Well, I've really experienced a crazy night. Not all good things. I gave to the struggle this weekend, so that kinda resets the Sobriety counter, but even tho the defeats come, so do the lessons and the deepening conviction that this cannot be the way that the rest of life will be.
Today, I really let my mind wander at work, and where the mind goes, the Internet will follow, or vice versa. I don't access really objectionable material at work, but I do look at or read about alot of stuff that really doesn't improve my state of mind. Didn't help that today was a freakin stressfull day at work, and I wasn't in the best mood.
So I had intentions of indulging the release mechanism of choice after I got home. In a small side trip for normal supplies at Walgreens I tran into two former co-youth-leaders I knew. Conviction was building. I was at home and figured I needed to work on some Recovery material, it is convicting, difficult introspection that produces loads of guilt and a hint of titilation. Again teh desire to act out was pretty strong. And I sat there on the couch contemplating my fall...a good friend of mine called to ask me to pray for him, he was having a rough night.
Conviction is now on a rampage! I had to turn this over to God and pray for my friend, which in truth is always a prayer to make me even worthy to intercede on anyones behalf. And then I turned to another Recovery related book that just got delivered today. So after a bit of reading I decided I needed to practice a little reaching out of my own. I called my accountibility partner to just say this is how I feel and this is what God has been doing about it. It feels good to get it out, but it doesn't alleviate the pressure completely. And that's okay, I just need to learn to deal with that feeling, and know that I am going to be okay. This is still the white-knuckle phase of all this, I'm just groping around for anything that sounds good.
I feel a bit hemmed in on all sides, but in truth fences are for protection as much as containment. It's all in your perspective. Lord, thank you for being that hedge of protection around me, even when I am not sure that I want it.
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