Escape Artist

So I'm realizing some consistent traits that are part of the template of how I do life. This is not completely new, nor especially earth-shattering but it's what I'm thinking about today and I want to write it down.

Obviously my current struggle with lust is a huge factor in my day to day life. In the early days of the Program (Sexaholics Anonymous) a person usually comes to realize that sex, pornography, and masturbation are not the issue, they are symptoms of the issue, the issue is lust. And lust is definitely an issue for me. But I'm seeing that lust is not ultimately what I 'want', lust is what I use to get what I want.

What do I want? I want to "feel good".

As I look back at life I see this pattern feeling bad and then escaping into fantasy. It was/is all sorts of fantasy; books, daydreaming, money, power, adventure, social, sexual.....almost anything to escape the reality of where I was at that moment. It's no wonder that once I discovered lust I used it consistently...it was cheap, powerful, and (seemingly) very effective at achieving my unspoken #1 priority of "Feel Good".

So if my main priority in life is to "feel good", I can see why I struggle so hard with sobriety and consistency in my walk with Christ. I pursue sobriety because I'm supposed to feel better when I'm sober. I think (at some levels) I pursue Christ and Christian life because the hope is that it will make me feel better, that life will in fact be better. But when sobriety or Christianity doesn't produce the more immediate results of "feeling better" I let go and turn to the one thing that appeared to make me feel better, for a little bit at least, fantasy.

So my prayer today is, "God please help me to live the life I have been given, not the life I wish I had."

Characteristics of the sensitive soul:

• They are very emotionally sensitive and are deeply moved by the emotions of others around them.
• They are inherently drawn toward beauty, structure, order, symmetry, intimate relating, color, texture, expression of feelings, and the natural and spiritual worlds around them.
• They have a tendency to believe they are somehow connected to everything around them and often feel they effect or can impact their world both in subtle and grand ways.
• They sometimes are viewed as self-absorbed and even egocentric or selfish by others.
• They are intuitive feelers and deep thinkers.
• They often contemplate things deeply and for days and can be strongly moved by
• subtleties that others would not recognize.
• They see detail and notice nuance more than others.
• They are moved with strong emotions of passion, desire, pain, hurt, and love.
• They often are highly sensitive to feelings in general and can sometimes be overwhelmed by highly stimulating situations where the stimuli are coming from multiple sources at the same time.
• They are often loners and enjoy spending large amounts of time alone.
• They often escape to alternative realities they create or ones that have been created through video games, movies, or reading books.
• They are highly creative and desire an outlet to express their creativity

excerpted from LivingHope.org "Parenting the Sensitive Soul"

On regrets, and Ap. Paul

I deal (poorly, most times) with regret for how my attitudes and addiction has affected (or potentially affected) the people around me and ministries I've been in. One thought that God dropped in my lap in the middle of a counseling session this past Friday was about the Apostle Paul...he hunted and killed Christians for a living! That was his mission in life. How much regret did he have to deal with once Christ revealed Himself to Saul on the road to Damascus? How did he not think every time he met a new Christian, "Did I kill your father, mother, brother, or friend? How can I look you in the eye and say 'follow me - as I follow Christ'? I(Paul) cannot undo the damage done by my sin and rebellion." Yet God choose him, anyway. What did they talk about in the desert? I can only surmise that Paul's confidence in the completeness of forgiveness, the sovereignty of God, and power of grace understood allowed him to move forward in obedience to preach the Gospel despite his past.

I need to dig into this issue more....or is it that I just need to accept this as true and move forward in that knowledge? Hmmm

Headed to Exodus Freedom Conference 2010

Yah, it's been crazy here, alot of which is my own fault. I leave Tuesday to goto the Freedom Conference! I'm excited, nervous, and hopeful. It's really crazy how this process works, the times when it seems the least is happening or I feel less engaged...God is setting the stage for something to happen or be shown to me.

Thru various means God has been showing me how my view of "recovery" and of "healing" is skewed. Deep inside I want a recovery and healing that 'fixes' it completely. No residue, no regrets from the past, no more mess...but that essentially means I want God to erase the memory of what has happened. And that erases the record of His mercy, grace, love, forgiveness, strength, patience, and ability to take what man intends for evil and use it to His glory.

Mankin the Sponkey

I think one of the bigger issues for me with lust is that I am still more than willing to "go there" in my head. 'mankin the sponkey' isn't the issue...its a symptom of the issue. And the problem is I am willing to go there, hang out, come back, chill....but its only when I do something physical that I feel bad and have to admit I've lost my sobriety. It's like losing control of my car 10 miles back, but I didn't officially have an "accident" until I hit a tree. I have had some painful (emotional) experiences lately that have brought some more of the issue to the forefront, as a result I've started seeing my counselor more often and we have begun to dig back into the manure pile of stuff that has assisted me on my journey here.

One of the other issues that really contributes to this is unforgiveness...namely by me - for me. I feel (incorrectly) like I have failed in ways that it is impossible to really forget. Which while contrary to the Gospel and Christs message of grace...is a point I still struggle with - I know it in my head, but the operational belief is still that I have err'd in ways that disqualify me from holding my head up and living life without always attempting to "make up for" the past.

Wordle?

So here is a copy of my Wordle...What is a Wordle? I'm not sure, but near as I can tell its a graphical representation of emphasis. It takes the text you enter and based on repeats and such displays it. This wordle below is based on my blog. I need to look more at it, but it seems pretty accurate to what I tend to write about.