Damage Control

So even tho I had a great weekend, spent doing fun things with a close friend of mine, I still decided to delve into the underbelly of the internet to feed my lust on Monday night. So even tho I'm connected to people in signifigant ways...I still seem to revert to this defective mode of satisfying these urges, which seems to say to me that even tho I have elements in place in my life to fulfill my basic needs of love and acceptance....I am not recognizing (internally) that those are sufficient. God says, "My grace is sufficient for you". But I'm showing that I don't beleive that.

So the "damage control" portion of this is that I have installed Convenant Eyes (an internet accountibility tool) on my work laptop. That way all of the major portals I have to the Internet are monitored equally. Because while I may not look at porn at work, I know that I look up questionable sites that are, topically, arousing to me. So if I'm serious about no longer being dependant on lust to ease to passage of my life, then this is what I need to do.

I have also really come to recognize how much I don't like my physical self. I look at pictures of me or see my reflection and it doesn't match up with the me I think I am. This is one of the root issues in what I lust about, I really look at other people and see the attractive bodies, knowing that I am not that...this inadequacy really fuels the worthless feeling that seems to preceed the fall into lust/porn/masturbation.