we really have....actually I probably knew that fact before, I was just reminded of it again in an "in your face" sort of way!

I was flying standby this weekend to visit a friend. I got bumped from 3 flights on Friday, Saturday was delayed almost 3 and a half hours. And now its Monday, I've been in the airport for 8 hours, missed 2 flights (bumped again) and the last flight out leaves at 10:10pm tonight.

This also flies in the face of my AARP (Advanced Anal Retentive Planner) Certifications and I really thought that it might give me an ulcer before I got home. But its good for me to see what little control I have other these things.

Too Busy

That is my excuse for everything....I'm too busy. I'm too busy sitting on the couch to clean up the dishes, I'm too busy trying to be out of the house climbing or whatever to really get my chores done....or better yet, I'm too busy doing all those other things to really sit down and work on this struggle that I have and work on my relationship with God.

So today I'm too busy getting ready to leave town, and next week I'll be too busy getting unpacked after coming home. It's a cycle that I let happen because it provides a convenient excuse for me to not do anything.

I am going to be gone all weekend and where I'm going there will be plenty of opportunity for 'coarse talk' and more than a little innuendo. I'm not worried about the porn so much, but I need to worry about the thoughts too.

The Dance

I met her when I was about 12. Hadn’t seen her around school before, but that was okay, she just seemed to naturally blend in. Our acquaintance was an odd one. We conversed in hushed tones and at odd times. I had a feeling that she talked the same way to a lot of the other boys, but they rarely mentioned her. It was almost as if she was invisible. Jr High came and went our relationship continued, although it did seem as if we were spending any more time together than before. At first she would come by only when I was especially lonely or bored. In times of stress, I could be sure that she would be there. She didn’t seem to expect much of me, I was pretty sure the relationship was one-sided, it didn’t seem to matter to either of us. I was 16 now, I thought that I would’ve moved on, found someone else…. Oh there had been others, but I always found myself going back to her, maybe even seeing her at the same time.

Speaking of time, I don’t know when it happened but one day I realized that she was pretty much always with me. I’d fall asleep to her voice, sometimes hear her calling in the morning or during study hall, sharing space in the hallway between classes with her, she’d be there waiting when I got home. So eventually I came to accept that she would be there, not so obvious that anyone else would know, but I knew. I tried to break it off a few times, each time ending in failure. I had become convinced I couldn’t live without her. And besides, we weren’t hurting anyone...at least that is what she said.

One time my senior year I was determined to avoid her for a whole month. How hard could that be, she certainly had others to entertain while I was gone, and I had lots of things to occupy my time with. For the first week I was miserable, I had no idea how much time we used to spend together. Now I needed to fill that time with other things. But what, nothing really seemed to compare to the time we spent with each other. Everything else seemed gray, lifeless. In the end, I simply gave up trying so hard to avoid her and within a few days we were back to our old habits, same as ever, I guess.

Then one night I saw her in my dream, actually I had been seeing her for awhile, I just never realized it was her that I was seeing. The dream was incredible. We were at some elegant gathering of only the most perfect people. Beautiful women danced with handsome men, I was numbered among the handsome, of course. We were in a huge Ballroom, with an orchestra playing in the corner. Everyone was with someone, dancing, talking, drinking wine, and having the time of his or her lives. Then from across the room I saw her. I don’t think she ever looked more radiant, but there was a sultry aire about her that I failed to note before. But I was noting it now! As she walked across the dance floor, I began to burn with feelings toward her. Feelings I remember having before, but not so overpowering. I was drawn to her and seemingly without effort we were together in each other’s arms, dancing. As we danced I noticed we were suddenly alone. The room seemed darker, more inviting, but less social, now more serious, intense. I knew I should slow down, be more careful. I wasn’t sure she was the only one I wanted to dance with. “Of course I’m the only one….”, she whispered to me. I missed a step, and struggled to recover…strangely her light embrace seemed to grow stronger as I stumbled. We danced for some time, I was getting weary, and I didn’t really want to dance anymore. But she seemed tireless, floating effortlessly in unending motion with the music. I asked her if we could take a break, she ignored me. I attempted to step back from her. With a strength that belied her graceful stature she drew me back into her embrace. Her arm that had before rested softly on my shoulder now seemed firmer, more confining. Her soft hand now gripped mine with a strength that struck fear into my soul. Her soft whispers of encouragement now became lower more insistent orders. I knew now that I wanted this dance to be over, this isn’t fun anymore. I tried to pull away again only to find that I could not budge from her embrace. I began to struggle. And I as I struggled I noticed two things. She had somewhere lost her beautiful voice, and her grip had become decidedly unromantic. I looked into her eyes and saw nothing but emptiness; it felt as though she was trying to fill that void with me. I fought even harder to break her grip. I felt white-hot pain across my back, pain shot thru my hand. Those definitely weren’t fingernails I was feeling. I looked at her again only to realize ‘she’ was gone. Soft curves and supple lips had been replaced by scaled flesh and jagged teeth. I made one last effort to free myself from her, I mean “it’s” deadly embrace. And as I looked down towards her chest, which had been pressed to mine for so long, I saw that parts of me were connected to her/it. The pain was unbelievable, my screams mingled with her alternately soft and then harsh pleas for me to remain. But remaining was not an option, I felt claws penetrating deep within my vitals seeking to crucify whatever will or Spirit in me that sought to free me from her soul-freezing clutch. I cried out, begging to be set free, she laughed and deep within my chest I could feel the claws trying to seize my wildly beating heart. And I knew that I was powerless to stop her, I had given in to her so many times before, how could I resist her now? I awaited my death. What had started out as a simple acquaintance was now a hostile takeover, with my life hanging in the balance.

