"Off the Reservation" - a term used in government circles to describe an agent gone wild, an informant who has gone back into hiding, or basically someone who has slipped the mechanisms of control or oversight.
Well, at this point its pretty obvious the I have been 'off the reservation' this past week. I really slipped back into my old habits of porn and masturbation. Actually to say 'old habits' is sorta a mis-nomer...they have to actually have cooled off or otherwise been un-used for a period of time to be called 'old-habits', so its better to say I went back to my normal routine of masturbation and porn.
Of course its not all that fulfilling, and even tho I pay for access to a sight with hundreds of videos to sort thru...I find myself spending a couple hours trying to find just the right one, the one that I think will make the biggest splash for me. And all the while there are people standing just an arms reach from me that I could talk to, hang out with, make connections...instead I isolate and self-medicate. Pretty good self-observation and correlation, huh? Lotta good it's doing for me. I have to try and not be down on myself, that really doesn't help anything.
I have so many little chores that need to get done at home. I just avoid them. The dishes pile up, the laundry sits on the floor....oh yah and the mold in my room, I haven't called the landlord yet. I have 90 percent of what I need to have moved out of the way, but I need to finish that up and have the rest of the house in some order so I don't look like as much of a slob as I seem to live like when no one is looking.
So, the gates to the Reservation are open....I just need to step back on the ride side of the fence.
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