Oh, what a night...

Well, I've really experienced a crazy night. Not all good things. I gave to the struggle this weekend, so that kinda resets the Sobriety counter, but even tho the defeats come, so do the lessons and the deepening conviction that this cannot be the way that the rest of life will be.

Today, I really let my mind wander at work, and where the mind goes, the Internet will follow, or vice versa. I don't access really objectionable material at work, but I do look at or read about alot of stuff that really doesn't improve my state of mind. Didn't help that today was a freakin stressfull day at work, and I wasn't in the best mood.

So I had intentions of indulging the release mechanism of choice after I got home. In a small side trip for normal supplies at Walgreens I tran into two former co-youth-leaders I knew. Conviction was building. I was at home and figured I needed to work on some Recovery material, it is convicting, difficult introspection that produces loads of guilt and a hint of titilation. Again teh desire to act out was pretty strong. And I sat there on the couch contemplating my fall...a good friend of mine called to ask me to pray for him, he was having a rough night.

Conviction is now on a rampage! I had to turn this over to God and pray for my friend, which in truth is always a prayer to make me even worthy to intercede on anyones behalf. And then I turned to another Recovery related book that just got delivered today. So after a bit of reading I decided I needed to practice a little reaching out of my own. I called my accountibility partner to just say this is how I feel and this is what God has been doing about it. It feels good to get it out, but it doesn't alleviate the pressure completely. And that's okay, I just need to learn to deal with that feeling, and know that I am going to be okay. This is still the white-knuckle phase of all this, I'm just groping around for anything that sounds good.

I feel a bit hemmed in on all sides, but in truth fences are for protection as much as containment. It's all in your perspective. Lord, thank you for being that hedge of protection around me, even when I am not sure that I want it.

Wishing that it wasn't

I have really struggled lately with identifying with my problem. No one wants to be called an addict of any kind, but sexual addiction seems to have an even more sinister rap. So while I need to be in Recovery, do I have to sound happy and excited about it? But if I am not happy that I'm recovering...then would I rather be stuck back in a time and place where I still hurt but didn't have a name for it, or a plan of action to follow that God has used to heal thousands of this same affliction?

I found myself wishing that I was sick with an infection, or pneumonia, or something...anything that they can jab a needle in your arm and fix while you lay there. Oh it might suck, and it will prolly hurt, but you just have to survive it. Struggling with an addiction is like being asked to do surgery on yourself. You have to look down and start cutting away at the infected parts, layer by painful layer. Even though the pain clouds your vision, you have to keep working, until it's too much...then you take a break (be gentle with yourself) and go back at it later. And every morning you have to get up and look for signs of new infection, you have to poke your fingers into all of the old wounds and see if it is getting better or worse. This is the life-long prospect of an addict. Sure, the further along in the recovery process you get, the less intense the work becomes (as I understand it), but the maintenance is still required, vigilance is a must. Thanks be to God who loves us and cares for us. If I had to do this (or consider it, since I am so new in the process) without God, oh boy, my heart trembles now, it would easily stop of its' own volition without a Saviour to trust.

Questions

How is it that i cling so lighty to His hand?
And trust so little in His mighty strength?
Are my wounds so great as to not be cured
by the Great Healer?
Is forgiveness's penetrating power nulified
by the fresh gloss of sin on my heart?
Or is it that my penchant for sin keeps me guessing
about the character of the One proven to be Faithful and True?


Could it be that I have come to like living in this fallen state?
Oh pray it is not so! My oft uttered prayers for release
are not answered in earthly time,
so I roam far and wide for a salve to my ease my soul.
But trust not in the Wisdom of the Ages.

How is it that prisoner set free from his cell
sneaks back into the cold darkness for comfort?
Is there an end to this madness?
Glimmers of hope and well-formed thought
seem tantalizingly close.
Yet elude the gnarled grasp of my ruined soul.
Strange to know that the Cure
is only a ragged, gasped, palid utterance away...
what is this fettered existence that keeps me
from claiming my birthright?

I am a child of the King. Need I ever live in fear?
In squallor? In Darkeness? Or even in Want?

No. Not anymore.

Walk with me

Lord, I'm struggling with some things, and I have some questions. I was hoping that you could shed some light on this. I've been pretty busy and I don't have alot of time before I need to get back to the stuff I'm supposed to be doing...if you could just simplify it for me...that would be great.