My strength was gone; I was finished. Would someone please help me?

It seemed my plaintive pleas had been heard, for in that instant the cloying air was suddenly cut by something stronger, purer. He also was an aquaintence from my middle school years. I had spent far less time with him than she had garnered. And yet in my darkest moment, He was there. In a flash that was not so much visible as was palpable, He cut in. The dance was over.

As I lay there, surveying the damage. I could feel the holes in my back, I could see vital organs exposed and damaged. I knew I was a mess. He came back, from where I don’t know, but she was gone. I looked into my Friends eyes expecting to see pity, even anger. Pity because of how awful I must have looked. Anger, because this was entirely my fault, I was the one who asked her if she wanted to dance. But there He was, with a look so full of understanding on his face that I could've swore He'd been asked to dance with her too. How is that possible, He was the only one who ever got her to leave me alone, even for a little while. Then it occurred to me, I don’t even know her name…how will I ever deny her invitations for another dance if I don’t even know her name?

“Her name is Lust.”

I wrote this story a few years ago (feb 2002) in a more lucid moment, it really describes what I feel. But the story seeme to have a much happier ending than I think I currently am experiencing. There is work to be done, unfortunately I have gone back to dance with her way too many times since then. And its more like all pretense of 'dancing' is gone, this relationship has only one purpose and we come together for that and that alone....and after each time I'm left spent, alone, and un-fulfilled...craving the next time we meet, hoping that it will be the one time that satisifies. Only she will never be satisfied until I'm dead, who knows maybe I won't be satisfied until then either. (not that I want to be dead....I just dont' have alot of hope at this moment)

Off the Reservation

"Off the Reservation" - a term used in government circles to describe an agent gone wild, an informant who has gone back into hiding, or basically someone who has slipped the mechanisms of control or oversight.

Well, at this point its pretty obvious the I have been 'off the reservation' this past week. I really slipped back into my old habits of porn and masturbation. Actually to say 'old habits' is sorta a mis-nomer...they have to actually have cooled off or otherwise been un-used for a period of time to be called 'old-habits', so its better to say I went back to my normal routine of masturbation and porn.

Of course its not all that fulfilling, and even tho I pay for access to a sight with hundreds of videos to sort thru...I find myself spending a couple hours trying to find just the right one, the one that I think will make the biggest splash for me. And all the while there are people standing just an arms reach from me that I could talk to, hang out with, make connections...instead I isolate and self-medicate. Pretty good self-observation and correlation, huh? Lotta good it's doing for me. I have to try and not be down on myself, that really doesn't help anything.

I have so many little chores that need to get done at home. I just avoid them. The dishes pile up, the laundry sits on the floor....oh yah and the mold in my room, I haven't called the landlord yet. I have 90 percent of what I need to have moved out of the way, but I need to finish that up and have the rest of the house in some order so I don't look like as much of a slob as I seem to live like when no one is looking.

So, the gates to the Reservation are open....I just need to step back on the ride side of the fence.