Whats wrong with the World...

Right now I'm feeling pretty frustrated at work. Just regular situations that get me riled up, things that aren't handled the way that I think they should be. And I was thinking in my head, the program tells me "that whenever there is resentment or anger; it means that there is something wrong in me." Huh???? You mean when everyone around me is a bloomin' idiot...there is something wrong in me? When other peoples lack of planning constitutes an emergency on my part....there is something wrong with me?? When I get cut-off, crapped on, and jacked up....there is something wrong with me?????

That is a big pill to swallow. But they are right.

There have been stupid people for as long the caribou have roamed the tundra. And bad things will continue to happen, to good people...and me. The situations I will never have control over, but the one thing I am asked, by God, to do is "be self-controlled and alert". This is so hard, I don't want to believe that I am fundamentally (tho not permanently) flawed in the way that I respond to the world.

But I am. There is something wrong with me.

God, grant me the willingness to submit to Your care and healing in this and all areas of my life. Help me to act of love instead of react defensively. Show me how to give the same kind of grace to those around me that I expect to receive for myself. Help me to be humble in my failings, but not beaten down. Teach me to run to You when it hurts, instead of run away.

# days sober = 10

Desperately waiting for Connection

So here I am trying to connect and feeling like I am missing it entirely. I make phone calls, go to peoples house to have dinners, have lunch meetings with people, and today I had lunch with a friend; even during that I wasn't sure that I was connecting.

I don't know how....but I feel like I am entirely missing the boat here. What am I missing? What am I doing wrong?

# of days sober = 8

Pop Quiz

I found this "pop quiz" in an article on Crosswalk. I haven't even really had the chance to process how many of these I don't do...but given the last question...does my score really matter? It matters in the sense that I want to strive for a deeper, more abiding relationship with Christ that impacts my life and the lives around me in a positive way. But it can be a helpful benchmark to check myself against on a regular basis and ask, "Am I making progress towards these goals? If not, what can I do differently now that will make a difference?"

It's a tough quiz to pass, but I guess it's better to compare myself against reality than live a meager life clouded in fantasy.

1. Do I live like Christ is all that matters?
2. Do I put on mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience each day?
3. Do I make allowance for other’s faults?
4. Do I forgive those who offend me?
5. Do I understand how much I have been forgiven?
6. Do I let the peace of Christ rule my heart?
7. Am I always thankful?
8. Do I let the message of Christ fill my life?
9. Do I teach and counsel His wisdom to others consistently?
10. Do I sing to God with a thankful heart?
11. Is everything I do or say predicated on being a representative of the Lord Jesus?
12. Does Jesus still love me?

PS. The answer to #12 is definitive, absolute YES! (see here)

# days sober = 5

Job

No sooner had I decided I really need to stay at my current job....then more stuff comes down about the limited space we are being allocated. Ugh.

But even if they give us too little space, I guess I need to stay long enough to get my temper under control and my program moved forward.

I have a meeting tomorrow where I really need to keep my emotions and my tongue in check. I need to pray about that.

# days sober = 3

S.A.D.

SAD stands for Seasonal Affective Disorder, it is a seasonally induced depression related to lower levels of sunlight. If yesterday was any indication....this winter is gonna be rough! I have no idea why I was so bummed yesterday (versus any other day) but it wasn't good.

It was a long weekend, worked outside all day both days. That was enjoyable, but it really wore me out. I have yet to really move forward on my personal stuff since the big revelations of last week. I have a phone interview for a job this afternoon, not sure that I'm leaving my current job, but it's always nice to keep your options open.

I'm struggling with loneliness, but I can't be around people 24/7 because that is just a cover to not deal with my issues. At some point I am going to have to learn how to be "ok" with myself.

# of days sober = 2

Don't get me started

Things at work are crazy, my apartment is still a mess, and I'm behind on more things than I am ahead....including sleep.

This really is not a fun spot to be in, but it is what it is. I can be thankful that I have a place to live, a job to work, and friends who care...the rest is outside of my control. And I'm still sober, I don't feel great, but that is to be expected at this stage.

I need to keep it simple and focus on the things I have some control over, the rest...meh.

I need to be thankful for today.

# days sober = 4

Music

I had a very strange experience this morning, I was driving back from Madison and listening to music (no surprise there), but I have needed 3 songs to go with 3 DVD photo presentation I haev been commissioned to make of photos I took this summer.

I had been drawing a total blank for what songs to use....this morning all three played out in the space of 15 minutes. These are songs I know and have listened to (even recently), but somethign about today....I literally saw the pictures scrolling thru my head as the music played.

Free - Shawn McDonald
Into the Day - Bebo Norman
Peace be Still - Rush of Fools

I just need to see if I can get them to work in the DVD.....I got them all from I-Tunes, so I may need to find a DRM-free version...but that it the least of my worries. I am amazed at how the songs seemed to be 'given' to me at that moment.

Strange days....

# days sober = 3

Good Grief

I didn't know there even was such a thing as good grief. But I think I'm experiencing it.

I had been holding some really painful stuff inside for a long time, and I finally let it out. That, unfortunately, is not the end of the situtation...it's really just the beginning. But one of the emotions I have started to experience is grief. Once the major fear and anxiety started to abate, the grief seems to be the primary emotion that I'm feeling. It really feels pretty similar to the feelings I had when I learned that my grandma had died.

In that moment, everything changes. What was, no longer is, and now a whole new reality is laid out before you. I can wish that it would go back to being like it was, but that won't happen. So now I need to operate under the new reality. I can't go back and change the past, I could hope that it is different...but it isn't, this is my reality. I've used lust and my addictive behaviours to run from reality for a long time.

So here I am, experienceing the raw emotions of life. It sometimes feels like a 600 pound gorilla is sitting on my chest, but that feeling will pass.

# days sober = 2

Flight 410 to Nineveh....boarding @ Gate 15

Remember the ancient city of Nineveh? Crazy thing is...Nineveh still exists (this is a satellite image of it). God has asked a few people in the past to go to Nineveh, one notable fellow was named Jonah. God asked Jonah to go to Nineveh for Him. Jonah told God that he would go lots of places....just not Nineveh.

"No way! I am not going there! I will do lots of things, I've already plans to go to some other countries for You, I've given up stuff (sorta). I don't think I need to go to Nineveh. I'm sure we can work around this." Sure we can.....but it's gonna get mighty dark and fishy before it's all over.

I have spent countless hours in the past year trying to figure a road to Recovery that doesn't go thru Nineveh. I have looked at the guidebooks, I have consulted guidebooks, satellite photos, topographic maps, even Google Earth!!!! Apparently (for me) the only road from Here to There - goes straight thru Nineveh.

I know this sounds glib and even a bit tongue in cheek...but its not. Nineveh is dangerous, over the years I have gone to great lengths to avoid Nineveh. But now I have come to see there is no other way, the cost to avoid Nineveh is too great...I would have to abandon Recovery as a destination.

So I have booked a ticket, I'm just waiting on a final departure time. Nineveh is not the final destination, but it is definitely a necessary stop along the way.

And like Jonah, my fate is entirely in God's hand. It always was...I'm just getting around to agreeing with Him. I can't keep running. I have to face my fears in Nineveh, then we can move on. God, please keep me safe on the way thru Nineveh.