Happy 2009

Not sure how I expected 2009 to start. Two weeks ago, I would have told you how great it was going to be starting off the New Year with more than 60 days of sobriety. (pride goes before the fall...) But even tho I do not have 60+ days of sobriety, I do have the lessons and skills I have learned over this year. I can see a thread of grace running all the way back thru the different ups and downs I have experienced.

I've met new people, I've re-connected with old friends, and I've shared more openly in the relationships that I have. I have much to be grateful for. I start 2009 with a caring, supportive community of friends (and family). I have a great place to live.

Yes, I want 2009 to be different than 2008, but I need not write 2008 off as a wash. The year, and it's choices, existed. I cannot undo that, but I can pray that thru Christ I do not have to redo the same mistakes I made in '08 and I have much to look forward to in '09

# days sober = 1

Zero

I regretfully write that I gave up 61 days of sobriety last night. A blog entry certainly does not take the place of actually having to admit that in person, but in the interest of timely disclosure I did not want to allow myself to keep it a secret, possibly prolonging the duration of the "slip".

As direct result of my poor choices last night I only got 4 hours of sleep, I have a previously scheduled appointment with my counselor at 11am and I am also feeling very much like I need to be at a meeting, but the only one today is at noon. I'm going to ask my counselor if he wants to do a half session and have me attend the meeting also. But I'd be gone from work like 2.5 hours and that is really hard to sell to my boss, given my other, less than stellar, work habits.

Yes, it sucks. Yes, I feel like crap today, but I know that I had 60 days and that thru Gods' grace I can have another 60. But right now, I have to focus on today and not belittle and shame myself for failure.

# days sober = 0

Is it over yet?

Today is 60 days of sobriety.

I am thankful, and even a bit surprised that I have made it this far. But I keep waiting for it to get easier. I keep hoping one day I will wake up and find it gone.
But that is not true of today, so on my 60th day of sobriety - I still struggle. Struggle as in, "I think I might like to see some porn" struggle. Struggle as in "If had the chance, I'd make a break for it" kind of struggle.

But I guess the struggle lets me know that I'm still alive.

# days sober = 60

Un-answered prayer

A friend wrote to me, "But if when you ask to be healed and nothing happens, it makes sense that nothing would happen if it's really important to some big plan." And it caused me to think some on this topic, I am sure that I don't have a lock on the truth of this - but this is what falls out when I tilt my head.

We know that nothing happens except that God allows it to happen, and my understanding of my own SSA struggle it that my desires for masculine affection (eros) are a sinful expression of God given desires for real fellowship and godly intimacy with other men. So I don't know if this a chicken before the egg argument or not - but I hesitate to think of my struggle as some intentional design element in God's greater Plan. More like this is something that, thru early circumstances and my own (sinful) choices, I now struggle with...that even in this struggle (a struggle born out of human causes) - even thru this God has said "All things work together for good to them that love the Lord" Rom 8:28. So that even this, what man intends for evil, God will use to his glory. I'm not sure of the theology, but I struggle with the idea that God would break someones leg in order to further His plans on the earth...moreso that He appears to be willing to use broken things, dirty vessels to carry His water to a dry and thirsty land.

grinding it out...

This is a phrase I hear a fellow in recovery say pretty often. Now I think I know why he says it. I've been in a funk these past few days, and have been toying with the ideas of lust too much, getting way too close to the edge of sobriety. And why I am toying with lust, people all around me are suffering.

• A friend is going thru some very tough times in close relationship.
• Another friend is struggling with un-answered prayer.
• One is shipping out to Iraq in April.
• There are "family issues" across the board. (fighting, yelling, threats of being kicked out)
• One is drinking himself silly, for another it's drugs.
• A family's son is faced with a surgery (in Jan) to remove a portion of his brain to control his seizures.

And I wonder if today is a good day to lose myself in some good old fashioned lust and pornography....of course the answer is no. I should not beat myself up because of the temptations that roll thru my head, but I can remind myself that God is calling on me, on us, to "watch and pray". The pain is real, the hurts are there, God we need You. We need You to do what only You can do! We need your Grace, we need your Mercy, we need Your Forgiveness.

O God, give me a heart that would be broken by the hurts I see around me, a heart that would bring these things to you as any child would bring a broken item to his earthy father and say, "Papa, it's broken...will you fix it?" In a child's mind there is no question if Papa can fix it, only will he.

In my brokenness I want God to fix things when I pray. Isn't that what prayer is for, " God, fix this."? There might be a different angle, God may have a different idea. In the garden Jesus prayed for the Father to take this cup from him, but "not my will, by Thy will be done". My will is that everything be peachy and rosey, His will is that we may know Him more deeply and draw the world around us into relationship with the Father so that they may, in turn, know the Father more deeply.

Maybe tonight I need to utter a different prayer;

Papa, you see these things that are broken, lives that are hurting, painful struggles that don't go away, rejection, illness, grave circumstances...I know you can fix it, but will You? And when? But until the when becomes now, would You grant us the strength to deal with life as it is? Upholding your promise never to leave or forsake us, but walking with us thru the very things we are sure will be the death of us. Make Yourself known, be in our midst, be our covering - hide our shame, heal our hearts, strengthen that which has been weak. And the hope we have, we have in You, hope in anything else is fanciful wishing at best.

Not my will, but Thy will be done.....

# days sober = 53

45 days

So I have been sober 45 days now. It's certainly more of a credit to God's grace in my life than any real show of strength or obedience on my part. But I am thankful for it nonetheless.

The things I need to work on are:

1. Staying away from lustful things (i.e. lusty talk, lusty thoughts, fond remembrances of "old times")
2. Be at peace with others. I have been so boorish lately, I just seem to get riled up at the littlest of perceived injustices or slights (affects my pride and ego)
3. Live honestly within my means and resources. This applies to my finances, my time, and the amount of emotional resource I have to commit to any and all areas. Make good decisions about where I really need to be versus where I think I should be.

Bi-polar?

No, I dont' think I'm actually bi-polar. But I was confronted yet again with how I have two faces, two loves, two trains of thought.

One loves God, one loves Lust. Ugh.

And it's so obvious after it comes out in some phrase, some direction of conversation, some way in which it's totally obvious which side I'm coming from.

10 And so blessing and cursing come pouring out of the same mouth. Surely, my brothers and sisters, this is not right! 11 Does a spring of water bubble out with both fresh water and bitter water?
James 3:10-11 NLT

17 But the wisdom from above is first of all pure. It is also peace loving, gentle at all times, and willing to yield to others. It is full of mercy and good deeds. It shows no favoritism and is always sincere. 18 And those who are peacemakers will plant seeds of peace and reap a harvest of righteousness.
James 3:17-18 NLT

These are definitely some verses I need to apply more directly to how I speak and relate to others.