Acceptance

The goal of our relationships is not that anything gets fixed, but that nothing is hidden.” TrueFaced

I was again faced with my shame last night. I was faced with communicating (a friend request) with a person from my past whom I feel that I have let down. I failed, I failed to be what I said I was, I failed to live up to what they thought I was. What was and what it looked like were not the same thing in my life. I hid my struggles, I tried to hide my failures. (I even failed at that!)

So when I saw the message from him, my heart quailled, my stomach clenched, and I began to rehash all of the failures that brought me to the point where the relationship was broken. This was a person I used to trust, I called him my friend. And I can't say that he ever stopped being "my friend", I just allowed my shame to create this wall between us.

I'm scared; scared someone will point out the past failures, or bring to light previously unmentioned ones, more examples of how I missed the mark. And I'm worried my tenuos grasp on intrinsic worth (coupled with my deep seated need for affirmation) might not be strong enough to handle much of a blow.

I cannot undo the past, but it's not healthy for me to keep running from it. I need to trust in the goodness of God that He knows what is going on here.