Speaking of time, my first issue is that I never seem to have enough time. I am always running late, the dishes are piled up, the laundry isn't done, my house is a mess, I'm tired, and I can't seem to ever get ahead. What do you recommend?

Walk with me...

Lord, I was thinking you could just give me an answer that I can use now, I really don't have the time to take a walk. Oh, don't get me wrong....I would love to take a walk with You. But I don't think I have time right now.

Ok, so maybe You can help me with this one...I'm having some problems at work, I lose my patience with people, I get easily distracted, and I have trouble focusing on what's important to the task at hand. Any suggestions?

Walk with me...

Lord, don't your understand my situation? I've been trying to fix these issues for a long time now and I have failed everytime to make any noticeable progess. But if I'm being honest, those issues are minor compared my addiction to lust. Lord, this has been eating me up inside for so long, I have sinned repeatedly, I have squandered the grace given to me, I have hurt and disappointed the people around me...I need to be healed from this, I've got nothing left. Can you help me?

Walk with me...

Walk with you? Isn't that what I've been trying to do since I was 17? I have failed miserably, honestly I don't think I can "walk with you"...I have developed a serious spiritual limp, I'm can't seem to bear full weight on my legs anymore!

Walk with me...

Lord...

Walk with me. You want answers, you want peace, you want healing, you want to be free from your addiction, then walk with Me.

And I think you are mistaken when you say you cannot walk. You have been walking all over the place, just not with Me. You seem to be able to drag yourself far enough to indulge your thirst for lust. You go the bookstore looking for answers, but not to My Word. You go to your friends house for fellowship and advice, but you don't come to me until you are overwhelmed. You get up in a hurry, you go to work in a hurry, you rush off to somewhere after work, then you come home and hurry to the couch. But when I ask you with walk with me, you drag your feet and make excuses.

You want an answer to your problem?
Walk with me...and we'll talk about it.

You need a release for the feelings that overwhelm you?
Walk with me...and I'll be there to take care of you when the pain starts.

You want a simple answer? Walk with me. How can I help you when you are everywhere but by my side? How do you expect to learn from me if we talk only once a week? You are worried about all the mundane details of life the you can't seem to manage on your own.

Walk with me, I know you're hurt, we'll go slow. One step at a time, step by step, we'll work thru this, trust me...

Come, walk with me.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." Matt. 11:28-29

On Coasting...

coast : verb
To move without further use of propelling power.
To act or move
aimlessly or with little effort:

That pretty much defines my spiritual state in the past 7 to 10 days. I don't know when I did it, but I realized on Sunday that I had basically thrown the "car" out of gear and into nuetral. Not a drastic change in direction, not stepping on the brakes, but just easy it out of gear so as to not reach the intended destination as fast as it was approaching. This relates mainly to my internal struggles with lust, every time I turn around its a new temptation or an opportunity to indulge in lustful thoughts/actions. I think I just got tired of fighting, and so I just slipped it into nuetral. I figure no one would notice for a while...the engine still sounds like its running, the car is still moving, I haven't applied the brakes or made any sudden changes of direction. I'm just coasting for a bit.

The problem with coasting is that I can only go so far on this momentum, the friction of normal life eventually overcomes the spiritual momentum that I think I've built up. And much like a car without power on the freeway, its only a matter of time before I slow down enough to become a danger to those coming up behind me, unaware that I'm just coasting.

It also appears to me to be a form of passive-aggressive spirituality. I am not saying "no" to God in a verbalized action sense, I'm just not saying "yes" with my foot on the gas pedal. So I have the intention of driving in the correct direction but I do not have the proper "drive" behind it. I've verbalized my support for the idea, but I'm unwilling to spend my gas money to see it happen.

In the sermon I listened to this past sunday, the pastor was stating how God defines obedience as 100 percent of what He asked of us. Saul destroyed 90 percent of the captured animals and spoils, but kept the best animals alive. When Samuel asked him what he was doing, Saul tried to be deceptive. But Samuel said, "What then is this bleating of sheep in my ears? What is this lowing of cattle that I hear?" But Samuel replied: "Does the LORD delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices as much as in obeying the voice of the LORD ? To obey is better than sacrifice, and to heed is better than the fat of rams."

I'm in the car, pointed in the right direction, I'm even on the right road...I just don't have the engine fully engaged. And that is disobedience in God's eyes....Saul got himself thrown out as King for it. I cannot kid myself that coasting doesn't have it consequences, I just don't know when that is going to sink in.